My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2

[believing_isaiah43]

Well, I've been off the BB for several days, trying to catch up on my reading. I posted to MamaBear's thread a few minutes ago and thought I'd copy it here since it gives some insight into my sitch of late.

How do I stop "watching and analyzing"? I am so tired of being suspicious all of the time.



Honey, if I knew, I'd write my own book. I'm not suspicious of the OW/A anymore, but of his feelings about me. There is no ILY from him. Ever. And yet, he's here and 'committed'. But it doesn't FEEL committed to me if there's no feelings with it...? Ack, anyway, should post all that crap on my own thread.

Anyway, all that to say that we analyze our S's in different areas for a LONG time. I don't want to, but I don't feel at ease and I don't know where we are emotionally, and H just feels the tension of being watched & scrutinized all the time. Yuck. It used to be a 'suspicious' watching, when I would check his email accounts and see what songs he was listening to on his iPod to gauge where his heart was. I haven't done that in a LONG time, but he still lives under that cloud from me. He said recently that it's the pressure of this whole M sitting on what he does/doesn't do, what he says/doesn't say to me, that somehow I've put the whole balance of this M in his lap. He's right, in a way, and I'm not sure how to stop that. Theories are easier than putting them into practice.

Hm. Have to copy & paste all this into my own thread. Sorry if it's a hijack, but I think some of this parallels your sitch too. H has started posting his story of the A on my blog in installments. If you haven't read any of it, you may find some of it insightful. Go here and look in the Sidebar for The Husband's Story links. Perhaps it will be helpful to you. That's why he agreed to it, to stop anyone from having an A if he could.

You know, on paper, he's doing all the right things, and yet I still feel miles away from him. I don't know when or if that will end.