I was married to a workaholic myself, so I completely empathize. My H sought all kinds of validation from me, and I understand how, after years of this... this one way direction of energy from you to them, and then the volley back from them to you with criticism and snarling... just dries up your willingness to do or say anything for them.
I think where you are getting off track (and so is your H), is comparing who does more. I think BF would call this competing. Neither one of you recognizes the other for the valuable and necessary contributions you both make to running a household and a life together.
Throw that all into the resentment tank, light a match, and you have a mini-Hiroshima all in the comfort of your backyard.
A lot of people who bury themselves in work and recreational drugs (like alcohol) are doing so to avoid life. They don't want to engage... they just want to get it right... manifested from low or nearly non-existent self-esteem.
YOU cannot fix that. You can be respectful and empathetic to their plight (if that is how you WANT to be, or not, your choice)... but understand that what he is doing is not something directed AT YOU, not something he is doing TO YOU, but from his own need to feel better about himself. I'm sure you know this.
What I am curious about is your tag line beginning this thread. Why Oh sh!t? You are finally coming to a point where you are drawing a boundary. I think you could be a bit more gentle in delivering the boundary, I think you can say 'thank you' to him for his efforts... but I also know first hand what a bottomless pit that is... so don't do it for him... do it for YOU... because, again, it is an expression of the type of person you are (or not).
I think you have reached a critical point in your M... that is going to get you out of gridlock. Spouses must understand (going both ways) that we are not bottomless pits of selfless giving. Part of respect is turning that towards yourself, and if he is a bottomless pit o' need... it is because you helped him set that up. Now you are setting some limits and he doesn't like it. Fine. If he needs to leave, let him.... you can't control that.
But the first effort in re-establishing respect within your marriage, and FOR HIM, is to first re-establish respect for yourself. You've made that first step. Good for you.
In the process, you can also be gentle with him. He's had his way for quite some time, and he isn't going to appreciate you 'gettin' all jiggy with it' now.
