Ok I have got down to the heart of the matter. I am at a loss. My W has finaly told me that the largest part in all of this is she doesn't feel any attraction to me sexually or physically. She puts that in such a high status that she has decided to divorce me and be alone and live on her own instead of try to work at getting the passion back. Last night was really hard. It has never been like it was last night in all the years we were together. The act was so onesided and cold I felt there was no pleasure for me. It hurt so bad. I tried to take it slow and be romantic and not just act like an animal. I tried to get her to see that it was having sex with her I wanted not just sex. We talked about a lot of stuff though and it has been more conversation about the real sitch than i have had for 4 months. I wish we could go to a therapist now that she isn't hiding anything. I would bet the session would be better than our only other one. I don't know what has happened to make her shut down the feelings she tried to have for me all the time she said she was unhappy. I never felt she didn't like the sex we had. I felt she liked more some time but never hated it. Last night she hated it. Today she told me that she is going to focus on her career and her kids and that I don't fit into her life right now. I tried to tell her that all the things she wants could be had with me better than without me. She wants independence and i said she has always been independent with me. Now she wants to be independent of me. The way it happened had led me to believe there was another man. She is adamant that he is just a friend and someone who had been the devils advocate in all she has done. I still feel she has wanted more but has held back. I am not going to stop this fight and work hard at getting myself into a physical shape that any woman would want. I am going to better myself and focus on the life I have. She knows how i feel and knows I will feel like this forever. My passion for my wife drives me to be the man I can be. If that doesn't change anything with her so be it. It will change me forever. Clarity of purpose is what I have looked for in all my life. I have thought it should come from a career with purpose and meaning. My life's passion is life. I am going to live like there's no tommorow. I am not going to stop showing my W the passion I have for her even if it means moving on. Right now though we can talk and I can find my time with her even if its not the time I want. I just don't know why she is forsaking the children. She knows that the boys will never be the same and cried to me that they would never forgive her. My thoughts are there are some choices that once made will be irreversable. i can forgive but children without understanding of this gray life will not be so accepting. So to sum it all up. I love my wife. I will always love her. I love myself and know what I need. I love my boys and will do whats right for them always. I love all of you who are my brothers and sisters in this fight for marriage the dying institution of America. God Bless and Be champions.
