There is alot of sadness in your H's post. In so many ways he has a point. He is being judged by actions he took in his personal life that in no way reflect on his professional expertise. This is an issue that affected his M....and impacts YOU.
I say this b/c my H is also now being crucifed for his A....no revelation on my part....he was seen by others and the gossip mill just got started. I don't feel sorry for H, it was his dumb mistake. And it's really humiliating to me. BUT, when things started biting him professionally, I did think that was irrelevant....he's a good clinician....a sleezebag, but a good clinician. But in H's case, he's letting things fall at work too, all on his own.
I really think facing this hurdle is meant to be part of your H's growth through this experience. To fall and get back up is one of the hardest things you can do. My brother, who went through a "crisis" of sorts after dropping medical school AFTER finishing (then he went back and got back in the field, but had to explain 2 missed years), said it was the hardest and best experience of his life to fall, get back up and to face the music and consequences of what you did....to sit there in interview seats and answer why you screwed up your life for 2 years. He broke down many times, but still came through.
I think the same is for your H. I think the best advice I have for you is that your H is dealing with the consequences and ripples of HIS life....it's hard to let go when you're living in the same house and M. BUT, he's finishing up the phase of his own life that he walked down when he started the A. So, leave him be. Let him sort through this, and be a friend and parter from afar. Be supportive, validate and no pressure, only when he seeks it. If he does not, trust that he's working through things.
