Is your S's OM a W? Let's talk

[whatisis]

Rockinnm and myself thought it might be helpful to have a thread for guys whose W's are in A's with OW. Are there differences in dealing with such sitch's? Is there anything that can be done by us guys who are victims of our W's lesbofest celebrations? Got a story, a thought/idea or anything else? Share it with us.
Lets help each other out here. My W refuses to peg herself as "gay" saying she hates those terms. She has never said she loves the OW just that she is "committed to that R", in fact, she never calls the OW by name although I know her name. Does the "gay" stigma keep them wanting to stay with us horrible guys? My W never says the reason she cheated was because of her sexual orientation, its always because of my perceived defecits as a husband, "You couldn't be meet my emotional needs". Confusing? Sure is. So lets hear your story and maybe we can all help each other out of this black hole we're living in. I know you guys are out there!!!

[Rockinnm]

Glad to find I am not alone... Whatsis thanks for you help so far,,,keeps my sanity.

With F/F affairs, the emotional affair becomes so damn strong so fast. Some of the lesbians even thrill at the power of converting unhappy, doubting pre-MLC into psuedo-lesbians... What gives?? I have read so many posts on m/w affairs, but it seems the W/W have so many more twists and turns, how do you deal???

~m

[whatisis]

I agree. My W's EA with the OW was very intense right from the beginning, and I mean before it was an A. She would ask me whether I thought it was weird that they seemed to have such a close bond, you know, could "read each others minds". I replied that I thought it must be a very special friendship to have those qualities. What a big jerk! Somehow, these two just plugged into each others vulnerable spots and it went from there. When the A actually started I have no idea but I believe it is less than a year. Six months ago when I told my W some things I had always wanted her to know she replied "this might have made a difference two months ago". Once that intense EA starts it seems all my W could see was my defecits (real and imagined) and she emotionally detached from me. All her emotional energy went into this new R, which was largely based on her needs, not the OW's.
A difference I see (and maybe this is just my trip) is that I feel at a disadvantage in dislodging the OW. Women relate to each other in a different way then men relate to women. If what she wants in a R is the type of emotional closeness that another woman can provide than I really can't win! If she's willing to work on another way of connecting together then I can do that, but she's not there right now. Maybe its just my headspace that says I'm at a disadvantage, who knows. My W has always said she believes the m/f difference in communication is a load of crap meant to get us males off the hook. I disagree but whatisis!
I also wonder, at least in my sitch, if I would be handling this far differently if this was another guy playing hide the sausage with my W? I can't help but think I'd be fighting the urge to hunt him down and kick his head in and not giving a f*** what that would do to my dbing situation. When it is another woman am I less threatened? Is that lack of a dick somehow significant? Am I able to think clearer somehow? Some guys say they are relieved when they find out it's another woman because they feel their masculinity is not as threatened. Anybody else with some input here?
And Rockinnm, thanks for the acknowledgement. I'm glad my thoughts are help keeping you on the straight and narrow here! Sanity is a valuable commodity when you are dealing with a WAW cuz you'll be the only one that has any! Who knows what happened to hers, oh ya, the lesbians sucked it out of her skull,I forgot !

[seporateddadof2]

This twist to the sitch is being way over thought. Back to basics. any focus on OM or OW is BAD. It will only push the WAS away and into the arms of OP. 2nd OP is not to blame for your sitch and you cant do anything about OP or your WAS actions. Put time and energy where it belongs, on your self. Focus on the things you can do something about. Like how you react to stimuli, 180s GAL. Talking to WAS about same sex A or interests isnt helping your sitch at all. If your WAS is completely infatuated or just curious it doesnt matter. It is still the same grass is greener saga.

Try to think about why your WAS is attracted to the OP as a Person. It has nothing to do with plumbing I promise.
Is it because the OP listens and validates?
Is it because the OP complements and gives lots of pos attention? What needs are OP meeting for your WAS that you wernt meeting? Those are the Q to be asking.

[whatisis]

Your point is well taken. I have approached my sitch in the manner you have advised. Really, there was no other choice! GAL is so important whether the W responds to it or not. But I still believe there is a manner of communication between women that men just don't get. Women tend to like to stroke all the nuances of a problem situation and tease them out. Guys just want to get to a solution. My W wants a mindreader, someone who knows what she needs without her having to tell me (funny, she told me this). The OW is very good at picking up cues etc. and knowing just the right thing to do or say. I will never be as good as that. When I try to improve I'm told "That's not really you, you're just doing that because you think I'll like it" e.g. romantic gestures.
Anybody else have any thoughts on whether woman/woman A's are different than male/female. Do we need to approach them differently or just in the same manner? It would be interesting to hear Michelle's thoughts on the subject because the topic is nowhere to be found in her books.

[Rockinnm]

I talked to another friend at work whom I have been avoiding I guess. She too is a lesbian, and someone my wife and I have known for over 12 years...used to go places with her and her ex-GF when kids were younger. She began dating a manager at work (female of course) and because of my union position I am at odds with this manager quite often (business is business)

She approached me of all things and asked how I was doing. Gave her my standard "i am hanging in there all things considered." She then went into a her opinions and views on the OW and my W and how she did NOT approve of them and has told the OW it as well.

This friend let me know that it will not last... OW only likes the chase, not the drama. Friend knows my views and how open minded I have always been (non-gay hating). Told me to hang in there and yell if I needed anything. Her current GF, the manager, does not like OW and has placed limits on her involvement with her and even involvement in my situation. It seems this Friend wanted to intervene with the OW and get her to wake up and get out the A with my W before it got too messed up. OW assured them "we are only friends..." I let this friend know that W and OW have been lying about that for sometime now... She said she knew and could tell.

