Quote: Am I in the clear here . . or are ya gonna start the yelling
Ummmm...it's a little early in the day to know for sure so I'll get back with you on that.
Emily,
Something you have to understand is that you can't think so far in the future as far as how Kevin treats his relationship with the girls. It's just not something you will ever be able to shield them from and you can't pull off trying to be Mommy AND Daddy. They'll hurt because of him if he doesn't change. The best you can do is love them through it and always reassure them that they are worthy and it is their father that is missing out. He will SO regret it later. Time has a way of ENSURING that. Emily, don't ever speak bad about Kevin in their presence. EVER. You think I don't want to tell my kids their Daddy is a freakin' slug for draggin his ass for so long? Heck yes I do. But I don't. Because he's their Daddy and I'm not going to put them in the position of having to defend him. They are children and he didn't do that when I was lost and I am not going to do it now.
Life itself, along with aging, changes people Emily. You do not know who Kevin will be next week, next month or next year. But you CAN know that you are growing and getting better & stronger in the meantime.
I would NEVER bad talk Kevin in front of the kids. I understand how damaging that would be.
But you are right people can change! So that's why I said when he grows up and starts showing THEM the respect they deserve he can be in their lives. Until then I think it's best he stays away.
OK now my Mom called and said that this is what happened lastnight:
The dog never came to bed (they have a little dog, Shih Tzu mix so he sleeps with them) and in the middle of the night he was barking. My Dad got up to let him out I guess. Mom said she heard him bumping into things and grumbling. So then she said she heard a HUGE crash (like a cupboard got ripped off the wall), then she heard an animal like noise (growling/groaning noise) and it kept getting louder. She thought a bear had come in the house or something . . . so she went downstairs to check it out. She said my Dad was laying with all this arms and legs straight to his sides (he hadn't even tried to stop the fall) and there was a HUGE ("CSI big" were here exact words) puddle of blood under his face. She thought he was dead. She checked and found a pulse at which point he asked what had happened. She got him cleaned up and back up into bed (it's like 5 stairs) and then his left arm started to hurt so they called my BIL and they all went to the ER. All of his tests (EKG, MRI, etc) came back normal, but they are keeping him overnight. He got he stiches because he bit right through his upper lip. So we'll see what happens.
Sorry to hear about your Dad. I will say some prayers for him.
I agree with what AmyC is telling you - deal with you and your girls. Let all of your worries about your H go. Your H is not ready for you and it seems anytime he is around or his says he will be around or call - you get a little "Wacky". Look back in your posts - you will see. When he is away from you you feel better, more independent, more focused on you. Anytime he says he calls and then doesn't or is supposed to stop by - you start obsessing and getting crazy....
It's okay, my W drives me crazy too ! But look at this no contact time as a time for Emily to build a stronger Emily - one that cannot be taken down by any word or action that your H does or says he will do. I think later down the road you may have a chance to make a decision about your R/M - but right now you don't. You may even find later that he simply is not for you - because he won't change. Unfortunately he has to want to change and quite frankly - he doesn't have it in him now.
Stay strong angel! You sound better and I hope you keep this momentum going. I will pray for your Dad.
I am so lonely today. I can't figure out what is wrong with me.
So terribly lonely. The regrets are all starting to fly now. I don't remember feeling this way before. I don't like it. Maybe it's just a new phase of letting go . . . BUT it's not one that I like.
I do miss him . . . but not so much HIM now . . it's the way things used to be, I miss having someone with me. I don't know. You know how people say, "Do you love him or the IDEA of him." It's that feeling. But I feel so damn lonely . . . and for some reason it feels like I'll feel this way forever. Anyone go through this???
I guess it's probably because tomorrow will mark a week of no contact with him and usually between one and two weeks he'll call . . . I think I'm worried that he won't. I'm worried that he really is done . . . so here's stupid me standing with the door open waiting to see if he comes back and he's gone for good . . and I never really got to make up my mind about loving him or not. I'm scared of letting him make that decision for me. What choice do I have though???
Been there, done that and am currently going through it again.
That's the thing I hate the most and I will run as long as I can to keep from crying.
That'll be right up until my head hits the pillow again tonight where I will cry myself to sleep.
I laid on the couch the other night watching tv and tears were just pouring down my face. I never made a sound. I can't even tell you what I was watching on TV because in my head I was only watching my marriage slip right through my hands.
THAT is BY FAR the WORST part of this NO MATTER which side of the fence you are on.
But Emily, this is where you're learning and growing.
I go through it every day. I try to stay busy so as not to think too much about being lonely. I hate sitting at home watching tv by myself, I hate going to bed by myself. I have a large stuffed teddy bear that I have dressed in my H's clothes and I sleep with it. I know that probably sounds strange, but it helps me.
It gets easier. The lonliness doesn't go away, but you tend to learn to live with it. I have my meltdowns where nothing anyone says or does helps. I cry over toilet paper commercials. The only thing we can do is cry and let it out. I always feel better after a good cry.
By crying I always feel like I am focusing too much on it. I guess it is the only way to let it all out. I went the other way . . .instead of keeping the BIG stuffed dog he gave me this year for V-Day I took it ALL out to the shed. There it sits with all the spiders and earwigs. I hope the damn thing rots. I am still too angry. Why he spent like 25 bucks on that dog when he was still technically dating her . . . it makes me mad to look at it. That's where all of our memories are. Except for the couple of pictures in my daughters scrapbooks and of course the peice of glass I think I got stuck in my foot from the one picture of us that shattered but the picture is stuck to the glass so it all just stays around. Everytime I step down I think of him. . . . it's like thorn stuck in your side . . . only it's glass in the ole foot. I mean I asked God for some sign as to what he wanted me to do. Not what I had in mind . . . pain. AYE! I don't even know if that's what it was . . .but it sure seems to fit. He causes me pain . . but just like the damn glass in my foot . . I can't get him out. Know what I mean. Sounds good Amy (getting drunk). . . I had a little to drink a couple nights ago . . just so I could actually get to sleep. I finished off my Jager (there wasn't but a shot left) . . . and had some So Co . . and had a few beers. Just enough to take the edge off. . . I felt much better. Said a prayer and fell asleep without crying for once.
Anywho . . . I just feel like I've run from these feelings so long and now I can't run anymore. It's a little overwhelming.
! But look at this no contact time as a time for Emily to build a stronger Emily - one that cannot be taken down by any word or action that your H does or says he will do. I think later down the road you may have a chance to make a decision about your R/M - but right now you don't. You may even find later that he simply is not for you - because he won't change. Unfortunately he has to want to change and quite frankly - he doesn't have it in him now. 