Thanks guys I do appreciate the advice. I do realize I am looking forward in all of this and as sad as it feels my need for my W weakens every day. I still love her to death but I can't live my life on hold waiting for her to get back on the line. Everything I have been told on here from all the vets is whatever you do don't make it seem like you are just waiting for her or trying to get her back. Don't show her anything that would make her feel you are holding on. I felt that showing her I was moving on and having fun doing it was the way to get her to see she still needs and loves me. That way if it really is over then I am at a point where I can move on with confidence and self respect. i know the condom thing was foolish act but it wasn't the end. Seemed to be far from it. If I am doing something wrong the what do I do now? How long do I wait for her to come around? When do I try to get my W back on my terms instead of waiting? I don't know about holding on to the marriage because I don't know the whole sitch on her end. I can tell you that with all the evidence I have about it she has met someone else and got into a EA. I can't say for sure. I can't say that she hasn't felt like this for years like she claims. And no one can say what happens next. Right now I am focusing on me. Sure my W is still a HUGE part of my life and always on my mind. She has been a HUGE part of me for eleven years. I know there is no erasing that. I know there is no replacing that. i don't need to. I do need to worry about other things though. Even if this marriage ends life goes on and I have seen that now. If she called me today or tomorrow or whenever and said lets try again at this moment I would say yes. If she asked me that months or years from now who knows. I am just doing what I feel is right for me and dangit I had fun. I never asked to be in this sitch but i will make the best of it ok
Have fun, guy. Lots of it! I know what it's like to look at all those years and wonder "what the hell happened". It ain't pretty. You can't control what your W does, only what you do. It's such a hard lesson to learn for all of us here. Why can't we fix it!!! Damn, it's frustrating. Fair? No friggin way but that's what we got and nothing will change it. So my advice here is: just don't flirt with her best friend, OK, otherwise have a field day
Ok so this week has changed everything for me. i think. On Monday i went to the W's place and payed the rent. I got a release form to take my name off the lease. When I was at the appartment we talked and I asked her to tell me honestly why she is doing this. She said its because she does not love me anymore. I said i could believe that if it wasnt for a cell phone bill with 1400 minutes on it. 42 of them I used. One number coming up the most. She said he was just someone she could talk to. still denying it after 4 months. So I gave her the release form to sign. She read it and said "Well then I will just have to file for a divorce then." I did a WTF. I said well there was no indication of you doing anything different. She said there wasn't but now my mind is made up. So I left after she signed it. Of course her reaction to the paper was unsettleing so i called her later that night and we talked some more. She spoke of how she had confidence and knew she was a sexy girl. She said she felt her soul mate was out there somewhere and so was mine. I said I know. Somehow the conversation got into how I needed to go meet and have sex with some other girl and then i would get over her. I asked if she knew this from experience. She said no. Well it got to a very pleasant conversation and we finnished it with the set amount of money i would pay her per month. Fine and dandy. On Thursday she called me in the morning saying our boy was sick and she needed me to watch him so she could go to some appointments. I said fine and when the car appointment required brakes and the bill was 500 she called asking me for more money. What a pattern. I said i would pay half and deduct it from the monthly amount. What a pattern. I pciked the boys up last night and was looking for a special good luck sharm that I had fall off of a necklace. I had put it in the top drawer of my dresser and when i opened the drawer to get it there was a new box of condoms. I didnt say anything but she knew i had seen them. Last night was the first time I got really mad. I didnt blow up. I just got the boys and left. I am done. I dont have the fight anymore but she wants to talk tonight so we shall see how this goes. If nothing changes then Monday will change her life and mine. Wish me luck and God Bless
Well.... last nights conversation was a hard one. But it was a good one. I think we really got somewhere. Where this is though is still hard to say. She has agreed to give me another chance. I don't know for how long or if its a one night thing but she at least said yes. I got to the bottom of the whole reason she has left. She has equated the feeling of physical sexual attraction as the gauge for how much you love someone. She feels that if there isn't that oh my god sex every time it can't be true love and we can't be meant for each other. I understand that it has had a lot to do with my attitude towards the relationship and I have changed my priorities (FOR SURE!!! ). I am it seems at the final table with the last hand and all my chips are in. i dont know if she has the winning hand if I do or she is bluffing. I am going into this with hope and I know that there will either be new beginnings with her or without her. This will open doors and show me paths. We shall see which ones. If you have prayers include me in them for i have prayed for all of you and seem to need that miracle if I can get it. Lets just say I don't know about this one. WHEW anticipation is an unbelievable feeling when paired with fear. God Bless
Ok, but things shouldn't change radically now. If they do, then it's obvious that it's all for her/the sitch. Keep changing for YOU.
