My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2

[believing_isaiah43]

My gosh, what a roller coaster of emotions I ride (like many of us here, I realize).

I remember thinking with relief when I found my H, and we got marrried, I was so abundantly thankful that I wouldn't have to have those horrible broken-hearted feelings anymore (as with previous Rs) b/c we had found each other and committed for life and there was finally someone who loved me enough (and vice-versa) to feel safe and loved forever. I got all teary typing that thought, b/c I had forgotten about it until now. It was such a happy thought at the time, and such an 'emotional exhale', if you KWIM.

I now feel like I've been 'holding my breath' emotionally, by comparison. I so want to exhale, ya'll.

Since the "talk" of oh, 4-ish days ago, H has stopped leaving me happy face notes to find in the morning, with a heart drawn at the end. He has stopped initiating kisses hello/goodbye by about 50%. When I work night shifts, he usually will say "call me later" and he has quit and said "see you in the morning" last night. I thought, well, okay. in the interest of space I guess I won't call him tonight from work. Well, by gum, at midnight the phone on the unit rings and it's H. I must have sounded like a startled stuttering toddler for the first minute, b/c I was so surprised. I am constantly amazed by stuff I know from reading, but when it actually applies in real life to my circumstances, I'm dumbfounded (back off, he'll move toward you. however tiny)

I told him this morning that It was nice of him to call me at work. He said previously that I had not been acknowledging/giving him credit for what he DID do, only what he DIDN'T. And not about what he was doing for the kids, around the house, or that kind of stuff (which is what I'd been doing previously, b/c it is the easiest to see/quantify I guess), but he really wanted to be acknowleged for what he was doing/attempting for the RELATIONSHIP. and I dropped the ball there, only seeing the R glass half-empty and b*tching about what wasn't there.

Ya'll. If I can't be a good example, let me be your horrible warning.

It feels so cold and prickly here. Very civil and 'nice' with undercurrents of hopelessness (so similar to the feelings when the A was ongoing. It is NOT, but our dynamic feels the same like this elephant in the room we cannot see each other through). Thank God for the ability to vent and be scared here with ya'll, instead of taking my crazy a$$ On Tour here locally.

Can't sleep. Work night shift again tonight (3rd and final, thank God) which, as you know, disconnects me from everyone I love. Sleep all day, gone all night. Sux.

H and I drove the kids to school together, didn't say much on the way home, altho all was 'pleasant' and he cheerfully tells me 'good night' while I get ready for sleep. and no kiss. again. He told me in the R talk that he feels like he's made all the changes in how he relates to me since January, and that I have not. That I'm waiting for H to do all the work and when it feels "safe", I'll jump in. That I've been the one wanting to leave since he ended the A and he's had to talk me down to stay. That I'm smothering him, and trying to control the outcome/changes, which makes him back off and retreat. Which makes me move more toward him b/c, hey, where's he going? i need to go see what he's doing, where his head is, check his browser history/email/iTunes/whatever Bad cycle. All true. And now he's worn out.

I will tell you that I've not checked sh!t on him since the youtube stuff and this last talk. What good is it doing? I'm certainly not reassured, forGodssake. And it is going to have to be God who steps in here not Freaky Wife, party of one.

So my conundrum (Sp?) is this: the elusive middle ground.
For example: If I kiss him goodnight instead of waiting for him to do it, am I
'in his space' too much, or am I not waiting for him to do something and then reacting, and doing it myself? Do you see my sticky wicket?

After we both spoke of wanting a new M, not the old one, nothing like we had, and giving it 2 months before re-evaluating.... I feel impotent as far as change. We are just tiptoeing around each other and barely seeing each other (secondary to work right now, but I doubt it would be much different if I hadn't worked this week).

Do I sound like a complete basket case, or am I making sense on some planet? Anyone?