Quote: Why am I going to continue and sit and wait . . . when all the advice points to closing the door. Locking it and throwing the key out. I cannot continue on the merry-go-round.
I am trying to NOT throw that self-esteem on the back burner. I am trying to keep it from freezing over right now. You all yell and scream that I shouldn't want to be with him . . . but the second I make that choice . . you all freak out about that too. What the heck am I doing so wrong? I just must not get it.
This is going to sound weird but, don't shut the door on your marriage but don't sit and wait either. You need to let go and just live. You said something about living like you weren't married, that isn't the way to go. Just live for you and your daughters. Don't go out there looking for a new relationship of anything because all it will do is confuse you even more. I went down that path. After my H left, I was alone and miserable (just like you) and I thought a one night stand or another relationship is what I needed. It wasn't. Thank goodness I never did anything. I was looking for it though. Luckily, the person I was introduced to had higher standards than me and didn't take advantage of my vulnerable state. He and I have become friends and that is all. I don't know if I would have crossed the line with him if given the chance but I was thinking about it. The only thing it did for me was confuse me and make me question things even more. I do realize from that situation that I love my H more and won't do anything to jeopardize my marriage. (whats left of it anyway)
I think what you need to do right now is just accept that your H is not with you. You need to let go of all the hostility and move forward. I can tell you from reading your posts that even if your H came home it wouldn't work because you have so much anger built up that you would explode on him. Until you can learn to handle your anger, you need to stay away from him.
Don't contact him at all. He will contact you. Right now he knows you will call him or get in touch with him. He knows you are angry and he does a lot of this stuff to keep you that way. This is his way of controlling you. Don't let him do it. He knows you would take him back in a heart beat. Let him think you won't. If he calls, answer once in awhile and act as if nothing is wrong.
Do things to take your mind off of him. At first you think you can't do that but then when you do it comes as a shock. The first time I went a few hours without thinking about my H it upset me. I thought it was wrong of me to do that but it wasn't. I live a much healthier life now that I don't think of him 24/7. I can actually get out and enjoy myself at times. Of course certain things I do I tend to wish he was there beside me but then I just push it to the back of my head.
It gets easier. You will get stronger. Just give it time. We all have plenty of that!! You have to ask yourself if your marriage is worth saving. Do you want to be with your H? If you answered yes, then you need to just take some steps back and let go. Don't think of him. Don't think of her. Don't even think of the big "D" word. You made the comment that he hasn't filed because it was expensive...if he wanted to file, he would find a way to come up with the money. Heck, why would he file? He has his cake and eating it too. He has his OW that is with him now but has you to fall back on if that doesn't work out. You need to let him think you have moved on. Give him something to worry about. As long as he knows you are waiting for him, he won't ever make up his mind.
Do this for you and your girls. Your girls are the ones who suffer through this. Mine are older and I know the first year was the worst for them because of me. I cried all the time to the point of throwing up. I didn't want to do anything. I stayed in the house all the time and wouldnt go out. I finally realized I was doing them more harm than good. I needed to live again so they could live.
Go back and read some of your posts and you will see why everyone is confused about your reactions. You are so up and down with everything. Try not to even think about it. (easier said than done)
Go out today and if the sun is out, enjoy it. Go for a walk with your girls. Play a game with Felina. Enjoy your time with them. Sooner or later you will get a job and you won't have this time with them. Enjoy it while you can.