This is NOT the final table, it's just one where she's dealt the hand and the dealer ALWAYS has the advantage...UNLESS you are cheating and DB is a GREAT way to cheat when playing marriage "cards".
Quote: She has equated the feeling of physical sexual attraction as the gauge for how much you love someone. She feels that if there isn't that oh my god sex every time it can't be true love and we can't be meant for each other.
I'm almost afraid to post once again that someone should read Passionate Marriage, trust me, I am not getting a kick-back from the author or anything. Hell, I haven't even read it all, but if there are sexual issues involved in why your marriage broke down, it's WELL worth the investment to see what this book has to offer you.
In terms of what she said about sex=love, that should give you a BIG clue to what she finds lacking. Turns out that the same thing was lacking in my M too. Knock me over with a feather when I found that out because I thought my W didn't really care for sex. No, she DOES care, she just wants it to be filled with passion, excitement, etc. She wants to feel like I'm MLing to HER, not just MLing because I want to get off. She wants to know I want to f--k HER, not just a woman.
I never got that at all. I was afraid to take risks in terms of trying different things, initiating (fear of rejection) and all along, she started to just get bored. It wasn't that she didn't like sex, she just didn't like what it became in our marriage over time, especially after the boys were born.
Learn more about this if you can and then maybe try to act on it.
Quote: WHEW anticipation is an unbelievable feeling when paired with fear.
Great quote. You're right. Just take it easy and one day at a time. No BIG changes. Don't get too excited. Just "be" and show her that you can be normal. Show her what she will get if she stays at this table. Show her that it's not a gamble at all and at the end of the night, throw her up on the table and show her how exciting it will be!
You are right, GH. DBing doesn't stop in the bedroom! It is important to realize that women want the romance, they want to feel pursued. They want to feel that they are "special" and not just the object for male satisfaction. I know I always thought my married love life was pretty darn good but what was it? Same old, same old! When same old wasn't working anymore, what did I do? More same old, same old. So, yes Benwa, keep DBing in the bedroom. The old sexual flame doesn't have to burn out. Good luck with everything, I'm happy for you. Keep us posted.
Ok I have got down to the heart of the matter. I am at a loss. My W has finaly told me that the largest part in all of this is she doesn't feel any attraction to me sexually or physically. She puts that in such a high status that she has decided to divorce me and be alone and live on her own instead of try to work at getting the passion back. Last night was really hard. It has never been like it was last night in all the years we were together. The act was so onesided and cold I felt there was no pleasure for me. It hurt so bad. I tried to take it slow and be romantic and not just act like an animal. I tried to get her to see that it was having sex with her I wanted not just sex. We talked about a lot of stuff though and it has been more conversation about the real sitch than i have had for 4 months. I wish we could go to a therapist now that she isn't hiding anything. I would bet the session would be better than our only other one. I don't know what has happened to make her shut down the feelings she tried to have for me all the time she said she was unhappy. I never felt she didn't like the sex we had. I felt she liked more some time but never hated it. Last night she hated it. Today she told me that she is going to focus on her career and her kids and that I don't fit into her life right now. I tried to tell her that all the things she wants could be had with me better than without me. She wants independence and i said she has always been independent with me. Now she wants to be independent of me. The way it happened had led me to believe there was another man. She is adamant that he is just a friend and someone who had been the devils advocate in all she has done. I still feel she has wanted more but has held back. I am not going to stop this fight and work hard at getting myself into a physical shape that any woman would want. I am going to better myself and focus on the life I have. She knows how i feel and knows I will feel like this forever. My passion for my wife drives me to be the man I can be. If that doesn't change anything with her so be it. It will change me forever. Clarity of purpose is what I have looked for in all my life. I have thought it should come from a career with purpose and meaning. My life's passion is life. I am going to live like there's no tommorow. I am not going to stop showing my W the passion I have for her even if it means moving on. Right now though we can talk and I can find my time with her even if its not the time I want. I just don't know why she is forsaking the children. She knows that the boys will never be the same and cried to me that they would never forgive her. My thoughts are there are some choices that once made will be irreversable. i can forgive but children without understanding of this gray life will not be so accepting. So to sum it all up. I love my wife. I will always love her. I love myself and know what I need. I love my boys and will do whats right for them always. I love all of you who are my brothers and sisters in this fight for marriage the dying institution of America. God Bless and Be champions.
