One of the things to keep in mind, since you and I are/were the LDs of the R.... developing this female side of you is often nothing one would ever get excited about because all it would do is bring on, in more force, the same type of behavior from your H that you have been avoiding.
When I was in my M... it wasn't like I didn't like wearing pretty bras/panties, etc., etc... but... I often avoided it because all it brought on was even MORE groping, snide remarks, fights, etc. So for me... I never felt... SAFE. I did not feel encouraged, I did not feel nurtured... all it did was create more problems for me, which probably went a long way in cementing even further my misguided notions.
But that was my own fault because I had let the M get to such a state through magnified anger, resentment, piss-poor boundaries, etc., etc. So... I can't place all blame on not feeling safe.
OTOH... part of BEING a woman is LOSING the anger, resentment, and learning how to establish appropriate boundaries, for the more confident and at-ease you become in your own skin... the more...hmmmm... 'relaxed?' your man becomes? HE begins to trust you more... that you AREN'T going to wig out if he grabs you in a way you don't like... because YOU have control over that if you understand your womanly center.... you... uh... correct? him in a way that is playful and non-threatening (and when I say 'correct,' I mean you state your preference on how you WOULD like to be touched that feels good to both of you)... but if you don't want to be touched right now, you let him know... gentley, and give him some clue on when you WOULD be ready to be touched.
The notion of RESPECT can guide you. Respect would never say, "get the fck off me." Respect would never give a loud, audible sigh, an eye roll, a body shrug, a move away, a slam of the meat you are dethawing on the counter... RESPECT, first and foremost, guides you gently, but firmly, to say what you need to say in that moment, without it feeling like a slap in the face to him. Make any sense?
I think you're right Corri, I don't feel safe. I censor a lot of what I say and do. I frequently dumb down my conversation because H is intimidated by words he doesn't know the meaning of.
I was watching "The Big Lebowski" and relized that the character Walter, played by John Goodman, is the big screen version of my H. Goodman uncannily replicated my H's reaction to anything he doesn't like. If you haven't seen it check it out here. If you have, you will get a sense of having a disagreement with my H. There is no being heard no matter what point(s) I have to make.
My friends tell me to leave him, but where would I go? I have no siblings, no parents, no in-laws, no marketable skills. The only family member I have, my grandmother, depends on me. It looks like I am stuck with this situation until my children are grown. And you bet your bippy that if things don't improve, I'll be out of here faster than you can say divorce lawyer. Until then, I will do my best to make the best of the sitch.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
(and when I say 'correct,' I mean you state your preference on how you WOULD like to be touched that feels good to both of you)... but if you don't want to be touched right now, you let him know... gentley, and give him some clue on when you WOULD be ready to be touched.
This is SOOOO important. I remember that just before I left on vacation, I asked W for sex and she gave some tart, angry response. That really ticked me off! We talked it through and I told her exactly what you are saying now, that she was being disrespectful and insensitive to me. Turning me down like that hurt my feelings and made me angry. I told her she should not be angry with me for desiring her, but instead should be thankful.
She seemed to have a lightbulb go off in her head (Duh! She can be so THICK sometimes!) In the future she then agreed to turn me down by saying she did not want sex now because she was tired, etc., but could we do it at some future time, and to be sensitive to my request. Well, at least that’s what I’m hoping for….
If this is your reaction to her realization that you have a valid point, she might have a hard time agreeing with you even when you are right on target.
Can you think of ways to request sex that don't give her an opening for an angry response?
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Quote: people are comfortable in there own skin reguardless of what they have on there back feet or face
This is a club I would gladly join when I get there.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
That’s hard to do. I know that when it comes to asking for sex, I need to be civil, so I try to ask in a non-demanding but straight forward and honest way. She seems best with this approach. I know W does not like it when I get angry and she is trying to do her part keep to control her anger too. But she really is clueless at times concerning men.
I think this example is a case in point and is where some of Dr. Laura comes into play. If I ask politely, it is her responsibility to either accept or turn down my request politely. She needs to be more connected to the fragility of the male ego, just as she is sensitive to women’s issues. Her being rude when turning me down is just mean spirited (and a projection on her part). So I see it being HER who really has to carry the responsibility here. It is my responsibility to maintain proper boundaries and not tolerated this kind of disrespect.
For me to worry about tailoring my requests so that I don’t make her angry is to go back to walking on eggshells. I’ve been there before and will divorce in a heartbeat before going back to those days!
Quote: OTOH... part of BEING a woman is LOSING the anger, resentment, and learning how to establish appropriate boundaries, for the more confident and at-ease you become in your own skin... the more...hmmmm... 'relaxed?' your man becomes? HE begins to trust you more... that you AREN'T going to wig out if he grabs you in a way you don't like... because YOU have control over that if you understand your womanly center.... you... uh... correct? him in a way that is playful and non-threatening (and when I say 'correct,' I mean you state your preference on how you WOULD like to be touched that feels good to both of you)... but if you don't want to be touched right now, you let him know... gentley, and give him some clue on when you WOULD be ready to be touched.
Quote: But she really is clueless at times concerning men. She needs to be more connected to the fragility of the male ego, just as she is sensitive to women’s issues. Her being rude when turning me down is just mean spirited...
Call me stupid or "thick" but I didn't know or understand for years that my saying no hurt H's ego. I thought (and still do think) H was/is the most attractive man around, a great guy, MHO, I just wasn't in the mood. I really, honestly, never gave a thought that he felt rejected when I said no. And sometimes when H wouldn't accept no and kept trying thinking a different plan of attack would work...well the no got louder and ruder. It wasn't until I started reading all of the R books that the lightbulb went off and I realized sex was connected to love for my H, his approach (not the deed) and consistant effort always came across as if it was a pesky NEED (like scratching an itch) not a desire. Does your W make or know the rejection/ego connection? NR
