You're showing some courage and determination in the words you've penned. It sounds like you've decided to decide that you don't need all of the gargage you've been served up as first-class meals in the last few years!
It was very perceptive the way you penned your lines about moving on, and the solid motivation for doing so.
You're realizing that you can't control the other person, but that you can certainly control what you choose to do. It's true too that there's a huge difference between innocently/ignorantly making mistakes and deliberately going out and breaking and trashing marriage vows about fidelity--they truly are different types of acts.
Hang in there and stay steadfast to the enlightening principles you're currently espousing, and if your spouse ever sees what she's losing, maybe she'll espouse those new principles with you as well.
Free, thanks for the vote of confidence. I have gone through the rollercoaster ride and while its is at the point where the drops aren't as extreme I'm still on. Do you ever feel like the decisions you make are like having to cut off your right hand to make sure you lose your left? I know I am a better man. I know that the swift waters of life carry me on. I know that the love I have for my wife saddens me every day we are apart. I know that I have the right to be angry, bitter, hurt. I know that I have nothing but sadness and hope and love. I have read a bit of your sitch and I can say that there is something to be said about perserverance. A good realization about relationships that I have had is the fact that it takes two to be right and two to be wrong, but the scales don't ever balance. I feel that the arm on your scale has a lot of swing. I think mine does too. I can say that my sitch is going my way and there are things to be said about positive thinking. I bet if you said to yourself my path is clear, my life is going on, my eyes will open tomorrow and it will be a good day, things would look up. Of course I could be 100% wrong. But don't tell me that because I am going to believe myself tomorrow. and the next day and week and month and year and on. I am going to pay the bills for my W even though I know she has more money than she lets on. The other day she called me about a message I left on her phone. When it was time to say goodbye I said have a good day. She stuttered and said it back to me. then silence. So I said goodbye. She called me later that day. She asked me about my younger boy and if he had complained of a stomach ache. I said yes when he didnt want to do something like finish reading a book. She really laughed. She then said I HAD to pay rent. I told her that he had agreed to half and I payed it all last month. She said she couldn't pay it. I told her I would. I then said have a nice night. She said you too. I haven't told a soul that I know here about my paying for the rent. They think I am a fool for letting her do this to me. I think she is the fool for not wanting me. I have felt it is the right thing to do whether it feel dumb or not. Why riun my life to teach a lesson. I know she will learn it eventualy. I have a feeling that this will go on as long as i let it though and having the control suits me fine. The romantic month ot February will be the time when I file. Or we shall see. There is a lot of time between now and then. God Bless and be champions.
Ok well its been a while since I have been on here and I have focused on taking care of myself. I had resigned to let it all go the way it goes and still am. I just had a call from the W who just had to tell me about a late fee on the rent payment that she received. She was laughing about it and saying she couldn't believe they had the nerve to give US a late charge. Yes she spoke in the us form. No you, no I, us. I just let her talk. I laughed and said the uh huhs and oh yeahs and no really. All of a sudden she opened up to me. She told me about her day. She told me about her plans this weekend. It was out of the blue. She talked and talked. I listened. I am going to see what happens with this. Anyone please offer me advice as to what to do now. I am going to play it cool and change nothing on my end. God Bless and be champions.
Benwa, maybe you could call her and tell her how much you enjoyed talking and would love to grab a coffee or a bite to eat with her sometime and catch up more on her life. Something real simple, without pressure and see what she says. You could wait till next time she calls and that would seem less pursuit like but maybe it's worth a shot. Keeping the connection going in a non-pressured manner can only help. If she doesn't want to get together, she'll tell you directly or indirectly ("can't, I"m way to busy"). You won't be left in the dark to wonder like you are now. Just my 2 cents.
Thanks. I think i might someday. I went to a party this weekend and her best friend was there. She is the daycare provider for my children. At first I was bummed because I had someone there to report back to my W. Then I realized it was PERFECT. I want to be reported. Let's get some jealousy going. So I was the life of the party! I had a blast mingling with everyone dancing with girls, drinking with the guys. I also put the flirting on heavy with my W's friend. We always have a good time and she is into me so my W said before we split. I have to agree she was into it and I think the guys and girls were jealous of us. It was a blast. Now don't get me wrong. i didn't try to score with her. I just wanted her to feel like the hottest girl there and that I was the coolest guy there. I think it worked. If not I still had a fun time!
Ben, just a word of caution. The jealousy thing doesn't often play out the way you think it will and in the end, why do you want to do something that you condemn her for doing?
