She did not wear her ring today, or forgot it because she was running late?
And the story goes…
The last time I posted here was before my C session. That went ok, initial introduction and fact-finding talk with the C, went only by myself. The session ended right before lunch. It turns out W was emailing me at work with her plans for lunch, what she’s going to get and where. We ended meeting at the burger place about 10 minutes from my C session, which kind of surprised her because my work was a good 25 minutes away. I gave in and told her that I was in C session, she was kind of surprised and looked happy about it and asked me “how I was feeling”. She did make a comment about “patient doctor relationship” with a grin. The rest of the week went fine, did the usual family stuff, went to the mall during the weekend, to a party on Saturday, good lazy Sunday, great Monday morning start which leads us to Monday night, where my roller coaster uphill climb begins…
Last night the monsoon hit our general area, blowing dust, rain, thunder and lighting. We watched through the windows and after it calmed down we watched the baseball game on TV, cuddled with W, then she asked me to massage her legs. W also brought up something that caught me by surprise; she asked “So when is your next session this week?” She then corrected herself, “Oh that’s not til next week huh?” I replied “Yeah, on the 31st, too bad I couldn’t get an 11AM appointment, I ended up on the 10AM slot.” Maybe she’ll show up at the C session… hoping.
It was fun until she got up and said she was going to the bathroom, I say OK then just continued to watch TV for the next hour, I guessed she was on the computer emailing or IM’ing OM so I just gave up on her coming back to continue watching with me. After 2 hours, I had enough of watching by myself and got up and went to the bedroom to try and get some sleep. She followed about 40 minutes later and when she laid down whispered “are you asleep”, of course I wasn’t. I replied to let her know I’m still awake. We laid there for a while then she said “go to sleep, I can hear you thinking”. A few minutes later then she asked what in mind. It took me a few seconds to actually say something, this is one of the things she did not like about our relationship, me not being able to voice out what I’m feeling and just keeping it to myself. I told her I was thinking about us… our situation and that I’m really confused about what I’m seeing, feeling and what she’s doing. W asked if I was sad/mad, I said, I’m more disappointed right now. She asked “disappointed about me?” Again, I think I sent the wrong message again, I was disappointed that she ditched me when we were watching not disappointed totally about her. She turned her back on me and I could tell she was crying. I tried to rub her back a little but I did not get any reaction so I stopped.
In the morning, she got up at her usual time, and got on the computer, emailing or just reading I don’t know but she did. She did her morning routine as usual and a few minutes later laid down beside me like she usually does in the morning. I told her good morning and she did the same to me. I asked how she slept; she said “ok I guess”. She asked me how I slept, and I said “not too good”. She replied with “I understand”. I asked if she wanted me to prepare her breakfast like I do most mornings, she declined and thanked me. I asked her again after she got out of the shower and she said she’s ok. I’m probably reading too much into the situation, I try not to mind read. She’s probably a little mad at me or she just wanted me to get more sleep, but who can get any more sleep after that.
I heard her deactivate the house alarm and go out the front door. No goodbye kiss or anything, and when I got up to go get my coffee, her wedding ring was beside the computer where I would see it. I noticed she was about 5 minutes late leaving and my mind is just begging me to think that she was just in a rush and forgot it.
I’m feeling so down right now, I’m even up to the point of conditioning myself to brace for the worst and maybe be ready for something, another big bomb. Is this something small that I’m blowing into a big thing by analyzing and reanalyzing it?
Wedge, Sadly we all live in situations where the slightest action of the S sets us into an obsessive thought pattern that is hard to resist. I think you've hit the nail on the head though. She thinks you are disappointed in her not her action of abandoning you to the TV. She probably thinks she's doing well and you've torpedoed it (in her mind anyway)! Leaving the ring could be her way of striking back at you. I would suggest you try and clarify with her what you meant by your comment and attempt to validate things you like about what she's doing for the R, hopefully there are some! Also probably learning that you are seeing a counsellor has had an impact on her too. So that's my 2cents, hope it helps. Keep us posted.
Just try to be honest, open and direct as soon as you can in these sitches, ESPECIALLY since your W is doing the unthinkable (at least compared to my W) and actually ASKING you what you are thinking. You don't even have to worry about her not wanting to hear it, something that plagues most of us.
