Should I even be here?

[JSD]

Ronj,

I am sorry to hear that. I think we both need to move forward. If our spouses catch up great, if not so be it.

Here is an update from Christmas. Wife spent Christmas eve with me and then all day at my mom's for Christmas. No problems. I unfortunately pushed to hard Christmas night. She got defensive and pushed back.

Christmas was very nice. We had a great time. We shopped, went to church and she spent the day with my family. We had fun and laughed a lot. It was a great day.

Unfortunately, I pressured her. She said it is over. I said do you want me out of your life? She said I think I have made that clear at mediation, at counseling and I am divorcing you. She said that she does not trust me. She thinks I am disingenuous. I am manipulating. I am hunting her. That I want something. I said I want to give. I want to support her in whatever she wants.

She said she wants to be friends. She wants to be great co-parents. She wants to fix herself. She says I can't do it. She wants me to stop pressuring her and to give her space. She needs time.

I said so it is over, "She says apparently so." She said it kills her to have to keep say that. She wants me to stop putting her in a position to have to say it.

She said she is not ready to date me. She is not ready to trust. She said she is the Grinch with a black heart and I will not be the one to open it. She said somebody will love her in the future for who she is. She said she doesn't think that I have changed and that six months is not enough time to prove it.

She was mad that we talked for an hour. She was mad that she still looks like the bad guy with the kids. She said she does not have to tell me why she won't come back, why she won't give me a chance, and why she does anything. She doesn't have to answer anything I say.

She wants to do her thing and travel around the world and play. I am suppose to pick up her pieces. I said give me the kids.

I said there has to be somebody else. I said all of your friends have given their husbands second chances why not me? She said because I am done. She said there is nobody else.

I said I want to serve her. She said what do you get out of it. I said if I serve you then at some point you will start to love me again. She said no. I am not willing to take that chance. I said what chance you have my mom, Joel and Kathy, my counselor and a lot of other people who will not let me fall back into my ways. She said no way.

I said your parents were so bad to you and you forgave them. She said I take my parents in small doses when I want on my terms. So that is what I get ( I thought that).

Her plan is to play. To travel around the world and be mommy when it is convenient for her. She is a rebelling child. You have to give her enough rope to hang herself. I will be there to pick up the pieces. I am facilitating her by doing it your way. I can't focus on her anymore. She is unreachable. I have to let her go if I want her back. She said it is so many words. It is more pressure and she hates it. On a positive, she did get angry and tell me how bad I was. A warp way of opening up.

Happy New Year/And to a better 2006

Jeff