This is a long story, grab a bag of popcorn and soda and sit back. LOL.
Thursday, I had called W at lunchtime to chitchat like we normally do on lunch breaks. The call went to voicemail, and then I figured she must still be doing something and would call me back in a couple of minutes like she always does when she misses my call. I never got a call back so I suspected that THEY had lunch. Oh well, another hurt for me. So, Thursday night came, both of us home from work, she did her usual ritual, sat on the computer for just a very short moment, not even long enough to write email or check email. I had confirmed that she cancelled her email account to try and not communicate via email with OM. She was supposed to go to water aerobics at 7 but suddenly had a headache so I gave her a pill for it. She laid down on the couch and fell asleep. S8 and I watched TV until it was S8’s time to go to bed, then W woke up and laid by me to watch TV and we chatted a little bit, but I cannot remember the details.
Friday morning came; everything was pleasant since I have this idea now that my W has not completely abandoned our family. We went to work and S8 went to school. We exchanged emails throughout the day and I guess she was emailing OM too from what I learned (she told me) later during the weekend. Friday afternoon, she emailed me that one of her coworkers was leaving for reassignment and that they are going to happy hour. She’s been telling me for a long time, “let’s go to happy hour!”, so I figured, “Sure, go to happy hour, and to make it up to you, I’ll even drop you off so you’re not drinking and driving”. I had plans to go shoot pool that night too so it kind of worked out. I was going to pick her up after I play and she can have her fun with coworkers too.
The plan seemed perfect, at about 8:30P she called me, happy, told me who was there, what they were doing and that they plan on barhopping, in the area, on foot. So I say OK, and just keep me posted as to where you are so I know where to park when I get there. We were supposed to meet at around 10:00P. I got done shooting pool, and drove off to Scottsdale where she was even though she hasn’t called me yet to tell me she’s ready to be picked up. I figured I’d just park at a bar and watch girls while waiting (just kidding!), so I parked and waited. I called her cell, no answer. Called a couple more times, did not leave a message anymore, I was getting frustrated and then I thought, Shiite, I wonder if OM was with her.
So, I was sitting there waiting patiently… I think… then my cell phone rang. Oh crap, that’s a familiar number, it was the OM’s!! I let voicemail pick it up and then I nervously called VM to check what the message was. Guess what!? It was OM’s WIFE! Oh my GOD. Ok, I was even more confused now… so I listened to the VM, OMW said, “I am calling because of the number of calls your wife has been placing to our house number. She keeps calling while she’s getting lush at a bar somewhere”. At this point, I was even more “Oh Shiite, how am I going to get her home by myself… I’m not physically capable of getting her in the car drunk as hell” AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHICH BAR THEY ENDED UP IN. I was tempted to flag a couple of bicycle cops in the area out of desperation. So I sat there for a few seconds trying to regain control of my thoughts. I decided to go back to the same bar I dropped her off at thinking her coworkers would park there and go back there after they’re done. I started driving towards the bar and then my phone rang again, this time it was my W’s cell number. I answered it and she gave the phone to her coworker, my W was drunk. Her coworker told me where to go so I can pick her up, before I could pull into the parking lot; W was already approaching my car and got in the backseat. I drove her home and all this time I was driving my phone kept ringing, it was the OMW. She continued to call me up until the time I arrived at the house, this was about 12 midnight already. I also picked up S8 at my sister’s place; he was still up, waiting for mom and dad to get home. I thought he would be sleeping over but I thought of calling to see if he was still up, and so I picked him up. I gave him a heads up that mom might have had a little too much to drink and that if she says anything mean, it’s just that she’s a little drunk. Thank goodness she was too blitzed to say anything. I didn’t wake her up; I didn’t think I could anyway.
I took S8 inside the house and he went in his room to watch TV. I told him that I would be outside if he needed me, that I would just sit out to make sure mom’s OK. He understood and watched TV until he fell asleep. I sat in the front seat thinking about the events of the night and the OMW’s call. So I made up my mind and went inside the house and wrote an email to OMW, she left me her email address in the voicemail. I told her to call me if she wanted to and that I apologize for not answering earlier because I was driving. OMW’s wife replied the next day, more on that later.
