Speaking from one man's perspective, it's REALLY hard for me to understand that my W may want me to hold her when she's upset, especially if she's upset AT ME. Sometimes I think this is one of the WORST places where women expect a man to read her mind. If my W could just find it within herself to just TELL me what she needs, I would be totally disarmed and not defensive/angry at all, which I almost ALWAYS was before all this happened. Then, in the course of the R talks we have had, I find out that all this time, all my W wanted was for me to hold her when she was crying/upset. She needed that from me and I gave her the opposite, not because I wanted to hurt her, or deny her what she wanted, but because stupidly, like most men, I thought what she wanted was for me to fix her. In fact, that was the farthest thing from what she wanted but she NEVER TOLD ME THAT, ESPECIALLY IN THE MOMENT. I suppose that is too much to ask for, but again, the one man's opinion is that if my W EVER just said "could you just hold me instead of trying to fix me?" I would have melted to her.
All I ever wanted, no matter how it came out, no matter how angry, aggressive, p/a, defensive, etc. I was towards my W when she was upset, was to do right by her, to "fix her" but most of all, to be what she needed at the time. I just never knew, even after all these years, that all she needed was a hug.
BI, all I am saying to you is to be SURE your H understands what you want from him. I can't say he's anything like me, or that I am anything like most men, but from what I have read and experienced, this idea that men try most everything else BUT simply, quietly, being there for a woman in the form of a hug/embrace, is almost universal.
Tell the man what you want, simply, in the moment and then let him give it to you if he's capable. If he's not, don't punish him for it, but also don't keep trying get it once he's demonstrated unwillingness or the lack of ability to meet your needs.
One last time, when I feel like I am the cause of my W's angst, and that is a LOT since another truism about men is that we often think our W's world revolves around us and they can't POSSIBLY be upset unless WE caused it, I can't IMAGINE what she really wants is for me to hold her. Even two nights ago, after her telling me that all these years, she just wanted me to hold her when she was upset, I found it damn near impossible to break through my fear/misunderstanding and just stop talking long enough to do it. When I did, she was asleep within 10 minutes. I swear, it still seems like a miracle I will never understand.
