Quote: Now can you tell me what my wife perception of me is because that is something I would like to know.
I can't tell you that any more than you already know if you go back and listen to what she's told you. Somewhere her impression of you changed from "man I want to love, make love to every night and take trips together with when we get old" to "Great dad and nice guy". That ain't all bad but at some point many people, especially women, seem to wake up one day, find the passion missing in their R and start wondering if something is wrong. From there they may start interpreting things differently and then the slippery slide has started.
I am not saying her perception of you is that you are horrible or not a good dad or even that you are not attractive to her, but for some reason her perception is such that in her mind there is nothing much holding her to the marriage.
You shouldn't really live your life trying to figure this stuff out but realize that as much as you cherish being a great dad and a good friend to your W, she wants and needs more these days, right or wrong. If your sitch is anything like mine and countless others around here, you may struggle with how to change the dynamic and I sympathize with you because that's the hard part, and not coincidentally, what DB is all about.
Quote: The history is where it belongs. My life is where I am now.
Well, yes and no. History, the history YOU remember is important because it not only shapes your perception (the one that is so radically different from hers right now) but it also can help you understand a lot about yourself, especially in relation to your W. I think a lot about our history and the more I do, the more OBJECTIVELY I do, the more I see that my perception was as "off" as I think my W's is. Where she sees almost nothing but bad, I saw nothing but good. The truth is somewhere inbetween but I now believe it to be more on the "bad" side than I ever realized and THAT has helped me understand a lot about what I want my life to be, with or without my W. Looking at our history has taught me many things about who I thought I was, who I really was and who I want to be.
So, don't discount history just because it's either painful or seems to be irrelevant. Then again, as you said, life IS where we are now, just don't allow it to be a replay of how life was before.
Quote: The gift was not supposed to be anything cruel, I just wanted her to be safe for her sake for my kids sake.
If you are talking about the condoms, sorry, I don't believe you. That was a spiteful, jealous thing to do.
If you are talking about the picture, well, I think your motives were right but unfortunately, as I said, her perspective is different and I would guess that anything you give her that even SEEMS like a "Hey look at how GREAT things were before you turned into a complete b!tch and ruined our life" gife will not really be well received.
Remember, she is trying her best to paint the past as evil and YOU as a clingy, needy, man hell-bent on keeping her. She sees you as trying to use anything in your power to sway her, most of all the past "good" times that she can't quite understand your perspective on.
It royally sucks but it goes a little like this. She FEELS your marriage and maybe even YOU are not worth sticking around for and she has her reasons, which to her, are 100% valid. You on the other hand feel the opposite and are thus are trying to prove her wrong at every turn, or so she thinks. You are invalidating her and making yourself the enemy, not what you want to be. The hard part is to learn to not be the enemy while still not condoning/enabling her affair. It's a tough road, fine line and all that happy $hit but walking that path is what we are all here to learn to do.
Quote: If she fids that I am not the one fine. I can live with that, i am living with that.
If you really believe that, can really look inside yourself and be "fine" then fine, but I suspect you struggle just like the rest of us do and are just about anything but fine. It's ok not to be fine but trying to convince yourself you are can undermine your true need to heal and grow before you can be truly ok.
Again, you may very well be fine, and if so, that is really good because it's a tough place to get to from where you started from. If not, then make sure you are not denying your true feelings just to put a happy face on the sitch.
Quote: I am taking care of me. I am taking care of my children.
Good. This is most important.
Quote: I am here though because I feel that there is more at stake here than my marriage. I think that my children deserve better than this. They deserve their parents to be part of a loving family unit that they have grown up used to. i think they need to see the value of marriage and that love is something worth fighting for.
You are 100% right but temper this thought with the idea that your W now knows the deep, dark secret of life, and that is that we all deserve happiness and if your marriage is not something that can afford BOTH of you that, then it's time to look at changing it, or getting rid of it. It's harsh, but true, and, in fact, something you too should have learned by now. Just "getting by" in a marriage so the kids can have a good home, etc, only works for awhile and usually works better for one partner than the other. Eventually there has to be something more, or at least there does if one or both of you are unhappy.
Quote: If I was being selfish and jealous, I would be as gone as my wife.
In your mind, your world, yes, this is true. In your W's mind and her world, holding on to her is selfish and jealous. That's not to say you should stop fighting but starting to understand the sometimes absurdly opposite way your W may view your actions/words is paramount to understanding some of the things that help and hurt your sitch.
Quote: I wouldn't let her have the time she needed because she would have the kids the lion's share of the time not the opposite.
Again, the fine line we all walk. I think you are doing a lot of the right things, like honoring her request for "time" but at the same time you are not honoring other things. It's not that she's right in wanting what she wants, or that you are wrong in either giving it to her or not.
At this point I will repeat something I have said in the past, and something I try to remember as much as I can; in a relationship between two people, especially a marriage, there is very little right and wrong. There are only two perspectives and if we can learn to accept that, learn to accept not being "right" and them not being "wrong" so much, we can learn to live a happier life with our spouse.
Quote: Unfortunately I slipped on the way up. I am sure that many have slipped there also. I am still climbing though.
We ALL have slipped MANY, MANY times. Don't sweat it at all.
Quote: And you can't tell me that waiting for her to come around isn't the hardest thing a loving husband will ever do. I think it is but I carry that load with passion and love.
It most certainly IS the hardest thing ANY of us will likely ever do but indeed it's something that, if successful, can bring the passion and love back to our lives in a way we never before felt. I believe this with all my heart.