So, I went back out and grabbed me a beer, sat on a stool by the front door and thought more about our situation. After a few minutes, I got back in the car, sat on the front seat and pondered about life some more. All this time, W’s phone kept buzzing, unread text messages, unacknowledged phone calls, or voicemail. I got tired of listening to it so I looked for the blasted phone and found it on the floor. I looked at it, had some text messages, so I said to myself, “screw this, I’m reading everything”. My W and OM did communicate via text during the day and the night, and there was one message where OM said “You’re a great wife and girlfriend”. I did not like that, not one bit at all. I figured that in the morning when my W wakes up, this TALK will be IT. I made a few more trips to the fridge and sat back out on the stool and just prayed that whatever I do in the morning I hope I don’t regret. A couple of hours later, I got tired, got back on the front seat and fell asleep also, I woke up in the morning and it was light outside already, I tried to wake W up and she did. A little disoriented but able to get up and walk on her own. First thing she asked was how she got home, when, and who helped her. I told her how, who, and when and then we got inside and we both laid on the bed and slept some more.
I woke up a couple of hours later a little refreshed and she woke up too, she asked again how she got home and how I found her and if she was able to bring home whatever she had with her. I told her the same thing I said when she first woke up and told her about OMW’s call. She said “Oh no!” I then got up and prepared breakfast, she stayed in bed until it was time to eat. After breakfast, I told her about her phone buzzing, how I read the text messages and how I felt about OM telling her how great a wife and girlfriend she is.
This is when she started to tell me the whole story of how she was trying to end the R with OM. That text message OM sent was a sarcastic remark because he wanted to see her that Friday night but she cancelled on him thinking the R will never end if she saw him again. She saw OM on Thursday at lunch to tell him that she wanted to stop but he wanted to see her again Friday night to “talk”. My W told OM that she was doing a family thing that’s why she cancelled, and then later that night texted OM and told him she was at happy hour with coworkers. This made him even more furious, he replied and she called him. Unfortunately for him, the OMW told me in her email that they were kind of in the middle of doing the nasty when my W called (GASP!). That was the last straw for OMW, she used HIS phone to call me, and send a text message to my W to leave her H alone. She used the same phone to call me a few more times that night while I was driving home. She never did call me but we exchanged a couple of emails and there I mentioned that there are discrepancies between her husband’s side of the story and what my W is telling me. We both agreed that we’re not going into the details of the discrepancy because as she said “It’s over, and I will make sure of it, that I need to find a way to control my wife on my end”. OMW said she’ll believe what her husband said and that I’m sure I will believe my wife too. One big discrepancy I was referring to was that OM is portraying my W as the one who was pursuing him, emailing, texting, and calling. My W did not know the details of OMW’s email yet. She had an appointment at 10:45 that morning so she left the house after breakfast. She had texted the OM after breakfast when she was reviewing her text messages, she had texted him to leave her alone and that it was over. She showed me the text message that she sent just to let me know that she’s serious about what she was saying.
My W left for her appointment, she was hung over and confused as to what she’s done. She called me after her appointment and said she’s done and on her way home. She went to eat before leaving the place and thought about what had happened, the OMW’s call, the OM and what I know. OM texted her later that morning while she was eating, she replied, he replied, she replied again and the OM got angry at her comments. OM got angry at her and told her mean things like he always does (she said). From our recent conversations, I found out that OM likes to say mean things to her then come back with words that seem to reel her back in like nothing happened. W told me she realized what he was doing but she just couldn’t break off his grip on her with his “words”.
All this time while they were texting, I was communicating with the OMW, we agreed that there’s no real point of us communicating if their R was really over. I told OMW some details that she shared with the OM, that or he read OMW’s emails. I went out to do some errands and during that time my W got home, OM called her again and was convincing her to sign up for another email address so they can communicate. All of these she revealed to me a little later after I got home. We were talking some more then I mentioned that I had email communication with OMW, she was curious as to what we talked about and asked her if she was comfortable learning the details of what OM and OMW was saying about her. She reassured me that she’ll be mature about it and so I showed her the emails. My W was really surprised about the content of the email, OM had OMW completely fooled by his stories about his R with my W. Earlier also, sometime after I got home, my W was already there, she also revealed to me that if I hadn’t come home sooner, he would’ve convinced her to sign up for that new email account. She agreed to have her cell number changed Saturday afternoon.
