My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2

[believing_isaiah43]

Thank you guys so much for stopping by; I am continually humbled and thankful for this community of people that holds each other up no matter what. It's been such a blessing to me to have you on 'standby' and willing to step in to comfort, or slap, me as needed.

After muuuuuuch gnashing of teeth last night, we had a decent denoument to the discussion. Here's the weird thing I had for my take-away lession from H. He is all about needing Affirmation (which is different than his prior #1 need of Acts of Service). So, I've been AOS-ing him more (prepping his coffee in the a.m., little stuff like that I never worried with before), which is still good. But I've also been trying to affirm him, yet IN THE WRONG AREA.

I've been thanking him for what a great dad he is, how I couldn't do my job without all his help at home, how much I appreciate the little things he's done to surprise me (he bought me new nursing scrubs and some cool Keen sandals I've wanted), things I appreciate/admire about him. About him being a good man in general, or things he does.

Well he doesn't want THAT, he wants me to acknowledge his efforts in THE R (which is way harder to do, b/c it's more vague & our perspectives are different about it): to thank him for spending time with me talking about his day when he never did that before. He still doesn't do much of it now, IMO, but apparently HE VIEWS it as a large amount of time and effort.

If I would give him more positive affirmation in that area, he says, he would feel safer moving toward me. Gosh, it sounds so damned simple and stupid writing it down here but it really is a tad more complex than it looks.

Anyway, it seems so REPETITIVE (apparently I need a Relationship Conversation Thesaurus, b/c I don't know how to say the same thing over and over w/out sounding like a fem-bot). He is really hung up on how he will come upstairs and will tell me about his day, or what's going on with work (he doesn't do this as much as he thinks, but I digress), and how it's more than he used to do pre-A and wants to be acknowledged/affirmed for that.

I just sent him an email tonight thanking him for sharing about some tee-tiny issue going on with the school board, but it feels dumb to me and again repetitive. Affirmation Vocabulary 101 anyone?

Regardless, my point was that I was thanking him/validating him/ appreciating him in the WRONG area for HIM to feel affirmed. I will sound like a 3rd grader if I have to and thank and affirm him every bloody time he shares/spends time with me, even for a minute. I am determined for him to be OVER-affirmed, if that's possible. I just cringe when I don't have an arsenal of variety to say.

And then he got on his soapbox about him spending time with me, b/c isn't that what I WANT? Well, again, he's shooting blanks b/c he's trying in the WRONG direction for ME at this point. I need more than watching an episode of "24" once a week, and an H who will not come to bed with me at the same time, even if God on High came down to tell him to. I need physical touch like nobody's business, especially now.

And I said to H point blank, this whole affair plays right into my triggers (rejection, left-out, unworthy, less-than) and he of all people should know that (from my FOO/childhood).

The fact that we were in an SSM pre-A, and I'm thinking it's mostly H's problem (low SD, his FOO issues, or whatever), then he has an A (requiring time, effort, and passion) so gosh, no, it must be ME (see above negative adjectives)...

...he leaves OW and returns to the M, but we continue to have an SSM? WTF? where did all of his passion/emotions go? They surfaced, I witnessed them, you can't deny you have them. It's like the Lost Colony: poof! disappeared. <insert suicidal tendencies here> j/k

Anyway, that's the take-home from last night's weepfest. All perspectives (and affirmation catchphrases) welcome.