BI - hang in there. It's clear to me that you are fighting an internal fight - something that's playing out in your relationship. The state of your marriage is a safe place to play this out, and you instinctively know this so you project things onto the relationship that you are trying to address within yourself. The trouble is that it's a rather convenient place to place blame for your own lack of happiness. Even though it's not what you want it to be *yet* it does not stand in the way of your happiness. Own the issues you see personally, but look to the positives that do exist in your relationship as a product of the relationship. It is your responsibility to maintain a positive image of the relationship (no matter the state of the relationship - and this does not mean ignoring this) in your emotional reality.
Your statements about how people don't maintain the cherishing state of mind when it comes to their spouse is evidence of the way we generally regard ourselves. We are always pushing to be perfect yet we aren't - to keep up with the artificial standards imposed upon us (that we accept rather) by the media and out culture at large. We defend ourselves, but all too often we find an outlet for this self hate in the criticism of our spouse and we don't extend them the same courtesy of forgivness we do ourselves. As you stated far more eloquently than I could, it doesn't do us any good to be critical and talk behind our spouse's back. It poisons our relationship (because what you practice you eventually become) and it never truly relieves us of the pain that our constant failure causes. A happy person doesn't try and fix the issues that seem to cause the fear of failure - rather they fight the fear itself. This prevents the fear from controlling them and they are free to nurture the good that exists within them.
You seem to be so focused on an external fix - whether it be God, your husband, your marriage - to address your yearnings. I think all of these things will be wonderful parts of your life once you accept the uncertainty of the situation. Can you strip away the years of conditioning and look at the relationship as you would have the first day you were together? Look for all the new things there are to learn about your H, and do so in a positive way? Even if it seems so rediculously negative, can you see something in him to appreciate (just for yourself)? Can you find something that teaches you a little more about yourself? You've got a great idea of what your fixed marriage will be like, of how you can measure your progress. Now think about what the "fixed" BI will be like. How she'll act, think, feel. How will you measure your steps toward success? How far along are you? Are you the whole that will be half of this fixed marriage yet? I know you have made some great progress - the fact that you're aware of your insecurities, that you're secure in yourself enough to admit you're insecure is great in itself. Just keep plugging along and you will make it, I know it, you know it. It's just frustrating, and human nature makes you believe that things shouldn't be the way they are. Look deep in your soul and ask God - I think you'll find that every step you took was meant to be, and there is so much good where you are that you are just ignoring.
As for your marriage: change something, one little thing. You said that there was a shoot of new growth. Nourish this, love it. If you do this, rather than criticise the fact that it's not yet a tree, you will find growth, positivity and happiness in it. That change that you provide can be the thing that your H finds refreshing and will be something he can fixate on to prove to himself that he made the right choice in staying. Thanks for posting and letting us know how everything is going.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
