Thanks for your thoughts. I do really appreciate the "counterpoint" you offer as far as "alpha male" behavior is concerned. It really helps me see this from different angles.
I have instituted the small things already. Whereas before I thought my W would be mad at me if I asked her to make popcorn for me while I watched a movie, I don't hesitate now. Of course, she is free to say no, and I don't take it personally (as much as I used to anyway, I'll probably still be working on that character flaw till I'm dead). As you say, its a small thing, but an important step in being more assertive. I shouldn't assume that she doesn't want to do things for me, and thus never ask.
The trip to NYC was something I did REALLY want to do, and not just because I thought it would help our R and help my W start breaking out of "mommy mode." I love the city, and I would love to experience being in the city and doing fun and interesting things with my W, instead of just with my research buddies. My W is a fun person to be around, when she wants to be.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
The problem that I see is that if you are doing things focused on the atraction that your actions will cause, you will be suplicating. Reacting to her level of interest and making changes in your behavior to gain her aproval is placing her sexual atraction up on a pedastal very un "aplha".
Martelo you said this so well. Trying to make her happy and worrying about every step you take is not decisive. It comes down to approval seeking, instead of approving of yourself, by using self discipline and being true to your integrity. Chromo has a long way to go with this, and his wife is quite intelligent. Any fake attempts will be rebuffed.
So what does this mean? (As far as the EA is concerned, I have made a decision in my life to move forward. I am focusing on what IS and what CAN BE, rather than what WAS. Therefore I am choosing not to give any thought to OW or the EA. WITH the exception of my C, MC, and my W as needed in our healing process.)
I interperet that to mean that no, you haven't told your W yet. Is that correct?
A big part of our reality is in how we percieve it, in what we choose to focus on.
A movie was recommended to me quite some time ago called "What the Bleep do We Know!?".....with your knowledge on physics, I was wondering if you'd seen it and if so what you thought about it? I saw it mentioned again on the boards yesterday and I thought it must be something I'm supposed to see if it's come across my path twice, so I ordered it from Amazon. If you haven't seen it or heard of it, you're probably wondering how it ties into the quote above, but from what I've heard about it, the movie talks specifically to the idea of creating our own futures based on what we think....and supposedly backed up with science. Really interesting.
When I talk about OW, invarialby the feelings and memories resurface. So I choose not to think about her anymore (again with the above caveat). Maybe this is not the right way to do it, but it is how I am choosing to do it now
This is sort of the approach I've taken with my M altogther, lol. It's working really well for me, seriously.
I still feel that slight pull when, as MrsNOPs describes with NOPkins, I see the obvious responses by females around me.
I feel this too Chrome. Although I respect your decision not to discuss this on the boards right now, after some healing occurs, I hope that you will post more about it and how you are progressing with it. With such serious doubts that my M will ever be fulfilling for me again (because of the repercussions of the A), I find myself thinking quite a bit about Rs with other people....which is what got me into this mess to begin with. I think that faith is ultimately the only thing that can carry me through.....not faith in the religious sense of the word, but maybe you know what I mean.
So this is not a question of picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together, it is a question of building something new. Maybe that is good thing.
I'm finding so many similarities today Chrome. In my situation, I think we could build something new....it's getting H to realize he wants something new that seems to be causing me distress. Is that the case for you as well?
I figure that being there every step of the way for our home, the home we intend to live in for the rest of our lives, is an important statement about my intention to stay with her and be a partner with her.
Same here. We are looking at building a house and it seems to reassure H a great deal to know that I plan to be with him long enough to build a house
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
From the perspective of you giving me informed advice ... she knows enough about it at this point that it is a factor in our M. I am following the advice of the professionals as it deals with details and such and how to proceed. Can we leave it at that? I really do not want to discuss it anymore here. The fact of the matter is ... I DON'T TRUST MYSELF WHEN IT COMES TO THIS ISSUE. So I am placing my trust in others. Maybe at some point in the future I will be able to feel secure enough in myself to chart my own course completely. But not right now.
Thank you very much GEL for your concern and willingness to help me. I hope my decision will not make you feel hindered in your ability.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I've watched part of it, but not straight through, so I probably didn't get the gist of it.
I do feel that maybe sometime in the future I will have enough handle on my own feelings that I can help others by relating my experiences, successes ... and failures.
Yes Heather, there is a problem with desire to build something where something never existed before. But anything worth building takes awhile, and often you can't see the progress until you are far enough into it that its pretty much already there.
I think that is a good step in deciding to build the house. Just remember what Corri was talking about. Focusing on keeping the tone of the conversation positive, and always try to build and not tear down with your words. I think if no matter what else happens, you always do this with regards to the house, it can literally be a foundation for your new marriage. That way, whenever you talk about the house, it will generate positive conversation and thus positive feelings, kind of like a safe haven from any other problems. IMHO anyway
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I am very sorry if I have upset you or made you feel like your advice is unwanted. That was not my intention. I just hope you realize that I am having a really hard time dealing with the issue and am just taking a course that I think is best. I do value your opinions and input. Please know that I do read and take very seriously everything you say to me.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I say "I'm done" because I cannot stay impartial on this any longer. This is a topic I cannot maintain my objectivity on....simply due to my H deceiving me as he did for years and my discovery of that deception back in Feb. I know the feeling of betrayal and I know the overpowering desire to know the truth too.
IMPO without full disclosure to your W, without giving her all the facts....you are doing the same thing my H did, you are continuing to deceive and allow her to live a lie. I understand you are going off of your C's advice, but I admit....I'm looking at this from your W's side of the fence.
So, IMPO anything you believe you are building, without full disclosure to your W....is false.
Now, OTOH...."IF" you were making full disclosure to your W and she said "stop, I don't want to hear anymore!" that would be something completely different. What I'm hearing though is that she is left out of that decision. Hopefully I'm wrong....but regardless I've found I cannot maintain my objectivity....so I'm bowing out of this thread.
