Quote: and well, we have all at times buried our own heads in the sand and hidden from our issues. ]THAT, I believe is what some of us on here were trying to guide Chrome back to...that's not something to set people in front of a firing squad for.
And so when someone clearly states they are not ready to discuss a topic in a public forum, that they are working with professionals, why is it up to US to yank someone's head out of the sand, and heap upon them our own personal opinions to qualify WHY we are done with a thread?
He didn't bring it up... he didn't even ask you to clarify WHY you were done. He said he was sorry for any pain his actions may have caused you.
YOU were the one who decided to come back and clarify your statement... one that was never questioned.
Yes, I did clarify without being asked...no crime in that when someone is assuming I am angry with them and I'm not Corri. My clarification was also not intended to beat him over the head, you may perceive it that way...but that wasn't the intention behind it.
Chrome also could have chosen not responded to the questions I asked at anytime...he also chose to clarify. So with that said, whether it makes a whit of difference or not...I'm now going to bed.
Your caring comments brought a tear to my eye, several actually ... literally.
My head has been hung low for awhile, but I always just remind myself that even with my head hung low, I can still see the tops of most people's heads.
Talking about the EA or about details of OW is just too painful for me. I know that sometimes you have to endure pain to get better, but I am enduring that pain every day anyway. I thought maybe here I could have a sanctuary of sort, where I could discuss other issues and get help with things that I DO need help with, despite the fact that there is an additional giant pile of elephant poo. But I wonder ... the silence from Lou and Lil on my thread is deafening (note: that is not a guilt trip or anything) and I can feel tension from certain people who have been betrayed by SO's in the past. Maybe I ought to move over to Infidelity forum and try to clean up the pile of poo with others involved in the same task and come back here when I can be a more of an appropriate contributor to this forum. I just hate the thought of starting all over, plus it still doesn't change the fact that talking about the EA is still painful for me. Perhaps to clarify just a little, my EA was not the Harley "two people with low love bank accounts spending time together and falling into the A" or the "two hedonists out to satisfy their own desires and to hell with anyone else." The more I look at it, the more one-sided I realize it was, how I was making much more of it than was actually being returned. And in desperation not to acknowledge the rejection that was always hovering there, I really made myself out to be a utter fool. So you can imagine how I must feel now realizing that I hurt my W, the person that has stood with me even if it wasn't exactly the way I wanted her too, for crumbs from a woman that in all likelihood was just playing a game with me. And then what I did next ...
OK, I really don't want to talk about it anymore. I only say these things because I do feel bad that I mislead you all. But I have to decide what course of action is best for me, and that course is to handle this professionally. Good night all. Thanks again for rooting for me, all of you who do. It means a lot to me.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Quote: I have to decide what course of action is best for me, and that course is to handle this professionally. Good night all.
How did you feel when you were writing that? Did you feel empowered? Congruent in your words and feelings? It seems to me like this is the assertiveness you are seeking. This is what it feels like. You do know, don't you, that YOU get to decide what to talk about here? No need for apologies or explanations.
Bear
The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
--Marcel Proust
Corri, if you think for a moment that anyone in this thread was pulling down Chromo's shorts to laugh at him - that's quite a misreading and if not a misreading, an insult.
It's clear that he is in a lot of pain and hauling around a load of guilt. One emotional discretion can be an oopsie. Two can be a pattern. Whether something was a one-of or was a pattern will make a difference in how it is dealt with in counselling. For his own sake, he needs someone he's talking with to know the whole truth.
And while he may have been asking about a trip to NY, this whole thread has been about what can Chrome do to connect to his wife in a deeper, more fulfilling way.
The avenues to connect to your spouse are going to be *different* under different circumstances. It has nothing to do with whether or not any of the forum members "trust". If she is still unware and in a trusting mode then the method of connection is totally different.
If she knows or suspects, the tactics are going to be totally different than if she's unware. If she suspects or knows, then acting macho is going to be a slap in her face - not a beacon of attraction.
We aren't professionals, no one on here has claimed to be acting in that capacity. What we are is a group of people who take the time, uncompensated, to try to figure out what is going on in our relationships and to get a variety of input on what might help things improve.
If a woman came on the forum discussing their unhappiness over their spouses' stinginess with money, some details are more important than others. If she's gambling the money away, quitting her job, or spending thousands of dollars at the mall - then our advice is going to be very different and totally UNhelpful if that type of information is not divulged and we're left with the idea that he's just a stingybutt.
the silence from Lou and Lil on my thread is deafening
Chrome, along with the positives of the board you also have to take the negatives. Don't sweat it man. My sense is that Lou considered you more than an anonymous BB figure and perhaps is feeling betrayed by your deceit. Friends come around though, so give it some time.
I can understand Corri's response, although I didn't particlarly feel it here...some people do tend to act like judge and jury, they need to be agreed with or they get nasty. One person actually left my thread and has not acknowledged my presence since, even on other threads. Whatever. If you can look at all the differing opinons and the emotional reactions of the people who post here in a detached way, the words will be much more helpful. Ya know everywhere you go in life, there will be holier than thou attitudes and you just gotta roll with it. You're paying for what you've done and the rest is nobody's business unless you choose to make it so.
That being said, if you're still here seeking advice and guidance, I agree with GEL and MrsNops....I feel that the connection you've stated all along that you are missing with your W cannot be rebuilt until the whole truth has been revealed to HER. So, I personally feel that giving you my .02 cents on intimancy and/or re-connecting is putting the cart before the horse.
Take of yourself buddy.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
This is what it feels like. You do know, don't you, that YOU get to decide what to talk about here? No need for apologies or explanations. 