See not all women like this prey on married women. In fact a good bit of them are like us... believe in commitment. Friend told OW "you do NOT play with married people... EVER"

OW asked if W and her could join them for the concert last night, to which I guess Friends partner said "no way, No HOW."

Glad to know I have friends on both sides of the rainbow!

~m

[Wonka]

Hi Rock & What,

Do you want to know the actual truth? None of this really matters!! I am a lesbian who was in a 10-year marriage and my DXW got involved with an OW who was a former college flame. The dynamics of OM/OW are precisely the same: a continuous supply of dopamine. There is absolutely nothing you can do about the A until it wears off. In my view, the WASes here behave far worse than a crack addict. At least the crack addict knows that there is a major problem; whereas, the WASes do not see the OM/OW as an affair because they are already "emotionally" divorced from you.

Breaking up a family? Doesn't matter. Losing their homes? Doesn't matter. Hurting their kids? Doesn't matter. Inflicting financial damage? Doesn't matter.
They MUST have their OW/OM dopamine supply. Don't worry...they will eventually see the reality of the situation once the rose-colored glasses fall off. If you would look at the savemymarriage central site, stats are not in favor of A's. Only about 3% of all affairs turn into lifelong marriages/commitments.

Hang in there! Just continue focusing on YOU and GALing. What worked for me a few times was buying new clothes, shoes, and making changes outwardly. I know that my DXW did notice these changes---did not comment on them directly--by looking at me twice! I have not initated any contact with my DXW since around January 2006 and am now very focused on my life by GALing.

[whatisis]

Wonka,
Thanks so much for checking in with us. I'm hearing this frquently, the high of infatuation is like a bad drug. The good thing is it apparently wears off, but WHEN! My W has known OP for about 4 years and right from the beginning it was an intense friendship. I actually confronted her at one point about the frequency and intensity of the contact with this person. It was obsessive. I told her to think about her family. She decided to break off contact with this person. At this point it was not an A. After months of depression (and medication) she told me she needed her friend back, I couldn't be her only friend. I agreed and set conditions. It all seemed to be working out OK. I believe this person was playing on her emotional neediness for a long time, she would push her to take on more stressful situations by telling her how smart and talented she was. It was but another way to keep my W dependent on her "support". It actually got to the point where my W pushed for the A, not the OP. This woman coddles my W and makes her every need priority #1. She has told my W that this R is all about her (my W's) needs. It's sick. So this infatuation has been ongoing for a long time (the A is less than a year old, I found out about it 7 mths ago)but my W is actually very responsible, if you want to call it that, when I look at the antics of others in her situation. She puts her children and family time before OP and told OP that was the way it was going to be. In a R "talk" ( a loud one!) I told W that she was just keeping the OP tucked away with limited contact just to keep the infatuation going. If they spent time together as a real couple (like us!) she would be in the same boat she is in now. I hope as you say the real world is creeping in and W is beginning to look at what she is doing to her world and her family. Less stress at work, less outside pressures and a loyal BDing husband I hope will make a dif. She refuses to say she is gay and has never said "I love X", only "I am committed to that R". The bright side is in the past two months she has set up an all day outing for us, we have ML twice (been at least 1 yr since we ML), and she's agreed to take dancing lessons with me once per week. Pretty good stuff, if I may say so! But who knows in the wacky world of infidelity!
I hope we hear from you again Wonka and that your sitch works out too.

[Rockinnm]

Thanks Wonka for the insight. I am NOT anti-lesbian,,, but I AM anti-affair, anti-divorce and anti- this particular - OW.

I had to laugh about the dopamine and the crack, but I think METH is more appropriate. My W lost so much weight and had such mood swings I even asked her if she was doing drugs. You know how that went over.

I know there is nothing I can do about the A. My MIL believes different, but I have attempted to detach.

I appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.

~m

[MTHeart]

you are SOOOOOOO right about the "spending time together like a real couple" thing. That's part of the alure. It's fantasy. No bills, kids, dogs, things, to get in the way. Just fantasy! "OOOOOOhhhhhhhh we're so in LOVE. OOOOOOOOhhhhhhh we understand each other soooooooo wellllllll. oooooohhhhhh I never felt this way before...." Except when you fell in love ith your spouse but your memory doesn't reach that far back.

The Meth analogy is totally right. Plumbing doesn't have anything to do with it. But I feel for you guys. It makes me want to apologize for "my" people. But how did I get here? The same way you guys did:

Spouse (yes, lesbos, can you take it?) of 9 years started affair with "friend" and is INSANE. Although, as you described, somewhat responsible. But overall insane. We have a 7yr old daughter and spouse cannot bear to leave her. OW has TWO small children. Now, let's think this through (since our SOs are not able to) Does someone who has children of her own know how badly she could want stability and family for them? And should she be able to see that cheating and disrupting SOMEONE ELSES family is NOT the way to get that stability? SHOULD, a beautiful word, but of course it don't mean $h#^* here does it?

I think perhaps your pride as men gets hurt in this F/F situation. Not to be rude but you do get a social message that if you were "man" enough your spouse wouldn't cheat. I'm so sorry. I don't even seem to be "woman" enough. And I'm trying to retain my sanity and have been in this for 6 months. Feels like 6 years sometimes. But regardless of Male or Female or Canine, whatever. It's all the same. They are insane and until they come down off their dopamine high and see it's the same story just a different book nothing can change. GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YOU!!! The truth is a real man works at his relationship as you guys are doing!