HP

My first reaction to this has always been ...I have no idea how to approach it from this angle.

But I have just recently noticed something. So Ill give it another shot.
Plus I am going to take you to task for your all around tone in this post.

Are you ready?

My H has always wanted to follow me, for me to lead him.
BS. He may want to make you happy, but thats not the same thing at all.

This is not necessarily his fault as I obviously chose him, in part, for this trait.
Didnt you chose him because you trusted him? You felt safe with him?

I really jumped into the leading position and somehow positioned myself as the R expert of the marriage and expected him to defer to me. Man, was I in for a shock. He could hold his own just fine, and did.
So you didnt actually manage to assume the leadership postion did you. Therefore he does not want you there.

So now I am in a position where I'd love for him to be a little stronger and more of a leader and I'm stuck with.....the same old guy I married.
You are out of control woman. Stuck? Stuck? WTF is that? Yes you are more aware of and willing to admit what you need now. Are you willing to admit that to him? Have you done so? He is and is not the same old guy you married. In what ways is he improved over the boy you married?

he avoids being in charge with everything he's got--even with simple tasks such as "Do you want Subway or Burger King for lunch?" He will hem and haw until he finally stammers and stutters that he can't make the choice and would I please make it. It drives me insane.

So do you let him know that it drives you insane? Are you radically honest. If you are being emotionally controlled and reserved you are not. If your not occasionally and honestly venting your not being congruent. Thats not leading thats letting him know your emotional state and letting him know YOUR preferences. This mis calibration is akin to a man switching from needy to angry. Youve just switched from out of control emotional to overly controlled emotional. A combination of calm directness, and congruent emotionality.

I am not going to DO anything about it because my leading days are done.

Do something is not necessarily leading. If your emotional flatline is not in the best interest of the R, then its not the right way to behave. You have had major life hits this year. Its going to have drained you. Even if it is leading--- you're M. Life partners. Everyone needs to be able to take a nap now and then.

Well that wasnt too terrible of a beating. More of a friendly shake.

Oh yeah... something I just remembered. I will let other men speak about there preference, but I have never said or thought that a woman supplicating or placating was a positive attractive behavior. I will say it doesnt turn off my desire so resoundingly as it does a womans, but for a man to be authoritative, does not require a woman to supplicate.

Defeat is not the same as surrender. IMO a man has to earn a surrender. Defeat is when people just give up.

I want to finish off by saying Sincerly. Thank you. to my friends on the forum. I have learned so much.
Maintaing a LTR will never be easy, no matter your knowledge or understanding. We have opposing and disparate needs, and will always encounter crashing insecurities. Biology's selfish drives will fight our cerebral good intentioned desires, but being able to feel the SO's gender needs and reasons for them.... It took me 15 years to even comtemplate fighting for my woman, and a couple more years to accepting and comprehending why I should do that and hopefully what that looks like in a attractive manner. LOL. Talk about some entrenched beliefs. HAHAHA!!
hopefully it will make the next one easier. It will be fun trying at anyrate.

Here is an irony. Ive put some ( just a little) effort into learning and being aware of what is attractive to women, (I allready knew what I liked ) ...in the end it just ends up being your real self, positively.

Then I resented and feared, infatuation for yeaaars. up untill just recently as a matter of fact. lmao. <head shake> Instead of appreciating it for what it is, I diminished it for what it wasnt. Im . I feel sorry for the next one allready. LOL.


I have a question for the ladies. HP you brought it up.
I think I get the difference on demonstrating ugly possesive untrusting jealousy (not an issue) and feeling unprotected by indifferance/arrogance, (definite issue) and nurturing protective sort.

my question.. How does it make you feel when your H is possesive, jealous, sexually aggressive, when you have been away for awhile?