My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2

[MuddleThrough]

He told me in the R talk that he feels like he's made all the changes in how he relates to me since January, and that I have not. That I'm waiting for H to do all the work and when it feels "safe", I'll jump in. That I've been the one wanting to leave since he ended the A and he's had to talk me down to stay. That I'm smothering him, and trying to control the outcome/changes, which makes him back off and retreat. Which makes me move more toward him b/c, hey, where's he going? i need to go see what he's doing, where his head is, check his browser history/email/iTunes/whatever Bad cycle. All true. And now he's worn out.

How much communication between you regarding what you both want changed? Have you come up with an action plan? Something that will allow you to mark your progress? I think this is really the only way to go - even for yourself. You need to know you are trying, and to do so you need to be able to measure your results. You can't change what you don't know, and you can't grow what you don't measure. It doesn't sound very romantic, but I think this is something that Michele emphasizes in her books.

I will tell you that I've not checked sh!t on him since the youtube stuff and this last talk. What good is it doing? I'm certainly not reassured, forGodssake. And it is going to have to be God who steps in here not Freaky Wife, party of one.

You know, I have really been looking at the concept of redirection through this sitch. I think it's always better to redirect your energy and focus to a beneficial place rather than to try and stop focusing on something that's detrimental. If you need to be reassured that something bad is not happening, because you are allowing yourself to conjure up images of these things, then you are not focusing on positive change that you can bring about. Come up with a way that you can be comfortable directing yourself internally. I think that if you always look for an obstacle that's external to you to blame for not doing what you agreed to it's only an excuse. Don't look for excuses, look for opportunities.

So my conundrum (Sp?) is this: the elusive middle ground.
For example: If I kiss him goodnight instead of waiting for him to do it, am I
'in his space' too much, or am I not waiting for him to do something and then reacting, and doing it myself? Do you see my sticky wicket?

Yes, I can really relate to this. No easy answer, especially because the right thing is relative to his moods and feelings. My perspective on this is: do what you want to do. If you want to give him a kiss, do it. Don't debate the consequences of your actions too much. I think you should express yourself, as someone who has a lot to give, and not use your actions to convey expectations to him.

After we both spoke of wanting a new M, not the old one, nothing like we had, and giving it 2 months before re-evaluating.... I feel impotent as far as change. We are just tiptoeing around each other and barely seeing each other (secondary to work right now, but I doubt it would be much different if I hadn't worked this week).

Planning. Plan dates, create routines where none existed before. Communicate your desire to spend time together. When you say tiptoeing, I think fear. What are you afraid of?