All Hell broke loose, found out EA was PA

[cat03]

Thanks Mike, I'm still in a rollercoaster of emotions, this AM despite putting on "Alien Resurrection" at 5:30am to distract my mind from going crazy I still went nuts and got myself all worked up. Enough that I still wondered how long/often they messed around. I was so sick... then found old budget he'd made, w/a schedule of where he'd spend the night. As he told me, there were weeks where he slept on his car, on the shed behind the house (without me knowing) on a tent! at his mom's house.
I see the expenses he had, he was attempting to make a budget, it was way over his head, he knew he had all this expenses yet he continued to play casanova. Apparently he was OP's bus boy, she got a new place and he was doing some electrical connections (no, he doesnt' really know how) and getting stuff for her, renting stuff her, picking up stuff for her, ALL sorts of things, in an attempt to get her love.
Did I mention she never wanted to label each other as boy/girl friend? she didnt' want an R w/him yet he did all this work for her, his note said he wanted her love and respect. Yet, when he messed up he'd be appologyzing and feeling awful, writing how he kept letting him down and how she'd get on him. I guess he kept trying to please her to prove to himself that he could be the superman to a woman, then eventually she got tired of his issues and mistakes and told him to take a hike. That's when the light lite on his brain and realized I was not all to blame for our marital problems. Granted, I too could be a witch and get on him, but i see how much he is eager to please and it destroys him when he is critized, I am taking HUGE notice of that.

I feel much better now, I went from -7 to +10 this am, I will get some sort of kava coffee or some relaxant to quiet down my brain, my brain and heart are still working overtime.

I never got to talk to him about the flowers, he was busy on a report and we talked for a few seconds. I am MUCH calmer now, and that question can wait.
I have a cheat sheet from other posts and posts from you wonderful people which I read and re-read when I'm feeling low (read it 3x this am)

I found an old love letter from H to me, it felt so good reading it even though it is 9yrs old, the end specially gets to me, he says something like "if it is meant to be I know we can make it, God has a special purpose for me and you, may God be with us no matter what happens."

* Was he screwing around and liking it? yes, trying to fill a void
* Did he think she was the most beautiful wonderful being on heart? yes, he idolized her once he open up to her and she conforted him, he made himself love every thing about this new "savior" so that she was without a fault.
* Did he or still has a hard time letting go? probably, he invested on her big time emotionally that he convinced himself they could have something special.
* Had she responded and corroborated would he be with me now? not likely, but eventually, once the lust and novelty wore off he'd realize what he'd done.

He made each time with her sound like it was heaven , the best of the best because that's all he had at the time, he still had a sucky job, there were weeks when he couldnt' sleep, when depression and anxiety would tear him up (that's when he used me as his emotional blanket and come to me for confort) so he put all his eggs in one basket.

I have to make my brain stop going through the details, all in all, my dear HH reminds me, leaving me was the biggest blow and I survived, I can survive this. Even as I thought at the time he had sx with someone I wanted him back. I can forgive and can forget, but have to work hard at showing him I feel this way, that because I love him I will forgive and overlook the little faults that I used to pick on so much.