And JM, you are right and we just had this discussion tonight (get out of my house, man!) about how I need to lay down my incessant need to control my surroundings in order to avoid pain/hurt, to make sure something is not going to sideswipe me again (always one of my issues, now more cemented/justified to me by the A and my 'need' to have a 'handle on' my H and my radar is always tuned into him).
He said tonight that he (H) can't be the one I depend on to make me whole - only God can fill that hole I have - which I KNOW, but I'm unable to completely let GO of it. Even when I 'detached' from him the previous week and 'let him be', he said he could feel it that I hadn't detached in my heart (he's way too damned perceptive for my good) and he still felt analyzed and scrutinized with his every move, even when I don't say anything to him.
This is one of our 2 biggest relationship "crazy cycles" and if we can take the 'need to control out of fear' component out of this cycle that we could perhaps move foward. (Cycle 1: he withdrawls, i feel the need to hunt him down and flush him out, he runs away harder. Cycle 2 is the sex/physical thing, except our roles are reversed from 'normal' genders and I want sex in order to FEEL intimacy and he wants intimacy first to want sex)
But, he did say that one of the reasons he has hope for us is that we KNOW what our problems are, we just have to work thru them. That's why we have a C, and why we're seeing her again on Monday (finally!) . This road is a pain in my a$$ to travel, that's for sure. I wish I didn't love him SO damned much. But I do, and now I have to figure out MY work - and quit worrying so much about what HE'S not doing but about what I'M not doing. (groan. it's so much easier to b*itch about the other person, isn't it?)
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
