Ben, I think that when seemingly good things happen in our sitches, the first thing we usually want to do is ASK them about it so they can reassure us that what we see/hear is something GOOD. RESIST THIS at all costs.
If you think things are looking up, just use that as motivation to work harder on your PMA and such. I know it seems right to "notice" the good, but I think it may backfire sometimes because it often comes off as "Wow, you finally came around to seeing things my way." and not so much as "I really appreciate the last couple days".
Finally, notice the good and use it to generate a smile on your face for an extra 5 minutes today.
Just to further what GH said, the human mind tends to experience emotional opposites. If you bring up experiencing positive events or positive feelings, it will inspire the polar opposite. I think this is especially true in our sitch. I think the admission of the experience of feelings counter to what our WASs are motivated to feel has to be a very personal experience to them. They have to be vulnerable and self aware, not trying to prove a point. You too have to be far more focussed on yourself at this point. Appreciate great things for what they are or might be, but don't try to share the experience of enjoying this. Share the event, but not your dwelling in that moment. Make sense?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Thanks so much for the advice. I haven't gone to her for anything but she came to me tonight. My W called while I was at work about the boys and the trouble they were in. Then she talked about the stress she was under about how broke she is and how hard her job is. I was caring but distant about the money and job stuff. I didn't offer and help or advice except good luck at work. She then said she had a call. I closed up the store and half way home she called again. She had talked to my mother who had talked to her friend who had called her earlier. (phew) She waanted to let me know that my mother feelings about my W made her sad. That she was mean to my mom she thought she wasn't. I said it was a perspective thing. She then started in on how we are still getting a divorce and wanted to know about if I would fight to keep her from her kids. I said I don't know. For some reason she heard hell yes. So I had to explain that I would have to sek councel from a lawyer about that and really couldn't answer her. Well then she got very mad. She said it was BS that I would even think to keep the kids from her and that she would never do that. Well I had to explain again that I was not saying that. Then the conversation shifted to how she felt about us and how the love had turned off and there was no way that switch could be turned on again. I just listened. She asked me how i felt. So I told her. I told her everything about the hope I have the love I have the sorrow I have. I told her about how I see the good and bad times and understand how she feels and what she sees. I told her about my feelings about how divorce would really hurt the children. She said I dont agree. So I yelled at her "You asked me how I feel. This is how I feel. Don't invalidate that. I feel this way." She appologized and let me continue. I laid it all on the table. I told her that I loved her so much that I am letting her go because that was what made her happy and I genuinely cared that she was happy. I also said I still have faith that she would see me as her husband again. And she said she was sorry about hurting all of us and that we would hopefully get over this. Well of course we would the children will be the collateral dammage and I just hope I can help them understand what has happened to their happy home and happy parents who laughed and hugged and kissed and slept in the same bed. She had said that all her life she was never herself because that wasn't what other expected of her and now she is going to be herself. I said she hasn't changed into someone else she is still the girl I loved with all the qualities I adored. She thanked me for telling her what I saw. What I don't understand is how she could feel that being with me and her family made her not herself. And why she feels that if she needs to change who she is that that means not being with me. I have never been one to say she needed to be the doting wife the housewife. I have thought the stay at home role she had was what we agreed on. S*it if I felt she could go out and support our family I would have stayed with the boys I'm not too proud. I'm quite humble and easy going I think. But I love me now and I am happy about who I am. I think the night I have had was a positive one. Our conversation got a lot of stuff out of the closet the tomb the lockbox whatever and into the light. God is moving me on the path that is going this way. Which way you ask? Why this way. No direction, no destination, no end, no promises, no worries because the path is there, the way is this way. God Bless us all with the path we follow.
sounds like you got to put a lot of stuff you wanted on the table. It's up to her now. I do wonder though why you would even consider not giving her access to her children? Is there some reason? If not, would it not be in the best interests of your children to have a strong, loving R with both you and your W? Denying her access (if you even can) is a sure way to make a mom go ballistic and become truly hateful towards you. She needs reassurance that you would "never" do that without good reason. If she comes back to your M for the kids but hates you, it won't work! She also said she wants to be herself now. Sounds like a lady overwhelmed by her life (not your fault) and somehow sees this as THE solution. What a joke, she's carrying on about how hard her life is now, well, it's gonna get harder! WAW thinking is truly mind boggling. It's better to walk away, turn your life and your families upside down rather than work on it together. All this for a happiness that rarely turns out to be so. Wow! I feel for you Benwa.
