DO NOT GIVE YOUR W ANY GIFTS/CARDS etc. This weekend is going to require YOU to pull out all of your strength and all of your love and remember all that you are fighting for.
This is going to be an extremely difficult weekend for you to get through....find strength in your children; friends; family. If it makes it easier, think of it this way - you may lose this one battle; but isn't it the war you really want to win?
Unfortunately, your W is not thinking about you right now. Hard to swallow; but true. She can't see beyond the fantasy she's enmeshed herself in. Do NOT do anything that she will see as negative behavior from you. If she sees you crying; clinging; acting depressed - well that's going to give her more reason to say "I have to get away from this - from him." Would YOU look favorably upon someone doing that to YOU? Cry; scream, vent - anywhere but in HER presence. Do it here. With her, be calm; detached; collected. Talk up what YOU will be doing this weekend. Act as if it's no big deal that she's going away!!!
You don't have to say "have a good weekend" or "Have fun". Keep it neutral. Avoid seeing her before she leaves, if possible.
But, most of all, take care of YOU. Read all you can here on this site - there's some really good information. Look in the "For Newcomers" forum and read everything under DB Power Threads. Good stuff there.
I know what you are going through. I still feel the pain. I had a few of these weekends where W went w/Om to have fun and I was at home w/the kids. Don't give her anything. Don't give her a card. 'Act as if' everything is ok and TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS. Can you go to somebody? Friends w/children. Get out of the house? That was the only thing that helped me through those weekends. Fortunately I had friends, 2 couples w/kids. I don't know where I would be w/o them.
Well I did mess up big time. I shouldn't have sent the present. She liked the card and the flower. Hated the present. I feel so foolish. One step up two steps back. Well I wished her a good time in KC and asked if we could sit down and talk when she gets back. Its going to be a long weekend.
Benwa, To mess up big time would have been to follow through on the rest of your plan! It would have driven her right into the OM's arms. Cut off her money, take away her kids...that doesn't make her think "Wow, that Benwa is the man I want in my life". You sent a card and a present...big deal. Nothing that can't be fixed there...unless the gift was ticking! Breath deeply and have the best weekend you and the kids can have. Good to see you calming down. This hell sure ain't for wimps, is it!
Quote: My W has planned a trip this weekend to KC. She said that it was a trip with the girls. I have found out that is a trip with the OM. I think she is feeling very guilty about it because she has lied about the trip to everyone except her sister.
Yes, she is. Deep inside she knows what she is doing is wrong but she can't help herself because it is an addiction. To the attention, the 'newness' the changes, the 'thrill'.
She was very young when she married and had kids, and does NOT know how to deal with life, emotions and relationships. Neither do you and neither did most of us.
But now YOU can learn, and lead by example. Be the solid person who is unshaken, predictable, and not prone to rash decisions. I think that person has been missing from the relationship for a while. Time to get him back.
Here is a good article about affairs. I like your 'sparkler' analogy. The article uses 'addiction' as their analogy:
Quote: I am feeling very down but I think that this weekend will show his true colors.
They always do. Remember, a decent man would not chase a married woman - or even a 'separated' woman. He is a loser. This is all about his ego. And he is using her but she can't see it and YOU can't tell her. She has to discover this on her own.
Quote: I think I am going to take custody of my boys this weekend and cut her off until she lets me know one way or the other about our future. I am going to also take the money away. I think she needs to see what she is going to lose if she continues doing what she's doing. If nothing changes nothing changes. I feel like the end of my rope is here. Any input about this move would be appreciated.
You really don't want to do this. At least not all at once and definatly not NOW. You do want to work on the financial changes that a 'divorce' would bring so she sees and experiences what being a single mother only getting child support will bring. Wait a little first.
Not now. It will come across as if you are punishing her, and she will resent you.
Don't talk about this trip, don't try to throw anything in her face, and if you tell her to 'be safe' be sure to also let her know you do not approve or support her breaking her wedding vows, but as your childrens mother you implore her to be careful.
I know this sucks. My W did the same things except she flew 3,000 miles for her 'weekend' and I paid for it.
You MUST realize one thing. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. It is about her, and her emotional growth that was frozen at 17. She has no idea who she is other than 'mom' and 'wife in unhappy marriage'. She is truly lost. Yet as you have seen she still loves you and the family.
Don't go completely dark, but do keep yourself emotionally safe.
This is not totally over. She's on a journey she would have gone on if she was not married so young. You need to be working on yourself too. We're here for you.
Oh, ome other thing. If she calls, DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE. You will only be hurt, and you will say or do something you will regret. She is leaving the family to break her vows so she needs to feel what it's like to be 'out' of the family when she does it. If she has an emergency she will leave a voice mail. It's ok if your kids answer the phone but YOU must not talk to her.
I dropped the boys off today at the house before work (retail is the marriage killer) and she was nice. I didnt linger just said hi and bye. No questions about the trip and she didnt mention the gift. As mad as she was on Friday I was expecting a cold response. Well tonight she said she needed to bring the boys over because she had to go to work extra early. When she called I let my mother answer the phone and when she came over I let my mother answer the door. She came downstairs where I was and started up a conversation with me!!! I was stunned. She talked about her day and asked about mine. I guess as long as I take care of the boys and pay the bills I'm her friend. I have to wonder if the money went away how she would react? But small things are big steps on this unknown path with an unknown end. I have another gift I want to give her. This gift is not mean spirited. It is a few pictures framed and a message about why I still hope to fix this marriage. I think that next week would be a good time to give them to her. My B day is Sunday and I am thinking of giving gifts. My how a life does change with time and trials. Anyone think good bad wouldnt hurt wouldnt help? God Bless
Benwa, To be blunt, trash the gift idea! Trying to impress her with photos aimed at bringing back the good feeling is useless and in fact can drive her further away. Let her be. Show her you are the man she wants to be with in other ways. Stop the pursuit! I know doing loving things seems like the right thing to do and often when those deeds are greeted with neglect or outright rejection we automatically think, for some strange reason, that we must do more of them to have an impact! Maybe this next photo or sweet little note etc will do the trick. It won't, bottom line. Try something new, this won't do it! But, as always, it's your life and you know better than I what is best. So think it over. What do others think?
The last gift i gave her was a box of condoms which she opened in front of all her coworkers. She was a little upset but she liked the card. Oh and by a little upset I mean she was pissed. But the strangest thing is happening. She continues to be nice and stick around when she is here. This gift is a framed picture of her boys taken by a pro photographer. I am not going to give it for a few weeks but I think she would like it. Maybe just the picture no message just a box. I'm thinking things are turning around just because she is so nice to me when she is around and I would have thought after Friday she would be cold as ice and bitter. Hell I don't know. Might be she got to use the gift. If so I would have thought she would throw it in my face. Might be she needs the money. I am just seeing signs leading the up not down. I guess I am just at the point where my life is changing for the good and happiness is coming from within. I am still in love with her but I am seeing the small things all around.
" Be the change you want to see happen" - Ghandi God Bless and a little bit
I'm sort of new to your situation, so sorry if this is a dumb question...but WHY ON EARTH would you give your W a box of condoms as a gift? Especially one that she would open in front of co-workers?!
I felt that if I couldn't stop her I could at least try to protect her from any life changing mistakes. It was a bit of a jealous stumble backwards. I do regret it but it didnt do as much damage as i had expected.
a little bit