OMG....this is so true...almost every word rang true for me. Except my H has cycled through about 4 OW (2EA and 2PA) and possibly more EA's this year. He says that his current OW "does not make him happy and is nothing serious, like a drug fix." He is pretty much admitting that she is a pain reliever.
With OW #3, he did say "I was crazy about her, I am happy with her, we laugh and talk, unlike what you and I have now." OW #3 was TOTALLY the opposite of what anything H would have found remotely attractive earlier (and I'm not just saying this to make myself feel better)...later, after OW #3 veneer faded, he admitted that he got carried away, it could have been anyone, he was running away from me and M, rebelling against it. WOW. He admitted that he did not have "a connection" with her, and wasn't looking for his soul mate or something serious, just the feeling of being good in someone's eyes, being useful to someone.
Funny, the OW's he's been with all have had kids, and we do not. Yet, he seems to want to spend time with them WITHOUT their kids, no effort to get to know them on a more personal and serious level. This almost makes me feel that the MLCer likes to keep the "fantasy" veneer and level of the R there....not delving into something serious (like "let's dream of life together, let's introduce to families, let's make serious life plans together)....it's a quick fix, and nothing that they want to enter into remote REALITY.
For H...he sees OW #4 a few times a week, undercover, with lavish trips out of town (b/c in town they are seen)....and I think they spend other time together too (I have no idea)....that's it. She does not live with him, cook for him, clean for him, pay attention to the upkeep of his life, which is what he used to have issues with me about...his main complaint was that I did not care for him as I should have as a W. But, he chooses women that do none of that, and only take from him....that he takes care of and they worship him, need him. Then I get accused of being "needy" So, in essence, I am being held to the standard of a WIFE and they are being held to the standard of a fantasy GF. H admitted that he wasn't looking to substitute me, or find another W....just wanted an escape, feel good, quick fix of happiness...keep running to it and running away from me. He said he wasn't running TO anyone in particular, just AWAY from me...and to ANYONE (it's pretty apparent he's not into quality control with OWomen). So, I guess I would rather be painful reality than a fantasy escape anyday.
I think this is an important thing for all of us to realize....it's another twist on the fantasy. H even admitted that he PROJECTED (yes, he used that word) onto OW what he wanted at that time.....and that it wasn't her fault that the veneer wore off, just that she wasn't what he made her out to be in his mind. Not the type of person he wanted in his life (his words).
Funny how they "wake up" and see things clearly.
Cat...you are SO good to remember the HEALTHY nature of your falling in love as compared to the unhealthy, unstable "falling in love" that H had with OW. He sees that now. I know it's hard, but vent here, we understand. It hurts. It's OK to let it hurt. Think of it this way, life took you on different paths for a while, you each lived your lives...you needed that, it's the ultimate act of love, of LIVING, to release attachment to things and people and let them grow. Ultimately you are BOTH going to be healthier.
I know the details haunt you....but keep DBing....try to go ONE WEEK with just positive moments with you and H. No R talk. Just happy moments of a new life together. I promise, if you do that, H will TRUST YOU again....that you won't crucify him, that he is SAFE. Remember how we did that in the beginning of DB. Well, keep doing it. Eventually, you will both cool off and actually have productive talks about the A....he will open up to you about the how/why....and you will be able to understand it.