Like I said, just try to keep things out in the open and respect her willingness to wonder how you are doing. She isn't asking because she thinks she'll hear all about roses and wonderful things. She knows you may be thinking/feeling some bad stuff but she still asks. That takes some bravery on her part. Reward it with courage of your own to tell her what's on your mind and in your heart. You know how much it hurts to wonder all the time. Show her how to open up so she might do it with you too.
Thanks GH and whatisis for your valuable input. I do realize that my sitch is kind of on the lighter side compared to what others are going or have been through.
Before I read you guys’ replies, I had already called W at work, right before lunch. She’s usually the one calling me during her lunch break, this time I initiated the call. Her voice didn’t indicate any anger or annoyance.She asked me if I checked my email, my alarms just went off, “uh oh”. She asked me where I was and I said “home”. She says “it’s bad”, UH OH again! I replied, “Ok, let me look at it and I’ll call you back.” She replied, “No, not that kind bad.” WHEW! (Wiped the sweat off my brow) Turns out she sent me one of those emails… crude humor and all that. Conversation lasted about 5 minutes, talking about checking the shingles on the roof because of the monsoon and about S8 and what she brought for lunch. She sounded fine, laughing, like nothing’s wrong (what the heck is going on with me).
I finally said, “Ok, I’m going to go get my lunch ready, but before I go I’d like to tell you sorry about last night and that I just have to get it off my chest.” I apologized in the morning but I did not mention anything about the disappointment. I said, “I’d like to clarify something though, I said something last night that might not have come out the way I meant it. I was not disappointed AT YOU; I was DISSAPOINTED that you did not join me back in the TV room.” She got quiet for a moment, at the same time while I was talking my voice was kind of cracking already… she finally acknowledge what I said and I said goodbye and told her I’ll talk to her later. She OK’ed that, and her voice sounded like she was in the verge of tears.
Nothing was mentioned about her ring during our talk, although she mentioned running late too because of getting stuck in traffic and calling her supervisor to let her know about her delay.
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Sadly we all live in situations where the slightest action of the S sets us into an obsessive thought pattern that is hard to resist.
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So very true, I fell right in it today head first.
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Also probably learning that you are seeing a counsellor has had an impact on her too.
This doesn’t seem to be a problem for her. I mentioned this the last time we had a discussion, that I needed to see someone before I go crazy. She was also the one who opened this up yesterday, and when she asked about it, it was the time when we were having a good time while watching the storm.
One thing I forgot to mention in my earlier post was that my C was wondering why I was the only one who came to the session. I told her that W is afraid that C will tell her to STOP communicating/seeing OM. C asked me to relay a message to W that she can come in for 3 sessions, that’s it, if she wants to go some more then it’s ok, and that during the session we will not talk about OM, just US, and how we can strengthen what we have. C’s reasoning behind this, we MIGHT make strong enough that she’d be able to detach from OM. W was intrigued about C’s suggestion when I told her about it, made her go “Hmmmmm”. Could this be also the reason she brought it up yesterday???
GH – I’m slowly getting into trying to voice out my thoughts. This is what my C suggested we work on, for me to be able to communicate to my W what I’m feeling.
I’ll post an update later tonight or maybe in the morning…. God I hope I’m just being paranoid.
Sounds positive Wedge. The other thing to do with obsessive thoughts is to laugh them off and forget them, don't get down on yourself. You're human and in a tough situation! You reacted, end of story (and you will again!)I also think your C is on to something good. Any C worth his/her salt is not going to tell you and your W what you must do. His/her job is to help clarify what you want to do and help you guys devise a plan to get there. Telling her to dump contact with OM would be really pointless but to discuss how to create closeness in your R might make some sense. IT also gives you space to say how much more secure and loved you would feel if OM were out of the picture. She ultimately will decide one way or the other, not you or the C. I hope she goes for it. Personally, I went for the ballroom dance lessons to create closeness. What the heck! Keep us posted.
Quote: GH – I’m slowly getting into trying to voice out my thoughts. This is what my C suggested we work on, for me to be able to communicate to my W what I’m feeling.
My C too...and all of you. Just realize that the hardest part may be learning that HER reaction to what you FEEL is not important and you anticipation/prediction/fear about what it may be should NOT be a motivating factor in your keeping it in, OR expressing it.
This is REALLY hard for me because I have lived my life with my W constantly guarding against upsetting her by telling her my feelings. I would feel personally attacked if she got angry at me for feeling a certain way (and yes, she often DOES get angry when I express myself if it is not what she wants to hear) and then get defensive. This would often lead to an argument and me feeling like I should have just kept my mouth shut.
