My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2

[MuddleThrough]

BI, I don't think he can get to that compassionate place yet. I think he might be in a place where he's wondering what he made the choice for, where the good is in this relationship. I think you both need to focus on the positives that ARE there, because there are plenty, and not on what you'd like to see there, or rather the absence of the fantasy good that you're looking for, and displeased that you're not seeing. Make sense? That's probably a record run-on! You NEED to have fun together - this whole ordeal is so stressful that everything seems like it's under this cloud and you BOTH are looking for a way out of this situation. I think now you both recognize that this situation isn't the M, but it's up to you to start seeing what the M IS (and inject a little of the spin you'd like to see on it) and start acting as if, and moving towards this.

You know, what you said about "I want a man who..."? Well, I have thought a few times about this - when I got married I gave up the right to want someone who is different. I mean, the time for finding the "right" type of person is over, so what's the use in wanting what you can't have (not that your husband can't be what you want -he just isn't there right now)? I once read something very wise - "the secret to happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have." This is really what we control. This focus on appreciation really inspires happiness and joy, and that is the basis of a good relationship.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't want him to hold you - I'm sure he will once things get better - but to dwell on it hurts you, and your hurt hurts him. When he sees your hurt he has a couple of choices: he gets defensive (and part of his defense mechanism might be to shut you out completely - the "I don't care" approach), it might be to try and fix everything, or something else entirely. I think that he's not in a place where he can face his contribution to your pain yet. I don't think he's forgiven himself, and therefore his defense is to defend himself from his guilt, trivializing your pain, and not taking responsibility for any part in creating or helping you through it. Forgive him again, and let go of it yourself. After all, I think a big part of your renewed pain is a cry for action from him. You don't want to be in pain, do you? Manage your emotions, let him manage his, and continue to be patient, working on that which you can control. Be more concerned with YOUR contribution to the M than his. When you can fight about how you both are not satisfied with your own work on the M, you'll be in the right place!