Alpha Male 101

[sat567]

Well, the answer to that, as it applies to HP is that she is who she is. Heck, she was hot for the skinny, spectacled lector in the middle of a time of worship just because his voice was pushing her hot button. HDWs can be hot for their non-alpha Hs because, maybe they remember an instance where they were very alpha. Lots of reasons.

Hairdog

[honeypot]

As an HDW, I find that it's often (ok, most of the time) NOT my H's behavior that gets my motor runnin but his presence and physical characteristics. And just the fact that I love him.
He is very manly in his demeanor and mannerisms. He is physically strong and has a long stride when he walks. He is not 'soft' to touch in any way and he's not a snuggly bunny of a dude.

So despite the fact that his personality can be weak, he does not come across as a weak person, usually. THANK GOODNESS.

Cobra, your question is a good one but not one that I really know how to answer. So far in my marriage I have not placed myself in the Mother Role and I can't even wrap my mind around how to do it. I can envision really easily what I'd do if my child found herself unable to make a decision because she was afraid to disappoint but I can't figure out how to translate that into man/wife without the whole thing going awry.

HP

P.S. sorry for the hijack chrome.

[karen1]

Excellent points made here.

My H is extremely alpha in every way except sexually. He has a REALLY deep, booming voice. Yet....when he does waffling/non-alpha behaviors it does challenge even my libido. I stay hot for him despite the times he is less than alpha not because of them. I stay hot for him because I can always listen to the booming voice and feel the physical reality of his size. We women are complicated creatures arent' we?

Karen

[chromosphere]

All,

Just thought I would say there is no hijacking going on. I started this as a free discussion about understanding alpha male behavior. As I have defined alpha male behavior, it is that behavior that creates the most "response" from a woman in terms of sexuality, attraction, etc. So you women discussing what makes you hot for your H, and what doesn't, is perfectly relevant.

So please feel free to be completely open with this topic. It is very useful for me to hear HP and Karen saying the "physical masculinity" of their H's is a big turn-on. I have often had thoughts that me getting down on the floor and baby-talking my kids and acting childish with them might be a turn-off for the W, or at least create images in her head of me that might be a turn-off later. Any comments on that ladies?

Chrome

p.s. I will eventually be able to respond to all the wonderful posts on my thread, and to the Q/M thread. I just felt it was necessary to make this post sooner so that the people here don't prematurely quash the discussion out of fear of it being off-topic.

[Greeneyedlass]

Chrome,

Just chiming in here...for me, when I see my H playing and having fun with our S...I find that highly attractive. There are many attributes that attract women sexually....alpha male behavior (which I still attribute mainly to self-confidence) is one of those attributes, but tender/fun interactions with the children is also very attractive. I can't think of any of the women that I know who would say that they didn't find their H's playing/cuddling their children very attractive....we all (my friends and I) find that very appealing behavior.

GEL

[Cobra]

HP,

I had this thought yesterday but didn't get to post it... I don’t think you place yourself in a mother role. I don’t think your H wants you there either, but because of his past, he naturally assumes a passive position, waiting for others to state their choice, then he can safely follow along. I think he is more focused on conflict avoidance than following his true desires.

Take your example when you don’t answer him on where to eat, he gets frustrated and you just look at him. It may seem funny to you, but I personally think you are putting him under a lot of stress when you do this. To him, it probably isn’t very funny.

If his main concern is to avoid a fight, then he NEEDS to know what you want FIRST. Then he can make a non-confrontational choice or counter offer. Without knowing your initial preference, he is now at risk for possibly creating a disagreement and he has been trained to avoid that at all costs. Disagreements seem to be very scary for him. Even if he knows as an adult that a disagreement over which fast food to go to will not be a major issue, I think he is still experiencing the same feelings of apprehension he felt as a child. So he locks up.

My question is how to relieve that anxiety, let him know there is nothing to worry about over this particular topic, and allow him the security to stick his neck out and make a decision?

[honeypot]

If his main concern is to avoid a fight, then he NEEDS to know what you want FIRST. Then he can make a non-confrontational choice or counter offer. Without knowing your initial preference, he is now at risk for possibly creating a disagreement and he has been trained to avoid that at all costs.

I totally agree with this assessment. Every bit of it rings true.

However, the fact remains that--in the scenario-- I am not hungry. He is hungry and asking me where to eat. Most of the time I will pick a place just to avoid the would-be-comical-if-it-weren't-so-dang-annoying scenario, but again, I am not hungry. Or...I should say it this way: I avoid any kind of fast food because I don't want to be overweight. So I will usually opt to wait on eating out and eat when I get home. He knows this is my preference. So when he's buggin me for my preference he really wants me to tell HIM where to eat. But, see, I gotta pick the place that he is already thinking of.
Of course, I don't play this game but I still don't see a way to "help" him not do this.

I agree with you that not saying anything--and watch him get truly upset--is not the way to go, and I rarely do that. But making the choice every time aint it either. Nudging him to do it himself does nothing but get him pissed off and yelling at me.

I suppose I could calmly say: "I would really like for you to make the decision this time. That would make me happier than you choosing a certain place that I might be thinking of.."

He will most likely say "Oh knock it off, HP! Just pick something!!"

Any other suggestions?

(P.S. I'll be gone for a couple weeks so I'll get this when I get back.)

[haphazard]

HP,
The way you describe your H's lack of ability to make a decision is EXACTLY the way my H is. He wants me to pick for him, he wants me to mind-read him and get it right for him. Because he likes to act the "nice guy" by offering me the choice but secretly wants his choice. Most of the "quote" you put in have been uttered at sometime or other my my H . And I totally agree with you it is SOOOOO frustrating. It is even more frustrating when he will call me controlling - yaaaarrrgh!

How about next time you just toss a coin?

Fran

[cinemanymph]

Just wanted to add MHO and list the qualities that make an alpha male:

1) Ability to be honest without being brutal.
2) Willing to love with all the depth of his being.
3) Gentle to lesser intellects.
4) Willing to seriously consider others POV, and if necessary integrate them into his own POV.
5) Keeps his anger in check.
6) Exercises integrity at all costs.

Does anyone know a person fitting this description? Any fictional charcters come to mind?

[gardenmary]

Just wanted to add MHO and list the qualities that make an alpha male:

1) Ability to be honest without being brutal.
2) Willing to love with all the depth of his being.
3) Gentle to lesser intellects.
4) Willing to seriously consider others POV, and if necessary integrate them into his own POV.
5) Keeps his anger in check.
6) Exercises integrity at all costs.

Does anyone know a person fitting this description? Any fictional charcters come to mind?

This is my first post; I will reply then go post my own story when I get a few more free seconds. I have lurked for a LONG time.

What fictional character springs to mind that fits your alpha male description?

Atticus Finch, from "To Kill A Mockingbird". I think he personifies all of those qualities.