well my W called me last week and left me a message that she needs money for the car payment and rent because she can't pay them. I don't know what to do with this because she went to the football game, probably went out, my son said she went shopping for clothes. Last month I paid the rent so she could go to Kansas City. I want to leave her high and dry on this one because it hurts that my money is good enough but my love is not. the problem is both the car and rent are in my name. I do know it takes 30 days for the car payment to be reported. any suggestions on the direction i should take this?
This is a tough one and where I struggle as well. My H also tells me he doesnt' have his 1/2 of our joint bills, but I find out that he can afford to go to concerts and other things that cost money. It's just that their prioritys aren't with us or anything to do with their "past" lives. We of course can think rationally and know that if that particular bill isn't paid then our credit will be affected.
I'm not sure what to tell you b/c my H & I are behind on several joint bills b/c he hasn't had his 1/2 and I don't have the money to pay the entire bill myself. Can anyone else give us both some advice on how to handle this type of situation?
I guess if you can afford to pay the bill in full , pay it and then keep all your receipts so you can be reinbursed in the future when or if you get something down legally on paper. In my case H won't agree to paying 1/2 of our stuff so at this point we have nothing legal. He says that I won't get 1/2 until we get something legal, but he won't agree to what is rightfully his responsibility too so are joint bills aren't being paid! It sucks I wish I could afford to pay them by myself, but why should I and in your case why should you??
I just got stuck with paying for our d7' s birthday party by myself. H offered the week before to split the cost with me and then when the time came he didn't offer me any money so I asked him for it the next day. He said he didn't have it and that he wasn't going to give it to me.
( This was her family party - his family I might add )
Last edited by keepingthefaithbb7; 09/24/0602:18 PM.
I have chosen to ignore the messages for now. I am unsure what to do with my sitch though. I feel like its not going anywhere. She wants a divorce but shes not filing anything or moving forward with it. I am concerned that if I give the money she will just go on like this until I stop. So no money for now and hopefully she can see how silly this whole thing is. Silly was the mildest word I could find. I have an idea a good friend suggested but I wanted to hear the DBers opinion. I was thinking about sending her a flower each day with a bit of poem I found and do this for a week at her work. The new job is a huge reason she left me and the "friends" she has there can't think too highly of me. I was hoping a romantic gesture would get them all to soften up and maybe get her OM to slip up. What should I do?
Hey Benwa. Haven't seen you for awhile. Don't have advice on the finance part. I'm fortunate we both have good paying jobs and my H hasn't made any changes to our joint accounts. Since he moved out, he's been footing his own stuff for the most part.
In regards to your other question about the romancing your W? I personally think you shouldn't. Don't go there. Remember you want her to pursue you not the other way around. It's a nice gesture but I think that will be a backslide. Her part on not pursuing the D is a good sign. Let it be at that for now. Continue with your 180's and your detaching/going dark. Remember time.....it can be your best buddy or your worst enemy.
Hi Benwa, Willmakeitthru is right. Don't make the romantic gestures, she is not going to rush back into your arms over a flower a day. In fact, it will probably irritate the hell out of her, reminding her of her guilt etc. That's no formula for success. Just stick to your present plan. It's amazing how we become such romantic animals when it's too late! Include me, in that count. The thought of losing someone you love so dearly brings all that out in us. I remember writing my wife poems early after the bomb. My feelings just oozed out of me and went down on the paper. I could actually write poems, some quite beautiful! I wanted to share my excitement and joy at my new discovery with the object of my desires. Her response was zippo!! Not a word, just stuck em in a binder. I stopped. I still write, but for me. You be for you right now.
Ok its just the feeling of life slipping by and the W I knew going away. Her friend that I thought would be a champion for marriage talked to her and now says thats all she can do. I just don't understand why everyone thinks that her path is so right when all the things she has said to me show that this thing is sudden. Why can't anyone else see that? All of her friends tell me it was so very sudden, even the ones she said knew for months. Where are the friends with the backbones. Why would they say oh this other guy is so good for you. Sure he will treat you better than he treated his own wife. Oh and hes soo much nicer than the H you have and I am sure the kids will get over it. I swear that from now on my view on marriage will be set in stone and anyone who asks my opinion will get the truth. Well I have found another book to recommend. Its called: Keep Going: The Art of Perserverance. So far a good message and one for us all. Without the sorrow how would we know joy. Without the dark how would we cherish the light. Life goes on so they say. I pray my life goes on with my wife. And I pray for all of you too. God Bless and be a champion.
I know, it all seems like a bad dream but you don't wake up. Her friends will often tell her what she wants to hear. They want to support her and maintain their friendship, the easiest way is to agree with her choices. So don't count on others to lead the battle here, it won't happen (as you now know). It is so sad to watch your M die especially when you believe so deep down in your heart that it can continue, and in fact, thrive! Again, stick to your plan and be the best you that you can be. You can't lose doing that. Either way you come up a winner. You either regain your M or you're just one hell of a better person (and a better catch for the next lucky lady). Stay strong, Benwa. Time really does heal all.
ARRGH the stupid money thing is killing me!!!! If I pay it I feel I am being used and empowering her. If I don't pay its my credit thats shot. I guess I would rather pay it than ruin the rest of my life but she makes it seem like I owe it to her. I don't owe her anything. I owe my kids something. Man that stuff just kills me. Everyone thinks I'm a fool around here. Oh well fools are happy folk right? I only pray she sees the things I do as something to miss. Something to love again. Oh and Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus should be high school ciriculum and a college degree!
Man, I'm so sorry you're getting all that bad news! It really stinks.
I agree that others will take the easy way and tell your W what she wants to hear. There's far too much of that around now--friends that think they're true friends because they tell the other person what they want to hear.
In reality, the reverse of course is true--a true friend will tell you the truth, whether it's easy to hear or not.
I think my wife has the ability to convince all her friends I am an a hole and that is fine. With each paycheck she doesn't completely spend I feel better and better about myself. All the faults she contributed to her unhapiness are suddenly becoming clearly hers. Everything she said I did to make her unhappy in the last three years seem to have gone away on my end and are still showing up at her place. She is stressed. She is broke. Yet she is happy and content to spend the rest of her life ina an appartment. I am happy. I see the path widening for me now. I understand that I will always be a part of her life because she can't forget the time we had. The chldren will not disappear if we get divorced. I will know that the mistakes I made were innocent and a simple lack of knowledge as to how mariage works. I don't have the guilt of an affair to bring me down and my fantasy won't come crashing down around me. I am at the point in my life when the burden of living could be more than I could bear and I have shown that I could rise above. I am sorry that my wife will not see this. She has lost herself in the proud and stubborn way of the WAW. I pray that she is as happy as she claims. My goodness this sermon has been uplifting for me and I hope that everyone who has the opportunity to read itunderstands that true happiness comes from WITHIN. Life is always moving forward and you can go with it or stay put but the flow will forever tug at you to move. My God you should move. Moving forward doesnt always mean moving away because life pulls us all along. Some resist more than others but they may catch up eventually. Should I stop yet? Do I have anytihng else to say? Of course but I will just say GOD Bless and be champions. "Be the change you want to see happen" Ghandi " The Sleeper has awoken!" Paul Attreides (Dune)
