First time here. Thanks for being here! Sich: me 45H her 37W S 7 Mar 12 y together 17 y
My W had been acting sort of angry and dissatisfied for a while. I didn't notice as much as I should maybe, we're both busy full time jobs etc. I also volunteer in my church orchestra and praise band, am active in a Masonic lodge, and rehearse music in another band once a week. So basically I GAL maybe too much. But it's always been that way for me and when I first met W I explained all this and was very up front. W just got a promotion and nice raise about 2 months ago, also started online courses for business degree thru work, but before that had kind of dropped out of most her activities, skips church a lot,no gym, no children's choir, less knitting, avoiding family (mine) get togethers etc.
But lately we had friends over 2 times in a few weeks (a little unusual for us) for dinner and all went well, other than the mad dash cleaning (my peeve! why not keep it to a dull roar all the time, then if someone visits we don't have to get into such a tizzy (some arguments and anger!) about cleaning house all the time... part of our troubles or at least a reason to argue, going back many many years) more on that later...
Next week is her 20 y High School reunion. And about 2 weeks ago she went to Atlantic City w/ Neighbors (H, W, S30, H's Mom). Prior to this I had started taking son more on weekends and evenings so she could do school work, etc.?
Then the bomb.
We never have fun. We never have sex. I need a new car (convertible!) Wants to refinance house to pay debt and BUY CAR!
She's lost 25? lbs. lately but I didn't notice (she had stomach surg 4 years ago lost 100+ lbs. She was over 300 lbs at one point so another 25 is not that noticable to me...?).
I sleep on the chair in front of TV instead of bed all the time. True. I snore. Son gets in bed in middle of night and squirms and steals sheets`
She got a navel piercing out of the blue, didn't tell me until I initiated "make up" sex, after all this, bought a couple of sex toys (for ladies...!) one large and one small, left the receipt in plain site, which I took as a hint!?.
Constantly on cell phone, or IM, or TXT MSG, or email to ??? OM (neighbor's S30 name comes up a lot!) I talked to her about it and they are "just friends, like a little brother", I talked to him Man2Man and asked nicely, point blank, if anything is going on, he denied it. Said when she talks about "stuff" he tries to change the subject. His Mom is our church friend and neighbor and W has emailed her about all this a little. I talked to her but she can only say I need to give W more attention...
W constantly hides cell phone, locks laptop computer in car, erases cookies and history in web browser etc. I asked and she claimed because she was looking at sex toys online and was embarrased. Doesn't explain the cell phone. She said the other day to expect big cell phone bill becuz of all the TXT MSG she has sent. I looked (can't see this month real bill yet) and there were like 80+ TXT MSG and 900 min talk, just since last bill. Our limit is 400 SHARED a month. Yeesh.
W started smoking again after being smoke free for 7+ yrs. I smoke cigars outside only, 3 or 4 a week (more lately!)
W last 2 paychecks seem at least 400 or 500 light. I saw an email from bank addressed to her email, not mine which is default on OUR accts, so I think she has started her own acct and is funneling money there.
Never had real secrets before this.
I found a note listing divorce things like: House split, retirement accts, child support, S out of state?, refinance house? etc. Asked about it and got very upset saying I feel like I'm getting dumped. She said therapist (hers) said she should make a pro and con list. I said this is a divorce list!
Week ago during R talk she said "I can't promise I'll never leave you" and then this week "I won't NOT get a divorce just for S's sake".
All this has really been an eye opener and I am trying to cope. I found this BB yesterday and Thank God you are here! I made appt w/ Mar. Counselor next week. 1 for me, 1 for her, before he sees us together. We'll see. She has already tried to get me to reschedule or let me take the 1st appt. ??
Anyway... I've got to go mow the grass. W on walk. She goes on walk, but just happens to stop at neighbor's and stays for hour+?? ALWAYS takes cell phone. (for protection...) Here' a note from cell phone provider right NOW: Last Call 08/19/06, 7:33 AM. She left here @ 7. AHHH!!
Not sure what to do to cope, know I need to detach and give space but how much? Also I need to protect $ because of son, bills, etc, etc. Hard not to snoop some at least.
Unfortunately, it sounds like classic MLC. My wife is full blown and it has rocked my world. You have come to the right place, as there are people here with lots of good advice. These boards will help you keep you sanity.
Here are a few suggestions:
1. Definitely GAL. Her world is messed up and you want to stay back as much as possible.
2. Protect your $. It is unbelievable how quickly they can go through money.
3. Focus on your son. The MLCer is so caught up in their own drama, they neglect everyone else.
Yesterday W went on walk (see earlier post) gone for 2 hrs. you know where.. om. Then had to work, called at 5 and said "oh I'm going to a music thing w/ neighbor." home after 12:00 midnight?? Me asleep. Get up this morning and the snoop bug takes over, I look in her purse and check cell calls.
Yes, she does have a number of the mlc "symptoms." Have you read the MLC Resources thread at the top of this forum? If not, I highly recommend it.
Please stop snooping and quizzing her. She is only going to interpret that as support for her "position."
If this is truly MLC, then it is time for you to look at you, at your own areas for improvement, and start in on them. You do seem to have quite the life outside home already. A 180 that jumped out at me immediately is to skip the lodge and clean the house (unasked) once in awhile! You probably think I'm kidding, but the onlooker sees all of the game, especially when the onlooker is female!