The trick here is to really pay attention to how you communicate and make sure what you are really doing is expressing YOUR feelings rather than placing blame on her for something, or trying to tell her how she should feel.
I think for me, this is key because I often go back and realize that many times when I thought I had expressed my feelings, I had really just attacked her about something.
I REALLY need to work on this as well so don't feel bad. It's hard for most of us but you do get better with practice.
My W sent me an email at about 2PM with just one word in it, “Hey”. I replied with “Hey back!” I didn’t get another reply back after that so I was thinking, what’s going on here. W called me at around 3:30PM and just chatted about her work and mine and about me picking up S8 at 4:15, our conversation tone was upbeat the whole time and then we said goodbye.
We got home, W was there already as usual and she was checking her email. We both greeted each other, talked about what we were going to do for dinner and both agreed on later dinner after her water aerobics and tennis game. I went to the TV room and left her to do her computer stuff and then it was time for her to get ready and go to her water aerobics, she was walking to the pool and I’m to pick her up and drop her off at tennis after. She got ready and before leaving gave me a kiss and said “Sorry about this morning and/or the night before.” W gave me a hug and kiss on the check again before she stepped out of the house. The rest of the night was good, W was in a happy mood, I stayed and watched her play tennis with her tennis partner. Her tennis partner was someone she had played with for about a year and half now but never really met him. She made it a point a couple of weeks back to introduce me to him. Lately she seems to want to integrate me more into her newfound freedom of not having to be at a certain place at a certain time for me and S8. An example, last night on the way home from tennis she asked if I wanted to go with her at another tennis game so I can meet her other tennis partner (female) and stay to watch if S8 and I wanted to.
We got home after tennis and had late dinner, she rested on the couch and I sat by her. W snuggled with me and said she’s really tired from the activities. I suggested we just go on to the bedroom in case she falls asleep she doesn’t need to get up and move. She agreed to that. S8 said goodnight and we laid there close to each other. She looked at me and asked “Did you go crazy today at lunch time?” I replied, “Yes, I kept thinking about you and I just had to let you know what I had in my chest before I go crazy”. She smiled. W also asked if I got any sleep the night before and I tell her that I did finally sleep when my body just couldn’t keep awake anymore.
She turned her back and requested that I rub her back. During this time she gave a deep sigh. Nosy me, I asked, “what was that sigh about”. She replied, “I don’t know, I think I’m turning around” I didn’t quite know what to say about it, and I just replied, “oh really…” She replied “Yeah”. And then she started kind of singing the Bonnie Tyler song…. Turn around… Bright Eyes… I’m a little in shock and happy at the same time but I don’t want to get too riled up in it that it might just explode in my face. She fell asleep cuddled with me and that felt nice. We woke up early since we needed to get gas for both our cars and it just happened that S8 crawled in bed with us during the morning. She laid on her tummy between S8 and me. We were looking at each other’s face and then she asked “What?” I replied. “You know what” with a smile. I was hinting at ILY, She replied again, “No I don’t” smiling also. We went on with this a couple of times and then she had to get ready. I so wanted to tell her ILY, but I still managed to hold it back.
W wasn’t feeling like playing and was wishing her tennis partner would call and cancel before we left the house. The weird thing was she did call and cancel to reschedule. W was happy and of course me too, we get to spend time together at home just watching TV.
W brought up the previous nights’ conversation, she said she wasn’t sure if she told me directly or she said it in her sleep (dreaming). I asked, “you mean about starting to turn around?” and she replied “yes, that one”. W cautioned me not to get too caught up in it because it’s only been a few …….. (she left that blank). I guess she started to break off contact with OM. She said it’s going to be difficult initially and she hopes she doesn’t slip back to her old ways. She also said, “You’ll have to change to”. She stressed my need for me to communicate with her. I, of course promised to do my part in keeping the positive changes.
I had also told her that I understand what she said about it being difficult initially and that I am here if I could be of any help, that she can come talk to me at any time.
I’m crossing my fingers, and who knows next week she might go with me to see the C. Thank you guys for your inputs and comments.
Lots of things have happened since last Thursday when I posted about my W slowly coming out of the clouds. I will type up something in word so I don't lose whatever I typed up just in case I screw up something. W's R with OM is 90% over... the 10% is just me, not really putting in all my hopes up on this to be over, I'm still kind of reserved since something might come up to get him to reel her back in.
