Thanks for the reply. Let's see, last post was Sunday 08/27/06.
Since Monday things went OK, early on. I was happy to get my S7 ready for school/day care, W went on usual walk, W IM'ed me from her work about her myspace blog. She actually added me as a "friend" on her site. I picked up S7 from school, went home, talked to W a bit and went to my lodge practice. When I got home around 9pm, S7 was asleep and I said hello to W (on the computer as usual)... She said her friend from high school had emailed and really wanted her to go to the 20 yr HS reunion. I agreed and thought at first I was fine. Then, I was at the sink putting dishes in dishwasher and it struck me. Do I trust her to do this? Go out of state w/out me or S7. Is OM somehow involved? CRAP!!! According to W's blog "suspicion is viral". Dang right it is. I started getting emotional and crying. My freekin M has gone to hell. I can't trust my W to go to her own Mom's house. CRAP!! I feel like a weak little idiot standing over my W's dirty dang dishes crying because I can't trust her anymore.
Anyway, OF COURSE she just happens to come in the kitchen and see me being a blubbering ijit! DOHP! Now, at this point, as of last Sat. I have come completely clean as far as snooping etc etc. Do I make up something or let her know that the distrust has upset me like this.
=Truth wins=
I even said I am going against all the "rules" about "self help" (the word I use when she asks what I'm doing on the computer, instead of telling her DBing). I told her it was really OK if she goes, but deep down there is a kernal of doubt. There is not a whole lot I can change about that just yet. I had just caught her in major deceit on Saturday!
"I won't go then if that's how you feel"
So I now feel like the bad guy who won't let her do something "fun". 2 weeks ago I tried to ask if she had made a decision on this. My boss wanted to know am I still taking time off etc. I didn't know what to tell my parents. I left ALL options open. (Oh that's right it =IS= ALL MY FAULT! I forgot.)
So, after a lengthy emotional discussion. She's not going. I tried to give her assurance that I can deal w/ it. Part of me is not pleased with my emotional cracking and part is mad that I won't get the time alone w/ S7 and self not DBing all the time...! Part of me is glad she'll have to stay "close to home". So of course, now she's planting the "I'll probably have to work this weekend" seed. !???
On to Tues. 08/29/06. Tuesday was better. Pretty normal all day. Picked up S7 from daycare. Got home and he went to G-mamma's house for a few days. She (My Mom) stood in the foyer like she was in a stranger's house tho... awkward...)
I went to lodge for 2 hours. When I got home I got changed and made a total effort to be nice and try and talk. We actually snuggled on the couch for quite a while and kissed. Felt almost like old times, except for tears. Both of us. I still can't figure out if she's sad because of what's happened, because of guilt, what's not happened. I kinda of get the feeling like she is distancing herself from me to lessen the pain when she leaves??! I thought we might ML there on the couch, but she said "her little friend" is visiting. wait... wait... wait...
So, today is Wed. 08/30/06. 1st joint MC meeting. She has apparently cut off(?) contact w/ OM since Sunday. I had asked her to "cool it" Sunday. Good sign? or is that resentment underneath??
She was asked by MC if she was willing to work on M. She said she was on the fence, 50/50. Great... That was a blow... I guess that's better than nothing. Anyway, it was a major indicator of how far gone she is already. We didn't get to a lot of issues. MC is focusing on the normal M stuff for now. Communication, division of labor, closeness, all textbook stuff etc. All this is fine, but nothing as far as MLC. I told him my concerns at last appt.
He wants us to spend an hour a night together w/ no TV etc, talking, sitting, whatever. Preferably, after S7 is in bed for the night. We did it last night. You think she'll/me'll be able to do it til next Weds? We'll see I guess. This is usually the time when the "chores" are all done and she (lately) goes to smoke or blog or call or txt or whatever, and I either blog, read, watch show or fall asleep or both.
I just can't shake the feeling that the MC is in a kind of denial about the MLC / OM / A / EA. I even brought up the OM and pressed the issue, because I feel like it's the dang 800 lb gorilla in the room all the time. She is hurt more now because she has "lost" 3 friends, OM and his Parents too. Yeesh. I had to defend myself. I said I did NOT make this decision to have an "unnatural" R with OM. (not my words...) I did NOT say she couldn't have a friendship w/ him or his Parents. Just NOT this constant IM, TXT, Cell calls, all hours, etc etc. AGGHHH!
Anyhoo... I feel like if a few more sessions with this guy are the same, it's not doing any good. I feel like I lost ground since yesterday. W is still defensive, evasive and not owning up to whatever is really going on. Last night we were smootching and all.??
RollerCoaster.. da dah dah dah!! (think Beavis and Butthead the movie, w/ Red Hot Chili Peppers version playing in the background) RollerCoaster da da da dah!!
In a bit of desperation(?) I called my MIL and talked for a bit. I didn't tell her ALL the details, but DID say I suspected some sort of A, that this was SERIOUS, that I'm concerned for M, S7, AND W's well being. That I LOVE W and really feel like she's not giving M a chance. I said a little about MLC and she kinda laughed. People don't get it. It's like "cute" to them or something. I asked if she would call W and just check on her, that I am worried.
This is not how I envisioned our M ever being. Depressing.
After MC appt. on way to our (individual) cars, I asked W if she wanted to get lunch or anything. Nope. Back to work. See ya. I gave her an ILY she forced an ILY back.
Do I stop those again? Do I just act like this isn't eating me up? Stop saying the daily mantra of our marraige for 17 yr. ILY. I hate when that starts to hurt. When ILY makes the pit of your stomach ache with longing for "the way it used to be". Past is past. Freekin crap!
