My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2

[believing_isaiah43]

Must. Sleep.

Too tired for rational thought, but had to share this bit of wisdom from 25yrsmlc over in Piecing. There's a thread over there asking people if they're really happy piecing, or not. Lots of good insight, and more reinforcement about how Piecing is so freaking HARD, ya'll. Anyway, this is the post that, for whatever reason, smacked me with a 2x4 between the eyeballs.

In a workshop I attended a man had spoken of his W often and how she did not love him the way he wanted to be loved. At least, that is how I saw his problem....anyway, he mentioned that she wanted to come to the "graduation" if he wanted her to and he did. But he changed his mind, and so she did not plan on attending. Later someone convinced him it would be fun and once again the H changed his mind about his W coming to the ceremony...She again was flexible and fine with whatever he wanted. He seemed a little embarrassed at how many times his mind had changed. A light went off in his head and he began weeping.


He said, "all these years I've wanted her love to come to me in a certain way and I refused it if it wasn't in that exact 'one lane of a road', it could only come in the lane I wanted it from..... I've shut out so much of the love in the other lanes, so much love she was offering me all these years, what a fool I've been....she will come to the ceremony or stay home b/c she wants to do what will make ME happy....I want to love her the way she loves me and not close off so many lanes in my life...."

I saw this with my own eyes, and hope it comes across half as profound as I experienced witnessing it. It was a miracle I think, and if you'd heard his earlier comments you'd know it was true. How much do we shut off?

And if your H somehow made it clear that he GOT IT, and was genuinely sorry, why couldn't you THEN drop it, forgive and move on.???? If he really got it, he wouldn't do anything perilously close to his "before" behavior. You don't have to psychoanalyze it to be reassured, I'd say the opposite. BUt you will get nowhere if you insist that he keep on proving it all over again to you.

DB coach said to me (and other LBSers) something you might like:

"KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH" so let's not make it harder than it already is. I know some WAS don't ever come back b/c they believe it'll be too hard...they won't be forgiven or trusted or even taken back at all no matter what. When LBSers insist on continuing to need the reassurances a year down the road, they make it harder for all. IF your H 'got it', then you move forward as if it's a new love, b/c it is.

Now, my whiny-a$$ed self wants to qualify these points: but it isn't a 'love' b/c my H doesn't love me anymore, wah, wah, blah, blah I am just really wanting my ONE Fcuking LANE road and no others. Yeah, maybe he's not all 'feeling the love' right now (which, if I sit and dwell on that, could take me under) BUT if I keep whining and b*tching and moaning about it, how much further away do I pull us from him actually saying ILY some day?

God's working it out, I'm hoping, yet I keep stepping in and pushing the healing further away; the happy times keep being DELAYED because of MY BAD ATTITUDE. Don't you know God's up there shaking his head: I love her, but if she'd just SHUT UP I could get my work done quicker.

The silent pressure on H from me is HUGE. yuck. who wants to live in that vacuum? i certainly wouldn't (but i'm not saying it's not HARD to walk around mopey and entitled and all why-don't-you-love-me-again-right-now-ish. it's damned near impossible for Drama Queen Me).

This just really drove it home for me in a way I've not felt before. Now to figure out what to do about it.