Ugh, that post sounds like a whiny, sniffeling spoiled little girl and that is not who I am . I am a strong woman who has endured a lot and is fighting to gain strength.
I need to remember that.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Quote: Ugh, that post sounds like a whiny, sniffeling spoiled little girl and that is not who I am . I am a strong woman who has endured a lot and is fighting to gain strength.
I need to remember that.
YES!!! But it is certainly ok to be whiny here!
Your mention of movies struck a chord with me. It's amazing how many things on tv relate to affairs. Often H and I are watching something and I'll look over to see how he reacts.....usually no response....or just a certain look like "you're not going to bring that up, are you?" Of course one of my favorite shows is Grey's Anatomy......crazy!
Anyway, sounds like the counseling is helping. Keep in touch and be happy with yourself. I'm still working on that part! Matilda
I'm so glad counseling is working out! I have tried counseling a number of times and have always come away disappointed. I came to the conclusion that I just wanted them to tell me what to do to fix my life. And they, of course, couldn't do that. They just kept telling me how well adjusted I was-and I felt like there was no where to go from there. "This is as good as it gets," to quote a Jack Nicholas.
I get the urge to go back now and then, but the other problem is that there is no one in this town covered under my insurance and it is stressful in itself just to get to the nearest city to see someone.
I hope things continue to go well for you and your own growth!
The last few days have been very difficult and I have been questioning my ability to continue to charade. H is very unhappy in his work and has been very short tempered with the kids and myself.
Last night I went up to bed first and he said he was right behind, well I dozed off and awoke to the news saying that it was going to frost and H was not in bed...
I ran downstairs to bring my plants in off the screen porch and H was on the computer. I guess I came down so fast he did not have time to close the screen and I saw that he was in the game site that he used to LIVE in. He had not been going there at all for quite a while. Now I feel like he is slipping back in to that place.
I was so shocked to see him in there I did not say a word, just turned around and went to get my plants. He immediately got off the computer and went upstairs to bed. I followed and was shaking not sure whether to say anything or not. I did not and he was asleep in a few minutes.
It took me quite a while to fall asleep but after I did at some point he reached for me and in my groggy state I said "I love you" and without missing a beat he said "I love you too". Of course he was not awake... but I have to say it was soooooo good to hear those words, even if he did not know he was saying them.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I'm sorry that things are not going better. It is VERY, VERY painful to be in love with someone who is so self-destructive.
Some of you stuff sounds familiar. My H would routinely not come to bed with me. In fairness, he was a night owl. But still, he was unwilling to bend his habits even slightly to be around me when I was awake. I often found H on the coach when I got up in the morning, especially when he was really unhappy with work.
But didn't you say your H reached for you in bed later? That means a lot. Especially if he WAS asleep. And I can imagine that "I love you too" is very good to hear right now, even if the actions aren't there to follow it.
I hope counseling is still going well for you. I know you're in a rough place. Just keep doing what's right for you, now and in the long run.
Thanks Opti councelling is going really well for the most part. She asked me a question today that makes me want to vomit when I think about trying to answer it.
Quote: Do I want to stay married and be in a fake empty relationship more than I am willing to risk losing it all to possibly make it better?
Those were not her exact words, but that is what I got from it. It is certainly something to think about, huh?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Wow, NNP. That is a great question. Because your courage and purpose in life, all the goodies will come once you stake out what matters to you most.
I am a true believer that you can have it all, though. And sometimes in the midst of that journey, it looks like you could lose it all to have it all. But if you have your values straight - the things that are the baseline core of your being - then everything turns out all right because you never lose that if you are true to yourself. For me it is honesty, integrity, unconditional love, profound relatedness, full self-expression (for all), authenticity. A few more things, probably, are core. These are things I will not live without. If you commit to your values, and step firmly into that, all else will be revealed and what doesn't fit will fall away. Fortunately my H is committed to these things too, and has said so, so it is a way that I can relate to him, by reminding him of who he is, what he is committed to also, when he has temporarily forgotten (such as now, in his MLC behaviors). If you can identify what those things are that matter to you most, then as you step closer to that each day, your life will become clearer and the steps you take will be easier. For me the love part helps most. Can I love H no matter what we do? And even more important, can I love myself, no matter what?
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