Meanwhile, patience and warm detachment (if you can handle it) are all I know to suggest. Don't argue, defend, or reason with her, her mind isn't doing rational right now. If it is truly MLC, we are talking years, not months, hence the need for enormous patience.
You gotta stop the snooping!! I know, I know it is so hard when they won't talk and we end up taking matters into our own hands.
The reason I had to stop snooping was because I only found things that hurt me and it would ruin all of the progress I was making.
There are a couple of other places to get support for MLC also. www.midlife.com and www.rejoiceministries.org. I am not sure as to your religious affiliation but many here have found their relationships with God get much deeper.
There is also a book called women in Mid Life Crisis that is pretty good.
As far as your wife goes, what if any are her childhood skeletons? What was her relationship like with her parents? Anything traumatic happen recently? Any deaths in the family?
You will find a lot of support here, so keep posting. You know your wife best and what will work with her and what won't. Basically alot of dealing with our MLC'ers is trial and error.
Have a blessed Sunday
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I agree that snooping is going to make it harder on you. I have had many sleepless nights after I discover new information. The positive is that if you document what you find, it may help you down the road. In my situation, I want more custody than the customary days given. I plan on using my wifes A to help me get that.
May work May not but at least she can't deny what she wrote.
Church was rough today... I had a hard time not crying. W actually came to early service w/our son. Then she left to go to work? again... Left S there in church for 2nd service with neighbors (parents of the probable OM! no less). Yeesh that was tough.
My son is showing a little strain too. He asked where Mom has been lately. I told him this morning that we had to pray extra hard for Mom, that her brain was sick, like not flu sick, and that it might take a while to get well. Probably a mistake, but I wanted him to know a little about why his Mom is never around any more.
He told her this am that "Daddy says you have a brain fever". DOWP! Shouldv'e known better. I really love him and am trying to let him know this might be hard. That we need to be a team. I feel like he's getting the short end of this stick.
W's childhood was not so good, and she has had therapy about it a couple of times. Her father abandoned them (W, brother 5 and MIL) at about age 7 or 8. There was also some sexual abuse from an uncle, but I never did get all the details. I don't think it was full blown rape, but not sure.
I have always assured her that I would never leave her. Now this. Even the other night during R talk, I said I wouldn't. Her response was that she couldn't say the same.. That hurt.
This was before the likely A and the condoms and panties in the purse discovery. I'm SO Not so sure now. I have been dumped hard several times in my past, and it has taken it's toll on my trust abilities. I KNOW what getting dumped feels like, and it is HARD man. But this is SO different. I mean we're MARRIED w/ child, house, the whole enchilada!!!!! Wow, I NEVER thought I'd be here again. DAMN! damn.
I never in my wildest dreams (nightmares!) imagined that W would do something like this. Never. I was talking with my friend about some of her behavior (not this last thing tho) and he couldn't beleive it. "Not her, she's not like THAT!"
Well... thanks again. I almost can't believe how "well" I'm taking this. I might be in shock still. This BB makes it a little better by being able to "talk" about it. This BB is surely a godsend.
Well we (Me and S) are going to my band practice in an hr or so. Good escape for both, he gets to play video games and scooters w/ drummers son, and I get to Rock Out for a while!
See ya. Pray for us, God knows BEST that we really need it... This is one of those times when you get your faith shaken and hopefully you come out stronger.
But I tell you what, the tunnel is looking a bit dark for the moment. Thanks.
Hold onto your hat, it's going to be a wild ride. These MLCers are in a world of their own. You have got to focus on what is going to be good for you and your child. Definitely protect your $$. My W did some damage before I got smart and started putting in some safeguards.
I was so wrapped up in the hurt of the R, I got blindsided with the financial problems.
Also, quit w/ the R talk and telling her ILY and will never leave. This shows weakness and it's like throwing gas on a fire.
W called MY parents and laid out that "we" were having trouble. Mainly she's PO'ed that my son said she had a Brain Fever and was afraid he might tell my parents on a visit or phone.
I asked what she told them and it is the same stuff, she wasn't happy for a while now, I have a bad temper and (2 times in the last 8 years!) slugged the door in anger. I tend to build up, explode and get over it. W is a grudge keeper...
I confronted her a little about $, but she had answers for some. I asked about $100 cash she took from ATM last night, "Oh I'm going to lunch later this week w/ friends, and the concert last night might have been expensive." I said $40 would've been plenty.
Also she said she told me all of this (bomb 1) 2 months ago, and I totally corrected her that it had been a little over 2 weeks. I also asked about her shortage on paychecks recent and she blamed it on no overtime, even offered to show me. Should I make her cough up paystubs?
Well gotta go. Late. Son is sick 102 temp. Stomach ache. Headache. He's 7. Finally asleep now.
out of the blue, didn't tell me until I initiated "make up" sex, after all this, bought a couple of sex toys (for ladies...!) one large and one small, left the receipt in plain site, which I took as a hint!?. 
Shouldv'e known better. I really love him and am trying to let him know this might be hard. That we need to be a team. I feel like he's getting the short end of this stick.