Thesaurus: talk, tattle, gossip, gibberish, drivel, chat, chatter, foolishness, maundering, nonsense, prating, gab, hot air (slang). Derivative: prattler noun
Etymology: 16c: from German pratelen to chatter.
Fran, your H is like me (was) in one way, overly involved in work.
BB complained that I worked too much but also said she wished she had A, B, & C very often. Your case may be different but I know more than half of me working a full-time and a part-time job was related to just spending more money than we needed to spend. To this day, BB still talks about how she wanted so and so back when.
Hearing that makes me feel disappointed/resentful because to me, what I provided was somehow less than what her standards required. I also see it as a form of entitlement on her part and that leads me to lose some respect for her. I think I did the best I could and still missed the mark. What I did working overtime was not good enough, it was not fully appreciated so why try, why did I work overtime?
Your case is different, just telling you what happened to me from one man's POV and let you decide to use what you can and maybe nothing fits your situation.
If you want your H to work less, try to get him to save 25% of what her earns and you buy less than you normally have done. With money in savings and a lower consumption rate, maybe your H would work less.
Maybe he will see his way clear to do more salsa dancing with a nest-egg/savings built up. Maybe he will see it takes less work to maintain a decent, but not expensive living standard.
I like to think of doing 75% of the work I used to do, to live 90% of the former lifestyle. That 10% increase in lifestyle uses up the extra 25% of the income, not really worth it on a cost benefit ratio.
Also, you could validate your H's accomplishments ( I read you do this) and the things he brings home or buys ( more than BB did) so he feels he is reaching a mark of being a good provider.
I often felt I was inadequate in BB's eyes because some of out peers had more and did more than we did. I don't know your situation, but being competitive within the M and being competitive with friends and neighbors, both can be problems that add to your H's sense of high work ethic.
BTW, anyone that is self-employed is in competition with other people that do similar work. I hear salaried and hourly people talk about what days they have off and what benefits are due to them. I hear business owners and self-employed people talk about expenses, getting jobs done, looking for new work to come in, and paying bills. I also listen to commissioned people talking about percentages of the gross and meeting sales quotas. Same type of work, different perspectives.
BB used the D word so often when we used to argue. I know how it feels. I was the one who said no to that line of thinking.
I see where you said/think he didn't love you. Funnily enough saying "you don't love me" doesn't elicit this response, however "you don't like me, and haven't liked me in years" doesn't seem to get the knee-jerk "oh yes I do" reaction. It reminded me of when I split up with long-term BF, saying I don't love you didn't do it. Saying I don't want to be your GF anymore did. I did used to give the knee-jerk "yes I do" but maybe your H is like me in some ways.
I had it rough for a long time and honestly can say actions were more important than feelings. so when you said to your Xbf he didn't love you and it didn't register, I can put myself in his place and say "so what does that look like" and not totally know what to do. When you said you didn't want to be his gf, he knew what that looked like.
Back to your H and his work ethic, lack of being able to chill out.
To me, some women/men have a Santa Clause/good fortune view of life, if we are good, good things will happen. I guess those people are the glass is half full folks.
Other people see no Santa Clause and and plan for some parts of their life to go bad by over working in other areas of their life to build a reserve, to make up for unforeseen short-falls or disasters. Maybe those folks are the glass is half people.
Some people switch between half full and half empty.
I took a break to walk the dogs with BB. She walks the dogs because it is cooler (not 98f, weather conditions on 24 Aug. 2006, 9:55 am 66f Winds 10 MPH, 10 mile visibility). To BB the dogs need exercise because they have been couch potatoes when it was hotter and the dogs got out of condition and gained weight.
I walk the dogs for our benefit physically and to improve our marital relationship. Just different ways of looking at a situation, like why does your H work more than you feel is necessary.
when I said "you don't even like me" To tie that in to the dogs, BB thinks I don't like the dogs sometimes and accuses me of being mean to the dogs, none of it is true BTW. Truth is I like them but am not going to treat them like small children that have birthday parties and feelings like humans have. Like you, if the dogs cry when I leave the house, tough. They will get over it and be happy when I return. Dogs are not children, or are they something that can be neglected, no way. Maybe your H's staying home to care for the dogs while you were gone shows he has a soft spot in his heart but does not know how to show it towards you.
I suspect your H's view of liking you is different than yours of liking him. It doesn't mean he does not like/love you. It might have been better to ask him to think of one or two things he likes/loves about you at times like these. I think you would have made the R stronger by doing that.
Yes, I have some of your H's traits, so I shared some of "MY" thoughts, for what they are worth. I am not placing any blame on you for the recent situation, just suggesting you consider a few things and maybe some reasons why your H does what he does.
With most of your posts I agree with your POV. {{{{{Fran}}}}}