In this crazy ordeal every time I think the sitch has slipped, I seem to gain some ground. Every time I say to myself its time to move on we have a conversation that gives me hope. My W knows that I am not giving up and i think that has got to her a little bit. She has told me she loves me again. A week ago it was the opposite and she didn't love me and could never love me again. Now its back to the I love you but not in love. AMAZING!!! It is a huge change in my eyes. I told her tonight that I am not giving up and I will fight for us. She said she knew that and that I was fighting harder than she could believe. The conversations we are having are really going somewhere. Now I'm not going to say to myself that it changes anything but I now have the confidence I need with her. Instead of anticipation and fear it is now a confident "She will be mine. Oh yes she will be mine" and she knows that I am feeling this way. I tell you that getting to that place where you can say it WILL be this way is what Dbing is for me. WOW Never say never!!! I feel like running five hundred miles!!! I am becoming a champion!!! God Bless!!!
Watch the swings. You've been here before. Change for you. Don't stop changing for you EVER. Don't put ANY stock in what she says, positive or negative in terms of what YOU do. IF she tells you tomorrow she hates you, just roll with it. If she tells you the next day she loves you, just roll with it. DO NOT BUY INTO IT.
I am not saying to ignore something as "feel good" or positive as an ILY but you need to stay focused on the task at hand, and that is making those changes you talked about two posts ago. Her loving you has nothing to do with that.
She doesn't know WHAT she thinks right now. Her feelings are changing by the moment and some of those feelings leak out in the form of these declarations she's making.
Take all the info you can get (BTW, the sexual issues are VERY good to know about) and file it away to use once you get yourself on track.
This is called a roller coaster for a reason. It's because it's filled with downs AND ups and they are equally forceful in changing our sitches for the good and bad.
Strike a balance. Get in shape. Become that passionate man who loves life and your W's love, her TRUE, LASTING love will follow.
Benwa, be very careful here. I know what it is like to hear and see things that give you hope. They get yanked away from you just as quickly! Don't let her words drive your emotion (I just wish I could practise what I preach ) Your W may not feel attracted to you not because of physical appearance but other stuff that made your M unsatisfying to her. Look at those things, and work on them. Sure, get yourself into shape but for you (if it gets you laid, bonus!). Look at stuff that was not happening and change it, I'm sure her desires will change when she senses a change in the M. Make that your focus. You are a determined man, Benwa and that will get you where you want to go. Heed GH's words above mine. He's right on.
). I am it seems at the final table with the last hand and all my chips are in. i dont know if she has the winning hand if I do or she is bluffing. I am going into this with hope and I know that there will either be new beginnings with her or without her. This will open doors and show me paths. We shall see which ones. If you have prayers include me in them for i have prayed for all of you and seem to need that miracle if I can get it. Lets just say I don't know about this one. WHEW anticipation is an unbelievable feeling when paired with fear. God Bless