My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2

[believing_isaiah43]

This may make no sense but I'm journaling and not going to stop to edit right now:

I'm no idiot. I knew we were distant, etc. just being civil-ish and cordial but could not put my finger on it until today. His emotions have been shoved down and buried and I assumed it was 'stuff' about the OW, but it's not. He denied that his emotions were pushed down or that he was 'hiding' something this whole time. But I knew. I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop for months. I just didn't know if I was looking for a boot, or a sandal, or a high-heel, but I knew something was coming. I don't know if the whole shoe is dropping now, but at least I see part of it coming.

Backing up a second...
This month has been unbearably stressful overall. Money is horribly tight - we just found out a few days ago that our checking acct was overdrawn by over $1000 (add to that over $400 in bank fees), which is a huge stress - and an ego blow to H who is not bringing in any $ as of late.

Plus, it's becoming Fall and colder here - and that time of year is when H's job would gear up and his travel increased, and he had a lot of responsibility nationally with his company, and to the people underneath him. Everyone looked to him for the next 3 months to keep things running smoothly. The job sucked rocks for our family, but he loved being on the go and important. Contrast that to now. Barely getting by, and not even, really. So when the weather started to cool, the pain of not being a part of things this year was brought in sharp relief against the backdrop of Now.

Plus, we found out this month that everyone in his department, including the higher-ups that screwed him HARD when they found out about the A, were all promoted. H would have been a company Director if he were still there, and money would be great. (but take note: I wouldn't have H in that job again if they were sh!tting gold bars into our bank account daily).

Again, contrast that to where we are now financially. All this is really HURTING my H, and that HURT is re-surfacing in the last few weeks, escalating a lot in the last few days. We were talking sometime in the last week briefly about some of it, and he said he could hardly go anywhere in town and not see someone 'tainted' by what he did. It's like when you rob a bank, and they booby-trap the money to explode that red powder on everything. He said that everyone he sees has red powder all over them from what he did, some more than others.

I thought about that more tonight, and suddenly it occurred to me that I have the most red powder on me - yeah, duh, I knew that already - but what I just realized is that every time H looks at me he sees me thru the hurt he caused me and that is why (or part of Why) we cannot connect, and I am of NO comfort to him when I try to listen/validate/sympathize. I knew it was ringing on deaf ears, but just thought it was me SUCKING at validating. No, not entirely. It's also HIM not able, or willing, to TAKE the validation from me.

This is all complicated by the fact that I betrayed him by turning his A in to his superiors without ever confronting him first. (That's all on my first dead-locked thread for those of you not around before). That was a complete violation of the Instruction Book (The Bible, book of Matthew, chapter 18. if someone sins against you, you first go to him DIRECTLY. Then, if they don't straighten up you go get some others to work on him, etc). He's been amazing about not throwing that in my face or holding it against me permanently (well, now - but boy, it REALLY sucked to be Me this winter. I wince to think of it), and now I realize it's more to do with him burying everything for so long. His physical affection (not that it was much, but it was kisses goodbye, etc) was really like living with a cardboard cutout person lately, and I kept wondering if it was just me.

Jee-Zuss in a handbasket. Just when you think you have scaled a small summit, you plunge into a freaking sinkhole. Anyway, he said tonight that he is so hurt by what I did, and also by the people he worked for, after 5 hard (hard! no lie) years of daily sacrifice for this organization they showed no loyalty. He even used the word 'betrayal' and didn't see the irony in it at all. He said he had been ignoring that pain for the last 9 months b/c he's been so busy worrying about making sure he was 'doing the right thing' with me, and making sure I could trust him, etc etc that he had just forgotten how painful this all was. Not that he didn't make a HUGE mistake and what he did was wrong (he did, and always does, qualify his statements with that), but he was a good person prior to this one huge fcuk-up, and nobody remembers that.

sh!t on seven sticks, ya'll. what ELSE?! i want to scream at God, but every time I've done that, by gum if He doesn't show me something Else. so i believe i'll shut up right now.

damn, this is almost harder than leaving, i think.

i sent him this email just now. the first line was posted in someone else's thread (maybe by whatisis, i can't remember) and i just loved how it sounded so i expanded on that thought. have no idea how he'll take it, or if i'm just a gi-normous PIA to him with all this 'support' but so be it:

this is just a small scene in the film called " your life"

it may be the pivotal scene that changes the film
it may be a mere subplot to distract you

-we won't know until we get through it, and that will be a while i think.

i think this is one of your hardest emotional times ever and i wish i was of more help. i try but i see it's not much use right now. your hurts are large and i want to help carry them, but you may never stop remembering my part in your pain (i know i don't).

i have, and will, continue to try to support you and encourage you as my team member. until -or unless- you don't want me to, or it feels like more of a burden than a comfort.

and that's a call you'll have to make, but i now understand how hard it may be to see me as Me. untainted by what's happened. now it all makes more sense - how i'm unable to comfort you or be of any help in your struggle. gosh, that's hard. i may be covered in red powder, but i'm the wife who loves you, who wants to be in a solid, laughing marriage with you. maybe you'll never see me w/out seeing your own hurt, but for now i choose to believe you will. and that i will too.

on the flip side, i remember hearing a sermon about how when we are saved, that God cannot look at us without seeing us thru the blood of Jesus. That no matter how fcuked up we are, or what we have done, that Jesus stands in the middle and God looks thru the Red to see us pure. remember that. i try to.