My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2

[believing_isaiah43]

I have been lurking and catching up on everyone's posts and keeping up with my blog, but haven't had the time - or frankly the emotional energy - to update here.

The Action Plan is dead in the road. We did one thing on the list for the first 2 weeks, and when we met with MC that next time, she told H to try to tackle one at a time and perhaps slowing down would make them easier for him. (DRAMATIC SIGH FROM ME. WHATEVER.)

She said, rightfully so, that the prayer was most important. So, for the most part, we have been praying at night together. We see MC tomorrow and it's been a month since this Action Plan was put into effect. I'm not knocking prayer, so forgive me Lord if You think so, but I am bummed out by the lack of decent forward movement and have been less encouraged as time goes on. Perhaps this is due to me wishing I was piecing like ToughLover is, everything they are doing is what I want to be doing - based my Action Plan requests on what he and his W are doing. This one thing at a time deal is rankling to me. Shame on me, I'm a selfish b!tch today maybe.

And I'm getting ZERO in my one Dealbreaker area: coming to bed at the same time, and sex. ZERO. He's still saying goodnight to me and going downstairs to all hours. No, there's not porn or any wacky sh!t going on, just a general AVOIDANCE of ME. I cannot tell you how many times I've told him (and also in MC) that this is where the rubber hits the road for me. It was going on pre-A, but even though it made me miserable, I tolerated it. And I also thought it was b/c of his then-highly-demanding job. Well, there's no busy job anymore, but he will now find reasons to keep himself 'needing' to do this or that. Garbage. I told him post-A that this is something I will not tolerate anymore, a sexless M and a H who will not come to bed at the same time. That it feels like a big fat rejection, lack-of-reassurance, and flat-out disrespectful/can't-be-bothered when he does this. EVERY DAY. I told him tonight that this is the ONE thing I've asked for, the most important thing to me right now (somewhat b/c of the A, but mostly b/c I seem to be a man in a chick's body, b/c I feel connected and more open/intimate AFTER sex. He's like the girl, who wants to feel inimate/open BEFORE he's willing to have it.) You know, what-the-fcuk-ever. I'm about done over it. We have a C appt tomorrow a.m., and if some sh!t doesn't get resolved I am close to giving up.

Sorry if this seems lame and stupid to anyone out there. But, hell, the man cannot even tell me he loves me NOR will he ML to me or spend much time with me. All of this on the heels of an A is just about a Dealbreaker for me. If you had it for her, you can fcuking rally for me.

I have changed a lot, I realize there is more to do, but my basic CONTENTIOUS nature is GONE. He runs up against NO resistance in his life about parenting, finances, decisions he makes. NOTHING. I mean, I'm no doormat, as ya'll can guess, we do discuss things, but I argued with him and 2nd-guessed everything he did pre-bomb. Everything. Emasculating, and wrong. He has NONE of that now. And he's acknowledged that. So - pat, pat - I will pat my back there, but it's not enough. We haven't met each other's core needs and I don't trust that we ever will.

The most one-on-one time he gives me is when we are arguing about our R.

I find this whole deal sad and ridiculous. Hell, he deserves to be happy too, and if it's not with me, so be it. I'm too tired to go on and on with the details of all that was discussed/argued tonight, but I'll let you know what is discussed tomorrow in MC. Perhaps I can look back on this post in a few weeks/months and laugh that about how stupid it was, but not tonight. Feels pretty hopeless.