Hmmm...RonJon, seems like you're swinging on the dating women thing. And it seems to be all about the xW, not because you really would like to spend time with an interesting, worthwhile person. I'd go back and paste your quote in, but I'm too lazy...I'm sure you recently told me it was better to go it alone while you figure out what's going on in your head than try to fill the wound up with another person. And you said that's what you'd decided for yourself.
Not that I'm criticizing you for swinging. Not at all. I swing with the best of them. It just seems as though you are letting yourself be ruled by your xW's actions even though she's thousands of miles away. I can certainly undestand still being burned about your xfrriend/OM. But, just out of curiousity, how do you think you would feel/react if xW left OM, but started up with someone else?
I'm only saying this because I think we've built up a little raport and I fully understand I'm the pot calling the kettle black...but, you still have a lot of anger, control issues to deal with. I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do while you deal with those issues, but they're definately there.
So, I'll be going back to my little thread now to deal with my issues...later today sometime.
Re-read my post and yes, it does sound that way, was not my intent. What I meant to say was I think I'm ready to go out and meet new women, have some fun enjoying myself and hopefully they will too. Its gotta beat staying home or going out with the guys. There is an xw factor in that too but that's not what its all about or even primarily about.
Not looking to latch onto anybody or anybody latching on to me so will still be an independent/alone person but with more social activities going on.
I've asked myself many times about the what if xw left om and started with someone else and despite being in denial alot over the past year, really think I'd be better about things overall. If she gets out and dates more guys she'd have a better perspective of things and yes, would like her to share in what I've learned about independence and I don't mean that in a spiteful way but believe she'd be able to grow as a person as I've done and we'd have shared that experience. Still wouldn't be 100% satisfied about the situation but would be a lot better. And without om the relationship with her kids would be much better and I want that for them, not her.
If you think I've got anger issues now you would not have wanted to know me a couple years ago. The only thing that really gets me angry anymore is the om and the sneaky way he infiltrated an dsplit up my M & family. I'm missing the control part, trying to better myself and don't want to try and control anyone, have not told xw or anyone (except my kids which I have to as a good parent) what to do or how to live their life so where does the control part come in? My dating may include some "see, I can too" "jealous?" but doing what I want, not what I think xw wants or doesn't. I post here mostly when frustrated but the other 99% of my day has nothing to do with xw. All that said, thanks for the insight and please keep it coming, more knowledge only makes me better. RonJon
I think that sometimes we try to fill up the space that our spouses left with someone or something. Maybe, we should try to be OK with the space left over. I know that I was frantic to take classes, work out, meet with friends, find something or someone to occupy the time that would have been spent with LSS. I knew that he had moved on and was busy makinga life with OW. He was so busy he didn't miss me...or at least that is what I thought. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't but I need to alow myself the time to miss him and the relationship. I needed to learn to be comfortable without a bunch of things to fill up the space. Maybe instead of doing things so that your X knows you are busy and desirable, you might want to do things to find yourself desirable. Does that make sense? Maybe you should be the motivation instead of your X.
fig, I get you and am totally on board. Went through the frantic stage probably last Feb/Mar and after a year and a half since the separation (Sep 05) of allowing myself the time to my own space/no R, am ready to start dating again which in my guy mind, makes me more desireable or at least reaffirms that I'm there. Does that make sense?
So how long has it been for you in your situation? And what are you doing to fill up your space (guess I should just check your thread, lol)? Remember what you mean by when I used to be figity about the breakup and always felt like I had to be doing something to keep my mind off it but that too was many months ago, am comfortable with myself now. Still going through MLC so stressors will come at me now and again but don't worry about things like I used to in the past.
Anyway, have been working out, kept the weight loss from the initial stress out off and am in best shape since high school. Finishing up my Master's degree, in my last class now, which is a new time-hole I'm going to need to fill but do have some books on my list and like to sit out on the beach and read. Recently got a promotion at work so going to back off there too which will open more time holes. Looking now to do some activities with the company of a woman for the two of us and if anything comes out of it with the xw, well then that's just gravy. My primary motivation is to go out, have a good time and a few laughs (trying to uncomplicate my life). would add that I don't really think or care about what xw does on a day to day basis but then I'd sound like I'm too defensive. Thanks for the input, RonJon p.s. Maybe she finally got/read my Dear Jane letter because she stopped calling (so far).
Well...brief summary of my life so far (taking a deep breath) LSS (what I call my Lying Sack of Crap XH) came home in Feb of 2006 and told me ILYBINILWY and left. I found out the day before mother's day that he had been living with OW since he left and also found out that he was a diagnosed sociopath (yup...for real) and have contacted him 1x since then for an insurance question. We were together for 7 years (he is not my children's bio-dad, just the only dad they knew) He had been plotting to leave for a very long time and left me with 6-7 mths over due bills, no money in the account and he took the new car!!!! (Isn't he the SWEETEST?) I wa sworking part-time and searching for a teaching job. Finally, 2 weeks before he new school year, I was hired at a great school, moved 2 1/2 hours away to a great little town, got my life under control and have been enjoying everything since then!!! In the very beginning, I tried to fill every second of time because I was so distraught over everything. I totally hear you on the stress induced weight loss!!!
I think that we all know when the time is right to start dating again. We just have to listen to ourselves. I have learned to enjoy my life as I have learned to slow down. I hated that frantic out of control phase where I practically had to remind myself to breath.
Your right, a lot of time holes opened up for me after I go tmy job and moved. I am looking for a fun class to join (as a single mom...my life has a sort of routine...and I discovered that I am really an intorvert after describing myself as an extrovert for years!!!!...so I actually need to try to seek out things to bring me into contact with people)
One of my resolutions has been to meet more people an be thankful for the ones that have come into my life...and to recognize the reasons they came into it.