I never once told her that I wold even consider not letting her see the kids but I don't know about shared custody or visitation rights because I havent taled to a lawyer about any of it. Again I want what is right for the children and I fell that it is marriage not divorce not shared custody. I am afraid that her world is going to come crashing down sooner that she thinks. She has no money and is two steps away from losing her job. I wonder how she would feel if she lost her job? Would the love magically return? I bet she would say something like that because I can tell you how the OM would react to giving money to her. The same way he acts towards his own W. I am sad for my W. I do wish her all the happiness in the world and she feels that she can't get that with me. I am at peace with this more and more each day. My life is on a path that will lead me to happiness because I am understanding that it begins within. Good luck to her and God Bless. Thank you for helping me with all the advice you will not quite know what it means to me no matter how much I say it in here.
Benwa, the wonderful thing about this board is that you are interacting with people who will cheer for you as you try to save your marriage. I know myself, I have wonderful friends who support me through this, but if I bailed they would each say "about time, I wondered when you would come to your senses". They hate to see you hurt and see separation as a way to end that pain for you. DB pals are here because they BELIEVE in what you are trying to do. Even when the odds suck, they'll cheer you on! Hard to find anywhere else. So hang in there and remember the sun will come up tomorrow no matter how dark today seems. Count on it! No matter how your M turns out, you will be a better person for doing what is right. I think as a cheerleader I'm now supposed to do a cartwheel now, so consider it done!
Well another update. I was driving home around noon and just happened to come up to my W going home for lunch. She called me and said do you want to buy me lunch. I first said i had things to do but then called her back and said ok. So we went to lunch. She told me about her weekend and how he bosses husband tried to make out with her at a party and that she left after that. I did my best to keep the rage inside but I have to say ARRRRRGHHHH!!!!! That is the most helpless feeling like someone saying my kid has incureable cancer or something. She also said she was going to get a bigger appartment because she was going to be there a while. (bitterly) I just listened and tried to be emphatic. As we were leaving she commented on how I was dressed. She asked how many times had she tried to get me to dress like this in all the time we were together. I asked if she liked it. She said yes but a little too late. I thought in my head olny because you say it is. She discussed how she couldn't take off Thanksgiving and see her family but might go for Christmas. I dont see either happening with no money but thats just me. I pciked up the book Men are fron Mars Women are from Venus. It is very enlightening. I am giong to try to talk to my W as often as she lets me. Now I am not going to start calling her but when she calls I will make the small talk that women need to feel wanted in a R. No matter how many times she says its over I can't see that yet. no papers are being filed and she still comes around. I want to talk to her so badly about the changes she sees but I know it doesn't matter unitl she makes it matter. So I will keep on this path and pray for the best.
She noticed and commented on your attire! She mentioned that she had always wanted you to dress that way. You're really getting the hang of this Benwa! And you kept your mouth shut too I think you are making great strides here. Kudos to you!!!!
I have been contacted by one of my wife's friends. She has been trying to get a hold of her since july shen she was told we seperated. She couldn't believe the news. This was her friend who my W said understood the most why she felt the way she does. I wasn't suprised when she told me the opposite. She was very upset when i told her the story and about the OM. She is going to try to go out with my W this weekend and tell her what she is doing isn't the answer. my wifes friend has had a very unhappy marriage and learned this summer how to make it work with her H. She told me that she had to stop being so selfish and learn to be more understanding of her H. I was so proud to hear this because the last time I had heard anything was she was ready to divorce her H. She told me that she is going to work on my W into seeing that there are other ways to be happy and that divorce is not the answer especially with the kids involved. To say the least it was a pleasant suprise. I did tell her to keep the fact that we have talked a secret for now because of the view My W would have with her side and my side BS. I will pray that she can get my wife to open up and see her view. She also said that she had a friend who was about the same age as my oldest boy whe her parents got divorced and has never been the same. She is going to try to get my W to see what she is doing to the kids because my W still denies it to me and herself. Boy I pray that she can be strong enough and compassionate enough to show my W these things.
It's kind of a dream come true for you, isn't it. Just don't get too worked up about it. It might help and it might not. Carry on with your plan cuz it's the thing that what will make all the dif in the end.
I think you are making great strides here. Kudos to you!!!!