I too know of the validation imbalance scenario. Just this morning as I awoke I was struck by how beautiful my W is and let out a flurry of compliments. But then my stupid mind poisoned the event a few moments later when I realized that she almost never compliments me.
It is at those times when I have to force myself to look at the larger picture. Why am I validating/complimenting her? Is it for the purpose of receiving validation back? Or is it a true expression of my feelings toward them at that moment? While most of us would want it to always be option #2, the fact remains that nearly everyone needs validation, and many of us feel particular pleasure when that validation comes from our SO. So there is a natural temptation/tendency to give validation with strings attached. The way I try to think about it is to divorce the situations. My validation of her is independant of her validation of me. It is natural for me to expect that in a loving relationship my SO will validate me. If he/she doesn't, then there is a problem. But I do not need to frame the problem as a comparison between the validation I give and receive. Lack of validation from the SO is a problem whether or not you give a lot of validation yourself.
All that being said, I am very sorry for the situation you are in. Your H does seem to be very defensive and deflecting of criticism. Getting someone like that to admit that they were wrong is very difficult and frustrating. My C has advised me that the best course of action is to be as UN-repetitive as possible. Saying something like "We have already been over this, several times. You know how I feel about it, discussing it further is pointless." While that may seem on the surface to be conflict avoidance, it really isn't because arguing further about it isn't likely to create a solution, only more bad feelings. Only when a person's position has changed on the issue does bringing it back up become potentially fruitful. I hope I am making sense.
Anyway, my heart does go out to you in this difficult time. Like Corri said, try to frame this situation as setting a boundary in your M, NOT as a precursor to D.
Best wishes Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
