First, let me empathize with your situation – my WAW had a very intense PA that lasted several months. The sense of betrayal is overwhelming. I too was a snooper. I’m “reformed” now – you’re right – WAAAAAYYYY more good than bad comes from it. Interestingly, now looking back, a PA is all it really seemed to be which in some ways hurt that much more. She used me as her “emotional” blanket – many days it felt like she was keeping me just close enough….
The DAY after she asked me to move home and that we would give it another shot, the OM called several times. And I know she talked to him for a couple weeks after, seemingly trying to keep “both things going”. She has yet to fully “apologize”, but in the end, I don’t need that validation. I’m validated in smaller ways, every day – mostly because I STOPPED seeking it. When I started living my life for me (a DB/DR tenet), WAW started to notice, other’s noticed, and I regained control. It was a “wake-up” call for both of us on what is important in life.
Sooooo, it ain’t easy and like one other poster said, piecing is where the real work begins. But I will tell you now that I am here, I don’t regret it. In fact, I have found that working toward our happiness together has and will be extremely rewarding. BUT, it takes a FUTURE FOCUS. Forward looking goals and a sense that looking back only brings hurt. This needs to become your frame. We say ILY again when ending conversations or when leaving the house. We’re physical and fun loving. We have a long way to go, but we would seem to be on the right path. Patience and time will heal the wounds.
Lastly, some “martian” advice. And if you haven’t read Mars/Venus, I suggest that you do. After I read that, I found what it says about us guys to be completely true. When nagged, criticized, or spoken down to, we shut down. We go off to our cave and I don’t think that is good for your situation. Men seek significance. Nagging can make some of us feel unimportant or that we are wrong. Take time to listen and understand. It’s tough stuff, no doubt, but it will yield results, but you have to let it.
Hope that helps in some way….
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
