My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2

[believing_isaiah43]

Jacqm, my sweet friend, thanks for checking in. If I had some freaking answers I'd bottle it and we'd all be happy, yes? No, I'm nowhere near dealing with all I have mulled over in the last few weeks, but I'm less an ostrich than ever before so I'm happy with that for now.

I've always had trust issues with men, so this really f's me up on a lot of levels. Have no idea all the ramifications of it, but I am still waiting for H to be secretly longing to get out of the M, etc. It's an underlying fear (sometimes an underlying panic) that effects a lot of what I do/think/act, I believe.

With that said, I'm going to write some concrete things here about what I've done this week in the 180 department. Noticed? no idea. But have to say I am quite content with myself regardless.

First off, as I mentioned before, I grew up in a crappy house with a lot of b*tching and sarcasm and snippy tones. Very mean undercurrents going on, and one of the things I disliked the most there (aside from the outright abuse) were the tones of voice in my household of origin. I cannot emphasize this enough. People were always negative, even to the point of arguing with the TV, finding the worst in every situation, etc. and the TONE of voice just was so sharp-edged and wounding.

Well, true to form, what I hated the most I have become. My tone of voice can be just like my mother's, when I'm impatient, mad, or selfish. Or even when I'm none of the above. Was just hard-wired in there way back when.

I've made a real effort post-A (when I had all the reason in the world to be a tone-of-voice nazi) to not be that person. I have failed miserably for the most part on COUNTLESS occasions since December, trust me. But the awareness of what my goal is and what I'm trying to do is big for me, Ms. Don't-Look-At-Anything-Negative-About-Self-And-Actually-Try-To-Change-It.

But lately (as in the last few days consistently) I HAVE been really changing my tone of voice in all situations. Not doormat-ish, just softer and more friendly.

I had been noticing my voice when I dealt with relative strangers, just saying 'hello' and 'thank you' at my gym to the trainers, etc., that my voice was really nice and I kept thinking about it. Like, wow, I do have a pleasant voice if I can just harness it at home with my family. So I've been attempting that more, and this week it seems to be sticking more often, praise God. So that's happy 180 Number One.

Number Two is somewhat related to the voice. My daughter just turned 7 and her party is tomorrow. Every year, I turn into stark-raving-stepford-lunatic-b*tch in preparation for her parties. The invitations, decorations, etc must be perfect. Yes, b/c I love my child, but I mow down everyone in the house during the prep and am tense as crap. God, what a nightmare I have been. ugh.

Anyway, last year we had a nice party for her, and I remember H said afterward (trying to point out things about me that I was not seeing) that I had been rude/short with him in front of the parents at the party (some unimportant crap about bringing out the hot dogs, who knows?). And you know, I just hadn't really noticed. And quite honestly, didn't much give a sh!t b/c again, I have been a real b*tch in my former life.

Well, about 3 months after that, my world caved in and I remember this example of something that humiliated (emasculated?) him, b/c I just never hardly showed him real respect after a while.

SO. Fast forward to this week. I am so laid back about this party it is wonderful. Everything is still really nice, but it's not down-to-the-minute perfect. Things I would have prepped ahead of time, I am turning into a craft for the girls to do themselves and have fun with (decorating their goody bags). AND, big incident tonight. Weeks ago, I ordered a pinata on ebay, paid WAY too much money for it and too much to ship it. Basically was an idiot because my D7 wanted a certain one, and I couldn't find it anywhere else, nevermind that we are on the brink of financial ruin. Caution to the wind!

So, H and I opened it up when it arrived, looked at it and I boxed it back up and put it in the garage on his work desk to be worried with closer to time (i.e. tonight) when we needed to fill it with candy. So, here's tonight. That box cannot be found, and we think that perhaps H took it to the dump thinking it was an empty shipping box b/c hey, pinatas are so light the box weighed nothing. Old Me? Would've fcuking KILLED him, raged from one end of the house to the other about how he had ruined his D's birthday. Not so obviously b*tchy, mind you, just subtly jabbing him with barbs all night. New Me? Never raised my voice, or changed it from my friendly tone, said it was no big deal, it was nobody's fault,we'll think of something else to do for a game. Went upstairs to calmly break the news to D that we'd lost it (with H silently at the bedside, feeling like crap by himself) and sweet girl said "that's okay" and we thought of another game to play with the candy. Crisis over, very expensive pinata gone and all is well regardless. And I never brought it up again. Went on about my business, no seething, no nothing. Just forgot about it. Over and out.

Sounds lame, but this is HUGE ya'll. I swear. Did H jump up and down and have a parade for me? No. b/c even if he noted the change to himself (which I have no idea), he needs to see this change longterm to feel 'safe' about it, I am sure. But I felt so at peace about the way I was (compared to the old me) tonight, I wanted to take out a full page ad in my paper! Look! I can change! I may bring it up at MC next week if the opportunity presents itself. If not, that's okay too.

There's always more to talk about, but I had to share these 180s with you guys b/c I've just NOT been really good at them so far but finally I am having some success. Even if H never cares about them, I do. I want to be more of this person in ANY R that I have, be it this one or with another man (God forbid, but ya gotta think about it). I'm so grateful for this chance to fix my garbage permanently.

Not like I won't still fall down and fail at times, but I am happy with the forward movement