Okay, this is for those of you that actually Div'd and then got back together, whether you've remarried or are just together... I realize all sitchs are different, but how long did it take after the D for the other Spouse to "come around" and want anything to do w/ you? Like anything from just talking more than necessary to actually wanting to go and do something? A few months, 6? A year?
Just curious. And how much effect did being "quiet" and not pressuring them or trying to convince them play a role (if they gave you such feedback)
I won't be able to answer the question the way you want because we didn't lose contact during the separation or after the divorce. We still did things together the whole year. We talked, etc. The groundwork was laid in the beginning, before the separation, that we could interact in an amicable way. My turnaround occurred after the R she was in came to an end and only then could she look at me as a possibility.
I did occasionally slip up and have R talks about trying again and there was a time or two we had through the clothes sex, but I do not believe that those things actually helped in reconciling. I truly believe that it is about decisions. There either comes a time that the WAS sees life with you as a possibility or their doesn't. The things you say to them probably don't influence the decision that much, and if the words do, it's probably more a negative influence than anything.
My stance is that you need to focus on yourself. Be an attractive catch for any woman, including your W/XW. Starting again has to be an informed decision for both of you. Get happy with your life and whatever happens happens. My main suggestion is that you at least be friendly, try to be friends still, and have a groundwork for a future R.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: and there was a time or two we had through the clothes sex
I believe we called that "dry humping" in my day! And 'twas quite the thing!
Quote: Be an attractive catch for any woman, including your W/XW.
Yep. Funny thing is I HAVE been seeing someone who is "into" me and another lady FRIEND just gave me a huge ego boost and commented that it's apparent I really pay attention to her or whoever I'm with. And I'm probably better at that now than I was the past few years w/ XW... she just is DONE. And thinks that she wants to find someone new to start over w/ and make "NEW MISTAKES with". WTF? Don't these WAS's realize that their new improved life is going to be more difficult what w/ blended families, different dynamics, screwed up schedules, $$$ issues.... I'm seeing some of this now and we had a VERY EASY D... She has no idea how easy it went.
Quote: Don't these WAS's realize that their new improved life is going to be more difficult what w/ blended families, different dynamics, screwed up schedules, $$$ issues.... I'm seeing some of this now and we had a VERY EASY D... She has no idea how easy it went.
No, she doesn't see that. She somehow has this pie in the sky thought about the next future XH. Remember, "love conquers all"? Of course, you and I know that it is B.S., but it's something she may never figure out. It's probably always the other persons fault that things go awry. That, or all males if she becomes jaded enough.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
HI, I have been wondering the same thing too. I'm not divorced yet, but I would like to know if my spouse may come back to me and have regrets later on. But then I think: why would I want him back after he actually divorced me? What kind of person is that and why would I want that again in my life? But at the same time I would love for him to come back and wonder how long I will keep wanting that.
I have been wondering if anyone on this board thinks I have a chance in the world of getting back with H. We have been separated for almost 14 months. H had told me 1 1/2 years after telling me that he didn't want to be married anymore. H filed at the end of January. He spent some time with me in July, kissing me and telling me he missed me and I still had that effect on him. Only to tell me later in the week that he was sorry he hurt me and that he still wanted a divorce. About a month later he began dating a friend of ours who he had dated a couple of times in high school. I have stopped all contact with him except when we are at one of our son's football games. H has been dating OW for about a month and brings her to our other S's high school football games but does not bring her to older S's college games. I still love him and would love to put our marriage back together. Does anyone on this board think that I have a chance in the world to accomplish getting back with him? H screamed at me on the phone that he does not love me anymore. Our D should be final soon. He has submitted a property settlement offer but my lawyer says that I am entitled to more than he offered. Lawyer says that I am entitled to spousal support and more child support. I am afraid if I agree to try for more money and spousal support I will ruin any chance of reconciliation. If I don't ask for more, I may not be able to keep the home that our sons grew up in and our youngest wants to live in until he graduates.
H is 44, I am 51. sons 19 and 17. M almost 20 years. I have a son 31 from a previous marriage.
Should I just give up?
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Quote: He has submitted a property settlement offer but my lawyer says that I am entitled to more than he offered. Lawyer says that I am entitled to spousal support and more child support. I am afraid if I agree to try for more money and spousal support I will ruin any chance of reconciliation. If I don't ask for more, I may not be able to keep the home that our sons grew up in and our youngest wants to live in until he graduates.
THIS is business, nothing more. You should ask for (and receive) all that you are entitled to. You've been on this board long enough to know that giving in to settlement demands, making wild promises, and so on does NOT bring a WAS back. Look out for number 1, YOU and don't worry about STBXH. If he has a "come to Jesus" moment and slaps his forehead and says "WTH was I thinking"... then you can figure out what you want to do.
Sorry to hear about your sitch, but I really think there are very few couples that get back together once they separate. I know in my sitch, once she made the decision to move out, she was GONE! Kept telling me though that "we can date, we can figure out if we can put US back together"...etc. Was sleeping w/ OM (EA) within 3 days! Told the kids less than a week later she was going to be dating him (he was a family friend and a coworker of mine!) The 4 of them then went out together 11 days after she moved out! And she STILL says that wasn't wrong "b/c they knew him!" Of course that R blew up in less than 3 months!
Now she's on her 2nd BF this summer that she's involved the kids in and doesn't take the time to date these guys for a while before introducing them to the kids...
So, take care of you, the boys and don't expect anything from H. Sorry.
Agree with previous post #1 Priority is to get the best deal for your kids. Their future is very negaively impacted by divorce thus the spouse who walks away needs to contribute. You must be their advocate and the most important time is now.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
I had a question for you guys,How was it getting back together and did you guys really want that. I'm not saying my ex and I are getting back together but he has siad that maybe some day we will but for me I'm not sure I want to he has hurt me really bad and trust is gone. i do think about if we did alot but i think thats because I don't have anyone now and i'm very lonely.. thanks Joa.by the way if yiou have any ideas for meeting good guys let me know thanks again.
Of course, you and I know that it is B.S., but it's something she may never figure out. It's probably always the other persons fault that things go awry. That, or all males if she becomes jaded enough. 