All Hell broke loose, found out EA was PA

[cat03]

I'm just recuperating, I was a basket case and no internet yesterday.
The jist of it is that after I found out about the flowers I went to his locked room (where we agree I wouldnt' go anymore) and found a huge box full of pictures and letters, it was too much, after a few I read (all written from H to OP) I found out that H had lied to me after he came back, he admitted he did it not to cause me grief & because he'd thought I'd leave him:
1.His affair lasted months, not a few weeks
2. He did have feelings for her
3. They were intimate pretty much right after he left our home
4. He stayed the night for a long time
5. When he took me on 2 dates he also took her out on much expensive places, took her to the very same place we went on V-day, showed her off to all.
6. Spent hundres more than I ever though on concerts, outings, etc.
7. Had spent time w/her helping her out at home w/her animals

I dragged the evidence to my bedroom (yes yes, Idid WRONG, I should've walk away, I should've call someone, I was weak and couldn't help but look inside, he said he kept stuff because he still had to get around to get rid of it and because if ever he wanted to do anything stupid he'd have those reminders)

I called him furious, he came home, before I could push the note in which they said they were intimate on his face he quickly started gatherign everything while I yelled, I slapped him w/both hands, I was gone.

Long story short, I kept trying to tied loose ends, to ask more questions. He said a few things but kept telling me he wasn't going to tell me anymore and that he hasn't contacted her at all, that she hates him and that it was an on and off R (btw, she was a sick person in the head, on his letters he mentioned how she needed medication or she'd ge "grumpy")
And I can recall how sometimes he'd spend time w/us & when he was distant (the on and off part, she did tell him to give her space several times, that she didnt' want the term "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" between them, ever, he'd always signed "your friend" after all his letters)

Yes, i guess he needed time to get her out of his head, found a 1pg journal where there were postings after he came home about how selfish she was being, (2wks after he was home)like a dummy, I still wish I would've checked the dates more carefully to see how he was feeling on those first weeks w/me)

Boy, I have given advice to so many people about getting over OP and to not snoop, and look at me now! I was much better believing it was an EA of a few weeks than this.

Anyways, I'm seeing the C tomorrow and he will see him too soon, he said he was afraid I'd try to get more info out of him and that he'd feel like he was in the inquisition if we went together.

I'm taking my friend's advice and reciting a memory verse whenever i think of the details and about them two together, I know he had sh*t on his brains when he was w/her and when he did all that stuff. When he was dating me he was always happy, he fell head over heels for me, he seeked me out not out of desperation but because he choose me and loved me, and that he was my first and I was his first too, I'm trying to recall about all great stuff we had together.

He still tells me he has issues & that's why he isn't affectionate w/me & doesn't do much on weekends (he took her to great places and planed whole menues & great things for her, he never does a thing w/us)

Back to square one, I also told him that I wasn't going to initiate sx anymore, that if he really didnt' feel any affection for me I didnt' want pity sex, & that he should initiate when he feels it from his heart, he said "oh yea, that's really going to help".
I don't know how long this will last, but I wont greet him w/ a hug like I used to, I won't kiss him goodnight unless he does, maybe I'm doing wrong, I don't know, maybe I just need to cool down.

*SIGH* Thank you Lord for giving me peace, it's riled me up to recall all this, but for the most part I feel ok. That night before he left we did talk quietly, I cried,he hugged me, told me how he still has much anger about himself in him and how he is struggling to be that good person he was before.