You are focusing too much on HIM. You need to focus on you. Don't worry about a D or anything else to do with him. You are letting yourself get worked up again. He is out there having a good time while you are home with the kids. You need to let go. Letting go does not mean file for the D. Letting go means start living for you and the girls.
You are in for a long ride and you need to be prepared. As I was told in the beginning: Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I don't want you to think I am saying your H will never come home because I am not. Ask yourself, do you want your H to come home while he is in his own world? If he came home right now, he would make your life more miserable.
I think it was a good thing he didn't come by this weekend. You are not ready for it. You would have melted in his hands like chocolate. You need to be stronger before you confront him.
As hard as it is, try to go without thinking of him 24/7. When you stop living your life for the day he comes home then you will start living YOUR life again. You can always hope but not dwell on it.
Today marks 18 months that my H left and he has mentioned the D word quite a few times. He has not done anything about it yet. If they want a D, they would do it as soon as they could. These men don't know what they want. Your situation is a little more complicated since Cassie is involved. I don't have another woman in the picture. I can be thankful for that. Sometimes I feel it would be easier if there was another woman because then I would feel I had someone to compete with.
You are smarter and stronger than you think. A year ago I was the same as you. I thought of my H 24/7 and cried constantly. My life was a living hell. (not that it is 100% great right now) I have learned to live for me again. This separation has made me a stronger person. I have grown from it. I am a better person because of it. As weird as it seems, my H has become a better person and grown from it too.
Thanks t2sp. I really don't have time to just think about him 24/7. I used to a lot more than I do now to be honest. It's getting easier.
I think a lot of the problem is, that if he can move on with his life (I.E. being with her like they are married basically) then I don't understand why I "can't" just do the same. Please don't get me wrong . . until our D is final I wouldn't want to be with anyone else because it's really no different than what he is doing. EXCEPT that if I am just waiting for him to file then we both understand that our R is over. HE was with her while WE were suppose to be working on US.
I know I don't need another man right now. I guess I hate that I am just waiting for him and I can't even go on a date or anything . . . is it making sense?
I am moving on . . . I don't have a choice. I have to do new things often to keep myself and the girls taken care of. I certainly don't rely on him for anything . . although I can't wait to get that support. That will be a welcomed break.
I hope it slaps him in the face too. Might sound ignorant . . but maybe it'll make him understand that they ARE HIS RESPONSIBILITY even he never sees them. Well see how it goes.
I feel like I am in hole the depth of the grand canyon . . trying to start climbing just to get up Mt. Everest base height. I am feeling terribly frustraighted today. Angry really . . . . I don't understand why he always runs away . . he could have at least called. He would have given her that much. I HATE HIM SOMEDAYS and today is one of them. I had the worst dream . . . I mean it was just awful all around. Basically one of kids died and he missed everything. About a month after the funeral he finally called asking how everything was . . and I explained that I had tried to call and I had called his mother and no one ever got in touch with me. It was awful . . . I woke up crying. I just don't understand all the feelings I am having now. It's like I know I'll be fine without him, and I did FULLY expect him to this . . . . it's the way he did it again that hurts so much.
It's just a guess but I think you are at that last point before you will begin to detach. Sometimes detaching comes by the most basic instinct of self-preservation finally kicking in. Don't panic. It doesn't mean you won't still love him. It just means you will no longer be living for him and will finally start living for yourself.
I'm sorry and I know this is hard but you need to be exactly where you are.
" . . . nothing is forever. There's got to be something better than in the middle." That's from One Headlight - The Wallflowers.
I'm not panicked . . . but I am thinking about leaving this site. I love you all very much . . you've done so much for me. BUT I am tired of fighting this one man battle. I don't really feel that there is anything left to save. By staying here and doing all these thing I feel that I am hurting myself because I feel like I will do them all with the expectation of him EVENTUALLY (even if it took years) coming back. I don't want to wait years for him to make up his mind. I think it's time for me to make it up for him. It's time for me to leave his sorry a$$ the way he keeps leaving mine. Not that I really have a choice . . since he's done it once again. BUT I can choose to close the door and NOT let him coming knocking again.