To me, it sends the wrong message. Being the life of the party is one thing but doing things that would make the party "jealous" of you and a woman who is not your W, or make her feel like the "hottest girl there" seems like taking it too far. You can let W know you are ok and perfectly able to be on your own without giving her the impression you are "on the prowl" for someone else, especially her friend. It seems a bit on the revenge side and actually, how much of a friend does that make this woman to either of you to go along with this?
The best case scenario, albeit an unlikely one, is that W gets jealous and runs back to you before you go with woman X for good. That SEEMS like the reaction she'd have but in my almost year here, I have yet to see that happen after all the posts from men/women who've tried that tatic. The more likely scenario, or something like it, is that she calls you on this behavior and you are then forced to just let it be or defend yourself, telling her it was "nothing" or worse yet, that you were trying to make her jealous.
I just think in our cases, in sitches like ours, it's best to lead by example, not follow them into behavior we so clearly don't agree with.
After all that, don't sweat it, just think about it and decide if this is really what you want.
GH is right on! Leave your "buddies" W alone. Get your manhood needs stroked elsewhere. You're playing with fire, man. Think a little here! I see a history of you making some pretty out there choices sometimes in your sitch. Review and correct your thoughts and actions. This kind of stuff can get you in deep doo doo!
OK I dont think it was a way out there choice. I did it to have fun and I did. I had no intentions what so ever of doing anything more than partying. What is the whole GAL and LRT about except to have you S see that you are the person they want to be with. My W loves the life of the party. Hell thats who I used to be. Then the stresses of life got in the way. I let it all go this weekend. If my path leads me back to my W or to something else I will be like this from now on. I didn't flirt in any bar pickup kind of way. I just gave her the most attention and listened to her and complimented her. What I didn't do is say you are so hot or man if only thins were different. I also mingled with everyone else. I met new people. i din't just hover around her trying to score or stroke my manhood needs. and whatisis I only F'd up once. Everything else i have dropped. And the girl was my W's friend not my buddy's. Not married either.
Ok, I won't beat this to death but I will give it one more round. After reading your last post, I still come away thinking you did something that you would hold against your W if the shoe were on the other foot. GAL is NOT about flirting or trying to get the attention of, nor paying attention to another woman. Quite the opposite, it's about proving to you AND her that you can be a whole man without her or any other woman supporting you OR you supporting her.
Sure, she may have married you because of that "life of the party" guy you were, but you are on the path to divorce because of the actions she took that were probably born out a misplaced need to recapture the intense feelings she once had for you, similar feelings I bet you get from flirting with this other woman. How about both of you being the life of your marriage instead of a party?
I look at GAL as learning to have a life, THE SAME LIFE you would have even if she were happily at home. THE SAME LIFE, or kind of life you want for her, filled with fun, friends and hobbies. That does not include being intimate with other women/men, which from your initial description you were, at least enough to get the attention of the rest of the party (and no, I am not implying you were physical in any way...you know what I mean).
You can be the life of the party without doing what you KNOW you did with this woman. You gave her the kind of attention I bet you used to reserve for your W, and that you expect her to reserve for you.
Quote: If my path leads me back to my W or to something else I will be like this from now on. I didn't flirt in any bar pickup kind of way. I just gave her the most attention and listened to her and complimented her. What I didn't do is say you are so hot or man if only thins were different. I also mingled with everyone else. I met new people. i din't just hover around her trying to score or stroke my manhood needs. and whatisis I only F'd up once. Everything else i have dropped. And the girl was my W's friend not my buddy's. Not married either.
Ok, and in this paragraph we have a clue to what's up here. You are becoming less concerned with saving your marriage, and you know what, that's ok. That's up to you but realize that the advice we give you here is all about you first, but ultimately, it's about saving your marriage. Sure, we may say don't do that, but that's because we know it won't really help achieve your greater goal. IF your goal has changed or your commitment is not that great, then so be it.
We just want you to be happy so take what advice you are given do with it what you may.
GH
P.S. BTW, it was not a way out there choice. It was a very common choice for a LBS to make, just one that many of us have either tried, or seen others try to no avail.
Sorry, may have misread that a little. Sounded like you were hitting on your buddies W! Good you weren't. But, showing you were having a great time is darn good. Just be careful, you don't want your W's GF to pass on inaccurate info here to W. Very dicey there. The other choice I was referring to was the condom incident, hard to get that one out of my head! Glad you are feeling good enough to actually go out and have a great time, that's real progress. Just be careful about it. As always, just my 2 cents, do as you please
