JSD, No real advice, just an opinion in that I do believe at some point everybody has there "have it out" day, I know mine is coming, may even be later today. The air has to be cleared before any progress can be made even if that means taking one step back to take two forward.
Mine uses the term that I make her feel "uncomfortable", not anxious. My response has been to be more relaxed and cheerful, just the kind of person anybody would want to be around. A lot of it has to do with body language and just trying not to care so much about outcomes/expectations, guess what I'm trying to say is minimize the drama.
Good luck, will let you know how it turns out with me, RonJon
JSD I'm living the same nightmare as you. She dropped the bomb Feb. 3, 2006, wanted "space" so I moved out early March. But at all social functions we were the perfect family, especially at school functions. Sat with me at son's football games and daughter's volleyball games. All very nice. Our friends and neighbors didn't even know we were separated; she didn't want anyone to know.
I lived at my office (I have a shower and kitchen), didn't spend anything on myself and sent home every dime. She's not working. Her commission sales job got her lots of positive strokes from guys and a TV news conference but little $$. Now she's looking for a job with great pay, great benefits and flexible hours so she can be the soccer mom, but nothing so far.
Then, October 24th she filed D and served me. Went to court Nov. 14th for temporary orders and judge (female) decided I didn't have to send home 100% of my income, only 55%. My wife was/is in shock. Judge didn't seem very sympathetic. Told my wife that my wife wanted the divorce so my wife must figure out how to pay her own bills. Since then, my wife barely communicates with me and only regarding money. Won't respond to my emails inquiring about Christmas kids' schedules. Has the kids answer if I call or has the kids call me if she has a question. Leaves the room when I come to the door to get the kids. Total hostility.
Until we went to court I was living in two worlds; the happy normal family appearance in public yet I live at the office while she and our kids maintain regular household routine in our home and Dad sends home all the $$. Strange duality.
In a way, the clear hostility she exhibits now is easier to deal with. I know where I stand and can start to move on to an independent life.
Sorry for the long post but once the cork is pulled, it all seems to come out. Your description of the happy public facade was so apt to my situation. Good luck but I don't think the road will get any easier. Your minister gave you good advice about being nice though I disagree that showing her you've changed will improve her attitude. But as a wise friend of my counseled, also remember you are an example for your kids on how to weather adversity.
I have decide to get off the bus. I can not take it any longer. I will help her when asked. I will not be overally available nor will I ask her to do things. I will show her AGAPE love, but will not be desparate or needy. I will get my nose out of her ass. I am worth more than that. I will help with the kids when I can but will not go out of my way.
Hillcountry
[color:"red"]I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
Quote: I have decide to get off the bus. I can not take it any longer. I will help her when asked. I will not be overally available nor will I ask her to do things. I will show her AGAPE love, but will not be desparate or needy. I will get my nose out of her ass. I am worth more than that. I will help with the kids when I can but will not go out of my way.
Exactly what you should be doing. Take care of you for you.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
Did finally decide to have it out with xw, sent the:
Quote: Sometimes I feel like reaching through the monitor and shouting, of course I'm upset with you, you ran off with some worm, tore our family apart, how could I not be upset!
e-mail and she sent back some bs about how they "were" just friends but are now "seeing" each other.
By getting things at least a little in the open, we'll see if the affair can stand the light of day. Children will all be here, D19 is coming in tomorrow, for Xmas so she will have some time to think about things more. Maybe she'll come around, maybe not. Life goes on and like the good advice here states, we need to do whats go for us and let the chips fall where they may. RonJon
Sometimes they contniue to believe the lies they have been telling themselves. I know my wife does. I have really backed off. I don't even know if we will spend Xmas together. Thats fine, it is her problem. I am moving on. I am buying a house. I am finally admitting that it is over. That is ok. I will be fine. RonJon, remember take care of yourslf.
No expectations,
JSD
Hillcountry
[color:"red"]I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
D19 is in, "family" is all together, cruise for 7 days starting tomorrow, all is as well as can be expected. No expectations towards xw and feel that is the way it should be. Time to cut the ties and move on, any moves from here on out would have to come from her. RJ
TLAs & all, Hope your holiday went well for everyone. Me and my three children had a very nice one together. The cruise was lots of fun, made friends, did exciting activities.
On the xw front, had sent her a short e-mail Xmas eve figuring she wouldn't be calling me on Xmas and I sure wasn't going to call her not knowing if she was with om at the time or not. She did end up phoning me on the holiday, thought it was for talking to the kids when I answered but she had already talked to them. We had a short pleasant conversation, figured no need to make things go ugly on the big day, better memories that way. Was upset she was not here for the kid's sake and preferred to be with om instead of them. S14, the youngest, was the one most disappointed that she was not here with us but we managed to play things down for him rather than make a big deal out of it. Still, it was nice to get a personal phone call from her.
No expectations, figure low key is the way to go for now. New Year's resolution will be to not be "friends" as she wants to be, to rebuff her "friendliness actions" for as long as she is with the om or at least for the 1st three months (can focus on 90 days easier than an entire year to start with). Time to have her stop thinking she has me on the rope as a back-up or that we can "all get along" or whatever she may be thinking. Believe that is the way to eventually move forward at some point in the future. Happy holidays/New Year to everbody! RonJon
"I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason."