I am simply done. That's my detachment. I'll be around for awhile . . while I cool off and think somemore. But I am just plain tired . . . through and through . . . I'm tired of waiting . . . I just want to be happy. I just want someone who will love the girls as much as I do. Someone who can REALLY be there .. . and he NEVER has. I'm ready to be done with him.
Quote: " . . . nothing is forever. There's got to be something better than in the middle." That's from One Headlight - The Wallflowers.
I'm not panicked . . . but I am thinking about leaving this site. I love you all very much . . you've done so much for me. BUT I am tired of fighting this one man battle. I don't really feel that there is anything left to save. By staying here and doing all these thing I feel that I am hurting myself because I feel like I will do them all with the expectation of him EVENTUALLY (even if it took years) coming back. I don't want to wait years for him to make up his mind. I think it's time for me to make it up for him. It's time for me to leave his sorry a$$ the way he keeps leaving mine. Not that I really have a choice . . since he's done it once again. BUT I can choose to close the door and NOT let him coming knocking again.
I am simply done. That's my detachment. I'll be around for awhile . . while I cool off and think somemore. But I am just plain tired . . . through and through . . . I'm tired of waiting . . . I just want to be happy. I just want someone who will love the girls as much as I do. Someone who can REALLY be there .. . and he NEVER has. I'm ready to be done with him.
Thanks for everything guys. See ya later.
That's the dumbest thing you have written and it chaps my ass, Emily. If any one of us could get off this ride that easy, we sure as heck would have.
It ain't over yet, Emily. I know you're tired. Most of us are.
Quote: If any one of us could get off this ride that easy, we sure as heck would have.
It is that easy. It's all about choices. I can choose to sit like I have been for what 8 months when he is married to another women in EVERY way except for by that peice of paper. What . . . that's the only tie I still have to him is that damn peice of paper. He's gone . . . I'm simply closing the door and starting over. It's been done . . . but I've just kept thinking that some miracle would happen and he'd come back even though he's been with her for 8 months.
HOW STUPID OF ME! I'm done being stupid. This is the FIRST smart move I've made in 8 months!
Quote: Honey why are you calling me so late It's kinda hard to talk right now Honey why are you crying is everything okay I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud Well, my girl's in the next room Sometimes I wish she was you I guess we never really moved on It's really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel Hearing those words it makes me weak And I never wanna say goodbye But girl you make it hard to be faithful With the lips of an angel
It's funny that you're calling me tonight And yes I've dreamt of you too And does he know you're talking to me Will it start a fight No I don't think she has a clue Well my girl's in the next room Sometimes I wish she was you I guess we never really moved on It's really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel Hearing those words it makes me weak And I never wanna say goodbye But girl you make it hard to be faithful With the lips of an angel
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel Hearing those words it makes me weak And I never wanna say goodbye But girl you make it hard to be faithful With the lips of an angel (And I never wanna say goodbye) But girl you make it hard to be faithful With the lips of an angel Honey why are you calling me so late
Lips of An Angel - Hinder
I BAWLED . . I thought my lungs were coming out. I litterally cried until I was puking.
I cannot fight this fight any longer. I cried and cried and just kept saying, "I just want him to come back . . I don't want to hurt anymore." and I realized I don't have to hurt anymore. Just once . . .I'll just cut him out of my life and the pain will only be once. I just appologized to poor Felina over and over. I kept telling her I wanted him to come be with her and I wanted her to have the family I couldn't. HE won't give that to her nor I. . . I cannot continue this fight . . . I am soo sorry if it chaps your ass or pisses you off . . . I am sorry for "failing" . . . it all hurts too much.
Go ahead, Emily. Find another man who will temporarily ease the pain and start this cycle all over again. We'll see you here again, though, because you'll still have the same issues and it will happen all over again.
You can't run from reality, Emily. You've got to face it. If you try to run, it'll catch up to you anyway.
Bye.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