I actually feel rather silly for still calling LSS, LSS!!! I think about him so little and whenI named him that, I think he still had some sort of power over me...he had the power to make me feel wronged, the power to hurt me. He doesn't have that any more (yippee)
I don't know when I will be ready to actually "date" someone again but I have read on here...the almost frantic desire some people have to move on and the anger that is behind it.(I'm not suggestiing or implying that I felt that way from your post)I guess, I was expressing that sentiment in my response to you. the question of why finding someone new is the true testiment that soemone has moved on...does that make sense?
Quote: the question of why finding someone new is the true testiment that soemone has moved on...does that make sense?
Yes, that does make sense and is a very deep question to me it seems. There are so many reasons a person starts dating again, one of them is to "prove" theyv'e moved on, another may be to make WAS jealous (or think), may just be time, may be that frantic time, to prove they still have it, the list goes on an on.
Having already gone through the frantic, just need to date someone phase many months ago, which thankfully for my potential dates, I never went out on (canxd), because like you put, have seen many times posted here as not good and is not for the right reason. Think in my case, it's more of "it's just time" and time to deal with the reality of the situation. Definitely no anger involved for me with my meeting and going out to spend time women. Will have the anger with the om until that situation is resolved but realize I have no control in that and to think I do or say/try anything would very likely only make things worse from my perspective.
Would not even call my motivation as trying to find someone new since that implies replacing the level or R I had and that is yet another phase it will take me quite a while to get to. For now, just some light conversation and shared activities to build on my already full life.
Here's to your resolutions and may things work out for us in 2007, I post my dating on the "Surviving the big D" board and this one for interactions with the xw which may be on the periphery but helps me organize my thoughts. RonJon
I think that that is awesome. Everyone will know when they are ready to do anything if they listen hard enough.
Here's to a 2007 free of my own agenda!!!! (clink clink)
I think you will have a great time going out and meeting new people. I like how you are entering into it with no expectations. I also get a little hitch in my throat when I read about people searching for the right one again. Good grief....we've all been through a big trauma!!!!! You wouldn't expect a person who lost both legs to be able to run a 300 mile marathon a year after it happened, why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to find "the next one" before we've let our hearts heal? (Not even close to implying that's what you are doing...just venting "out loud" )
I think that dating should be fun...pressureless...get to know other people not a frantic search for the next one!!!!
Thanks for letting me vent that out...oof da...it's just the pressure I feel from some of my friends who think I should "get out there." And who don't get that I am finally having a good time just being with myself.
The dating scene goes well, lots of compatibles out there but finding one in the same frame of mind is trickier than I'd thought. What I mean by that is have gone out with one that was in that frantic "looking for the one and only soulmate" frame of mind and another that must have been expecting fireworks or explosions from the first time her eyes meet Mr. Special. I'm just looking to relax and meet people I could end up liking and having fun along the way. Not looking for the next one or THE one or the right one.
On the subject line, the xw called again and again I caved in, just was nice/pleasant and wasn't blunt with her or to the point that I don't want to be just friends. Realized that it's probably just not in me so have come up with yet another plan. When she calls now, I'll make a gesture like sending her something, a card, a gift, flowers, whatever and thank her for calling/caring and does that mean she wants to give us a try. I figure one of 3 things will happen, either she will stop calling (fine), she will respond in the positive (even finer), or she will ingore whatever I send and still call like she never got anything (possible with her, least desireable response). At this point need to try another tunnel for the cheese and this has a 2 out of 3 chance of working. Thoughts?
One point I could use some advice on that has been a recurruing theme on these boards is a definition for what is "being controlling". Meaning isn't anything we do that affects another's outcome controlling? The only other option is to do nothing and just always go with the flow or be controlled. Don't women see a man that "takes charge" as attractive? But it seems when it suits a WAW or another then the label "you're trying to control me" comes out? What is the difference/where is the line drawn? For example, like sending flowers, you'd think they'd like them and the sender would like a positive response but is that trying to control? or is it just the ultimatums or "orders" thing like "we'll never go out to a bar together"?
OK, enough for now, everyone take care and have fun, RonJon
RonJon- I've gotta rush to get ready for work, but just wanted to chime in quickly.
I'm not at all suprised about the dating scene and finding that the women are taking it more seriously and looking for "the one," while you just want to relax and meet people without expectations. I don't know many women who can truly go out with a relaxed attitude and start dating just the see what it's like without having expectations. If they do, it's probably because they have someone in the wings like you do. You're still hoping on your xw, which means you don't have a lot wrapped up in the women you date.
I don't know how all that effects how you should be going out and dating. But, interestingly, if I was EVER to be able to go out and date in a casual way without looking for "the one," it would be now. Because I'm hoping on my H. It makes me want to try it. I'd love to be able to date with no expectations. Maybe dating would actually be fun!??! But that's another story...
Hmmm, not sure what the take away from your post is. Does it mean that most women are only interested in dating guys that are looking for "the one"? Can someone thousands of miles away be considered "in the wings" and without expectations from xw is she any different from other women going out with also with no expectations? Isn't there always someone in the wings i.e. always more fish in the sea? The dates have been fun but never ending with the thought like "I could marry this one". You're right that I don't really have a lot wrapped up in the women I date but it may be fearing the burn more than anything so not putting the heart out there. Do see that may come off as not interested which is a lot of what I'm looking for (a gal that seems interested in me) when I'm out on a date. So your post has resulted in some deep thoughts and progress, thank you very much.
Intersted on what you've got to post about the other stuff. Till then, RonJon
Thanks for the input, RonJon p.s. Maybe she finally got/read my Dear Jane letter because she stopped calling (so far). 
