why the denial????

[MuddleThrough]

I think the loss of attraction thing is something that generally has to do with one's feeling about themselves. I think early on in a relationship, you like the way you feel and attribute it to the other person, and you associate all of your good feelings for yourself with particular personal attributes the other person has. The idea is that these attributes inspire the feelings within you. I don't think it really works this way, although there's a good deal of the chemistry of interactions that have a lot to do with how one feels about themselves. So, once the relationship moves out of stage 1, the ego boost and the chemical high the person is on is gone. The feelings that were once associated with traits don't exist, or aren't sustained for very long anymore. It is up to each person to maintain their good feelings in general (happiness) and if they can't because of depression or low selfesteem, they are likely to start associating the personal traits of their partner with the negative feelings they now maintain about their life and selves. So, in some senses, if you both maintain a stimulating life and also a happy outlook on that life and your selves, the ability to remain attracted comes naturally. Once one gives up this outlook and allows their life to become something they aren't happy with (or allows themselves to become unhappy about what their life has become) I think it takes a great deal of personal introspection and honesty to be able to recognize that the lack of attraction stems to the other stems from a lack of good feeling for one's self. Once corrections are made regarding the causes of the unhappiness, and the happiness itself, I think attraction will return, or it will be realized that it never left at all.

This is the general problem with relationships: there is so much of one's personal state of being that's attributed to the other person, as if there's some power they hold over you. The mirror effect causes you to see your unhappiness and faults as the fault of the other. It's the idea that if you don't feel love, it's because you're not giving enough. If you're no longer attracted to the other person, it's quite possibly due to you realizing that you are not as attractive as you would like to be and your spouse knows you as the real you - not the way they did when you were in the stage 1 relationship. You can't really be attracted unless you are attractive yourself - in a way you genuinely believe, not just the superficial. You can't love another unless you love yourself.