My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2

[believing_isaiah43]

Leaving for work in a minute, wanted to check in to post a thought and H's answer to my email last night.

First off, again he came to bed on Dracula's schedule. Probably 3am-ish. Never faced me, went right to sleep (he didn't know I was awake. I had actually cried myself to sleep for the first time in months, and woke up again when he came to bed). His back was to me most of the night, and while this is no big deal, it is when he turns to face my side of the bed after my alarm goes off and I'm out of bed. He's completely asleep, it's just subconscious I think.

Also, and I could be paranoid, but I think there's some truth here. H has been emotionally 'monotone' with me since the A (and even before) and he said during a discussion sometime recently, 'what if this is really who i am?" (b/c I was saying he had all this emotion in the A and then it disappeared and there's no great passion in him now). his argument is that the A wasn't real, was ridiculous, a fantasy, all the right words. but he still remains 'hidden' to me. Part of that is the hurt that I posted about last night, and this a.m. I started thinking that what if it's suppressed as a defense mechanism? As in: the last time I had a lot of emotions, my world fell apart, so I can't trust myself to have any emotions. Do you think that's a possible H thought process?

Anyway, with that out of the way, and the fact that I'll be late for work if I don't go now, here is H's email back to me from last night:

I am hurting, and I am struggling to not blame anyone for what I did, but also struggling with what was done to me. This season is going to be very hard, for the reasons I talked about. I don't know how to deal with all of this. I think I have been trying so long to stay accountable to my actions that I have forgotten everything else that went wrong.

The fact remains, though, that I too am a victim, and that may never be resolved. There is no triumphal entry through the gates for me; just that lonely and overwhleming feeling that I have lost it all.