Since that time after I got home Saturday, my W spilled everything I wanted to know, she was going to tell me anything that I wanted to know. I was the one who held back knowing that some of the things I’m going to ask about, the answers will hurt. I just asked for reassurance that IF I wanted to know she will tell me. She agreed. She is mad at herself for being played all that time even though inside her she already knew. Sunday came, all we did was talk about our R, what happened, told me about each time she tried to break it up. OM would call, email or text with all the mean words but she ends up getting reeled back in.
W was worried about Monday at work because she knew OM would send email there too. She was right, he emailed her 5 times during the weekend, and the 5th one was inviting her to call him. W forwarded all these emails to me for safekeeping just in case OMW insists that my W was doing all the pursuing.
Tuesday, things are still going OK, W calling in and keeping me updated about anything that’s going on at her work or if OM is calling. She also offered to give me her itinerary each time she will be out of the house. It was a nice gesture and I acknowledged and thanked her for it.
There might be some missing information in between all this stuff that I typed up, it’s just too hard to follow the flow of events and keep them in accurate order at the same time. I’ll post some more info as I recall them.
Wow...quite a couple of days. Hopefully the separation and your wifes resolve to end it continues. Take it one day at a time...each day you guys make it through it will get easier.
Continue to be supportive...I know it is so hard...I feel like I have my wife returning to me but I am still so scared I will do something to reverse everything. Very hard to live like this for long...not knowing what will happen next.
Then once you get her back comes the hard part of making permanent changes so it does not happen again...that is what I am fearing now...falling into the same old routine that got us to this point in the first place. I do not want to live scared...
Stay strong brother...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Ok, wedge, so where do things stand now? She's gone into "full disclosure mode" but has she committed 100% to ending things with him and working on you full time?
The only thing I caution, and people cautioned me when my W got to that point, is that you understand that the affair may have one last gasp...or two...or three. Just beware of that and keep steady. She sounds like she IS comming around slowly so do your best to encourage that and try to ignore some of the little nagging things.
Quote: Ok, wedge, so where do things stand now? She's gone into "full disclosure mode" but has she committed 100% to ending things with him and working on you full time?
GH
GH, it's 100% over, she's now into the stage where she is realizing what an ass she made of herself. She asks me everytime she gets a chance in the conversation, "How come I was not able to get out of it on my own, why did I let it go this far?" I of course had to tell her about being abducted by aliens and that nothing I would have said would have made sense to her at that time. She was in her own little perfect world.
She had forwarded to me every email that she had access to from her work that OM had sent to her over the last couple of days. She sends them to me as attachments so she can't read them anymore. She used her camera phone to take pictures of unanswered calls from OM to her work phone and sent them to me. I'm taking all of this as a positive sign. I have a pic of her and my son on my phone as wallpaper, after we had changed her phone number, she asked me for a pic of me and my S8 so she can have it on her phone too. Last night, while sitting by the kitchen counter, she opened her phone and just said... "For a while there, I lost focus of these two guys in my life."
She brought up my CS on Thursday. W said, "I bet you want me to go". I replied, "I'm not requiring or demanding that you go, but it will mean the world to me if you joined me." She smiled, and said she'll just ask her boss for that day off so she can go with me then we'll spend time together after.
Thanks GH and Mama, I am happy with the outcome of all this DBing with the help from an unexpected ally (OMW). I am still cautious and the occassional nagging thought of a relapse on W's part is there. W thanked me for being now that's she's the one hurting from her actions. I told her that I am here 100% for her support even if I am one of the victims of her selfish actions.
My W did join me on last Thursday at counseling. We both took the day off and spent some time together around town. She did most of the talking at the session and the C was really surprised that she joined me. The rest of the week was a little tense for my W, even though the OMW said she has the OM controlled, OM still called my W’s work and sends her email to try and get my W into another dialogue. W kept forwarding the OM’s emails and taking pictures of her unanswered phone call log at work just to show she has not answered any of OM’s calls.
Friday, I asked my W if it will bother her that I email the OM and tell him to quit bothering her and our family by his emails and phone calls. W said go for it and it would be a relief for her if OM just stopped trying to contact her. I sent the email Friday night and CC’ed all the email addresses I knew of including OMW’s. OM replied to my email Saturday after we got back from the lake with W’s family. OM wrote a long narrative but in the first paragraph indicated that he will not contact us anymore. Ever. I did not read the rest of the email and chucked it in my archives for future reference.
W just asked me to go ahead and setup her appointment with C this Thursday by herself as the C suggested. We go in together at the same time next week.
