Make a decision as to what YOU will/won't put up with...and that's not an easy thing to do. It's up to the addict to do something sbout their addiction...YOU cannot do it for them. He must take the necessary steps when he's willing to recognize HIS problem. As long as he's in any way blame-shifting for why he drinks...he's not at the point where he will come close to taking real accountability...and taking the steps to overcome the addiction.
With my XH it took me finally walking out the door for him to get to that place.
The first thing you have to realize is that there is nothing you can do about anything HE does, including his drinking.
Just as with all the other issues we discuss here, the only one you can work on is you.
He is addicted to alcohol; you are addicted, too-- to the alcoholic.
Start browsing around this site: www.soberrecovery.com. Read the articles. Attend alanon meetings. Start dealing with YOUR issues.
It was so hard for me to grok this. It is maddening, infuriating, hurtful, frustrating-- but you CANNOT make him stop drinking, care whether his drinking bothers you, change his behavior, get into recovery-- none of it!
It's too big a subject to tackle here... go to that site and start reading. There are message boards there. Go to "friends and family of alcoholics." Read some of the stickies.
You've GOT to save yourself. You cannot save him. IF you radically change the way you relate to him, it may get his attention. If you stop making excuses, sticking around and trying to reason with him, getting mad about his dysfunctional behavior, IOW do a total 180 on his drinking-- not for the purpose of making him change, but for the purpose of saving your sanity-- you might see some changes in him. You might not.
In any case, ask yourself, do you want to be right here a year from now? Two years? Ten? Twenty? FORTY?
_____________
Edited to add:
Get this: as long as you argue with him about drinking, or even converse with him about it, then in his eyes, YOU are the problem. How many times has he said, "My drinking wouldn't be a problem if you'd just get off my back about it!" Well, then GET off his back about it. Then it WILL be his problem. Let him see and feel the consequences of his drinking. When you get between him and the booze, he can't see that the bottle is his enemy. He thinks you are the enemy and treats you accordingly.
The thing that is doing my head in is that H said in C session he has no desire for me. That is the reason for our lack of sex life.
That knocks the final nail in the coffin for me, it has been my job to initiate for a long time now, and I have only done so about once a month because I have been trying to see if he would initiate. Now he has more or less said he won’t, I no longer want to bother. There is nothing worse as far as I can see than the humiliation of coming on to someone who does not desire you.
Up until recently I was always the “desired” one – or at least felt myself to be. It was important to me to feel that way. I never turned him down as my drive is greater than his just anyway and our encounters were usually pretty hot. Even the mundane ones were OK, both got rocks off and went to sleep satisfied if you KWIM.
Now I just don’t know. I cannot abase myself even further in this relationship, it was hanging by a thread and that thread was sexual desire. Now that that final thread has snapped I find myself floating free.
The sad fact is that I have been living in a SSM for very many years. To me the exact frequency is immaterial what matters is that one partner feels they are getting less sex than they want. And the feeling leads to feelings of rejection by, or lack of importance to, the other person. I wouldn’t really mind at all if we only had sex a couple of times a month if I felt my H was gagging for it and the only reason it wasn’t more often was because physical or work related issues meant we couldn’t do it more often. Sort of like conducting a long distance R where you only get together infrequently but when you do you can’t keep your hands off each other. I don’t mind the idea that work, kids and different sleep patterns mean that we can’t get it together often as long as there is the feeling that we both would like to and when we get the chance we are both hot for it.
When I first came back to the SSM board this time (around January I think) I was struggling with desire issues. I was hot for a guy at work and my libido was just distracting me so badly I could think of nothing else. You guys helped convince me to reinvest in my M (along with the fact the OG disappeared – LOL). Now I find my libido doing the exact same thing except this time with no object. I think it is the fact that I know I’m no going to get any, rather than just wondering when. I know a lot of you have REALLY famished SSM’s so please help me out here and tell my anything I can do to stop my mind wandering off the whole time.
Interesting side bar: I sent a text message to a friend asking if we could meet for coffee. Signed off with a few xxx’s which is totally normal amongst girlfriends. H was playing with my phone practising sending text messages from a web site he is creating, and found the message. He assumed an A and confronted me. He clearly does feel ownership of me in some way, he would like to own me but not maintain me. Woah! That strikes a chord, very similar to the way he owns a Lotus Elise that stays in the garage NEVER gets driven, NEVER gets maintained.
I am getting to the point where I can’t be bothered analysing our sitch any more. It is blah, it has been blah for too long and as far as I can see it’s going to carry on being blah. Me wasting time and energy on it seems the ultimate in futility.
I have ordered the book Lil recommended to Cobra – Imperfect Harmony. When I’ve read it I’ll let you know if there are any interesting nuggets.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Hey Fran, I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you.
I am getting to the point where I can’t be bothered analysing our sitch any more. It is blah, it has been blah for too long and as far as I can see it’s going to carry on being blah. Me wasting time and energy on it seems the ultimate in futility.
I know exactly how you feel. Just try to remember that you do have the power to change your life, don't surrender. For a long time, I tried to force an outcome in my situation. In my mind, the only two options were actively making it all better or up and leaving. Right now, I'm just breathing. Just being. And the sense of calm I feel when I can get to that place is so rewarding. One way or the other, things will work out the way they are supposed to.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
