he seemed to be looking for some validation from you that he had done something nice, giving...unselfish perhaps over the last week
What I typed out is an account of the conversation we had. It is not an account of what actually happens in our marriage. His claims to have done such a lot, are exactly that, just claims. I didn’t bother to argue these points with him at the time, which is why they are not reported here.
Yes he does look for validation from me and I am frankly sick and tired of giving it. He is looking for validation for staying home in peace and quiet (something he craves alot of), with the dog (who he adores) no commuting for a week and he is making a big martyr trip of it.
It's a normal part of our routine for him to look after the kids on Sundays, and the kids were tired and happy to veg out all day. In the meantime I went shopping for groceries as there was nothing in the house. Then we all went out to the for a walk in the park. After that I cooked a nice dinner - and washed it up, and put the kids to bed that evening.
He himself will acknowledge in calmer moments that his need for praise/thanks/adulation etc is over the top and far higher than that of most people. I have praised and thanked him til I'm blue in the face it goes unnoticed or it gets brushed aside or I get "alright, alright no need to lather it on - what are you trying to get from me anyway". Gel I know I did a lot of things wrong last night, but something snapped. I get zero feedback from him about whether I'm doing anything right, I get nothing but criticism and carping. His day generally consists of wait til I'm up dressed and out the house, get up, go to work, come home, barely say hello, hide in den working and drinking until bedtime. Fall into bed, unwashed with unbrushed teeth. Snore. Rinse, repeat.
What I was trying to do last night was just say to him if you want something different from me trying not doing more of the same yourself.
In the early years of our marriage I cooked him nice meals, complimented him, thanked him effusively. His response was to leave half the meal on the plate (without comment) or else complain that it wasn’t to his taste, brush off the compliments (in other words tell me I was wrong to think that).
In the meantime work mounted up, everytime he took on more work he would throw more household chores my way (this is way before we had kids and I was working too). He would go through an "extra busy" period and look to me to pick up the pieces. The extra busy period would not come to an end I would carry on doing extra domestic things, another crisis would hit and I would pick up more. And so on until eventually I was doing EVERYTHING around the house and everything around the R. We did not go out much and most evenings were spent with him "working" and me doing my own thing. I don't know why I put up with it then, that's what I meant about him not liking me all these years and me having so little self-esteem that I accepted the crumbs. When we had kids I wanted them so I would have people in the house to interact with. I've posted my story elsewhere about what happened next.
Frankly it's a crock of sh!t and I won't take it anymore. I am DONE with validating/thanking/complimenting as well as with bending and twisting myself out of shape to be perfect little wifey for him. He has never moved an inch for me.
He has a bad attitude, I remember one time he was off to the shops to get groceries. As he left the house I remembered we hadn't put coffee on the list (he drinks it, I don't). I went to the door and called to him as he was about to get in the car. He turned irritably and said "WHAT?!?" That is the attitude I have put up with from him all our marriage. Something as simple calling out to remind him to buy something he needs is seen as an intrusion and a demand on him.
My very existence is an intrusion and a demand on him and I won’t live that way any longer.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
