Quote: a definition for what is "being controlling"
I could use a definition to being controlling in an R as well. I did a quick search on the Internet for some standard therapist type definition, but I don't know if there's one out there. If someone knows a three sentence or less definition of "controlling behavior" please post!
Quote: Don't women see a man that "takes charge" as attractive? But it seems when it suits a WAW or another then the label "you're trying to control me" comes out? What is the difference/where is the line drawn?
A very good point. All the R books I've skimmed through lately refer to this phenomenon. A woman often falls in love with a man who "takes charge." But after the in-love hormones have burned themselves out, that "take charge" atitude now comes off as controling behavior.
The qualities we fall in love with in our new spouse turn into the qualities we can't stand. I loved that my H was gentle and quiet. Now I hate that he is passive and refuses to deal with problems. He loved that I was independent and had an opinion of my own. Now he hates that I don't always put house and family first and disagree with him (on almost everything). Blah, blah, blah...
Controlling can mean all kinds of things. In many cases, I think if you could meet your partner's emotional needs their controlling behavior (what ever it is) would diminish. Because we often try to control people to force them to meet our needs. We try to control people because we are insecure about their love for us. So we try to force them to prove that they love us.
Like Imago therapy, where we subconsciously pick out a partner who has the same negative traits as a parent. We see them as a surogate parent, then try to heal our childhood wounds by forcing our surogate parent to love us in the way our parent didn't.
Deep, deep, all very deep. So when a partner is trying to control us they are just showing symptoms of having unmet emotional needs. So if my H tries to control me by saying I can not use childcare or pursue my writing interests, perhaps that is just a symptom of an unmet emotional need. Perhaps once I can fill that need, his controling behavior will diminish and our career/family situation will be more workeable. Of course, H listed his #1 need as sexual fulfillment, so it's not suprising that he may still be displaying symptoms of unmet needs (and it's probably a good sign that he's not fulfilling his needs elsewhere!).
Well, that's a nice little epiphany for me! Thanks very much for the space on your thread. I'll cancel that invoice for $69.95. We're even.
p.s. don't know if you got anything at all out of this. I've come down with posters' fatigue again so I have to sign off.
